


Kintsugi

by SeveralVerySmallKerrys



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Gore, Comfort, Death, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intestines, Johnny is a bro, Johnny loves Kerry and V, Johnny tries to do something good for once, M/M, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Slight Smut, Smut, Suicide Attempt, This is not love island, Young Man/Old Man, blowjob, this is pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:33:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 54,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29686098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeveralVerySmallKerrys/pseuds/SeveralVerySmallKerrys
Summary: Kintsugi, also known as kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique.____________________V decided it was time for him to go, but Johnny has other plans. He does not want to give him up. With the help of V's friends and his lover, he tries to save the young man's life. Kerry is the glue to V's broken life and Johnny knows it better than anyone else.
Relationships: Alt Cunningham/Johnny Silverhand, Johnny Silverhand & V, Kerry Eudoyne/Male V, Kerry Eurodyne & Johnny Silverhand, Kerry Eurodyne/V
Comments: 68
Kudos: 131





	1. V was gone

V and Kerry had been arguing for over an hour now. It was stupid, there was a lot of screaming, a lot of cussing. A single tear that was just held back last minute. 

They both didn't know anymore why they started fighting in the first place but both Kerry and V had been stretching their nerves the last few days. New album, brain eating relic. The usual.

Johnny leaned at a wall, smoking a cigarette, watching his best friend and is host getting redder in the face by the minute. He let out a sigh, distracting V for split second. 

"V, this is pointless can't you see? You two are absolute hotheads."

V Rolled his eyes. Johnny was right, he knew that but he still didn't want to let Kerry off the hook so easily. The last few days had been especially draining. V was having more and more relic malfunctions, desperately running out of options to save his own goddamn life. Kerry on the other hand was finding himself in one meltdown after another, between finally finishing the new album and taking care of V whenever he was coughing out his lungs in the shower or had a seizure when walking down the stairs. 

"God V, all I'm asking is that you stay the fuck at home!"

"Lying in bed won't save my fucking ass, Kerry!", He spit.

"But chasing Arasaka goons will? You can't even ride your fucking bike anymore without falling off, you're a fucking mess!" 

V took a deep breath. He knew Kerry was right.

"V", Kerry sighed. "I just.. kid. I just want you to be around for.. y'know. As long as you can. As long as you.. have left"

"So you're telling me to give up."

Kerry blinked. The screaming came to a screeching halt. He never thought about it that way, all he saw was his input getting dragged through the mud, coming home coated in blood and whatnot every night. 

"No, I.. babe this is not what.."

V crossed his arms.

"This is exactly what you meant. What am I really to you? Your young muse? A joytoy? Just admit that you're happy I'm good in bed and you can rest assured that I won't last long enough for you to tell me to leave."

Kerry was speechless. That's what V was thinking about all of this? His heart beat against his chest, mind racing. He really thought he was replaceable with the blink of an eye. Where did he go wrong, how in hell could V think he was nothing more than a fucking toy to him?

"So I AM right"

Kerry looked at him, mind still cloudy from what he just heard. No, realized.

"The fuck V!" 

Ah, there he was. Kerry, his first response being angry.. he blamed Johnny for this. He blamed Johnny for a lot of his bad behavior actually. 

V raised an eyebrow, arms still crossed, looking absolutely terrifying. 

"I can't fucking believe that's what you think you are to me"

"Didn't tell me I was wrong tho"

Kerry slapped him. A shatter through the mansion. It seemed that for a second all the sound coming from the never sleeping Night City was drowned in the crash of skin on skin. V looked as equally shocked as Kerry.

"V.."

Kerry was the first one to come back to reality. V's cheek was getting red, his eyes... Was he seeing tears? V looked absolutely broken. No sound coming from him.

"Babe, I'm sorry, that.. god.. I'm", Kerry stuttered, grabbing him by the shoulder. V grabbed his hand, pushed him back forcefully. 

"Don't fucking touch me again, Eurodyne", he hissed through gritted teeth.

Johnny looked at the both of them, the air felt like you could cut through it. 

"V..", Kerry tried again. 

V walked past him, grabbed his jacket, turned on his heel and looked him straight in the eye. 

"We're done". 

Without further ado he grabbed his keys, went straight for the door and settled on his bike, leaving through the gate with screeching wheels. 

Kerry, after a brief second of mind numbing horror, ran after him. Too late. 

V was gone. 


	2. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He missed V. God, he missed that boy so damn much. He put his album on hold, couldn't play one song from it without thinking about his input. Ex-input. How could he, all the songs were about him. About their love for each other, their devotion.

1 month. One painfully, long fucking month. Kerry paced through his mansion. If he thought he felt lonely before he now knew better. The loneliness coming from missing someone was way more painful than the one coming from being a depressed, aging rockstar. 

He missed V. God, he missed that boy so damn much. He put his album on hold, couldn't play one song from it without thinking about his input. Ex-input. How could he, all the songs were about him. About their love for each other, their devotion.

"What am I to you?"

V's words rattled in Kerry's ears. He was never good with words, with expressing his emotions if not through music. He wished he could make V feel what he felt when singing about him, thinking about him. Caressing his soft, short hair, entangling their fingers, cuddling on the couch until his body was aching, feeling his skin on his while making love. 

Kerry sighed, shaking of that feeling. He had given his archangel to V just after the Samurai reunion. 

"I will even protect you from yourself". 

That's what V said at Dark Matter. Kissing Kerry, driving the shadows away. Match, point and set was what Kerry wrote in one of his songs. It was true, V was protecting him, even now. If archangel was with him.. Kerry surely would have put the gun to his temple, for real this time. Living without V was something he couldn't fathom. 

They had been together for what, a month? Two max? Yet Kerry knew that V was his one missing piece. The one thing worth living for. He never wanted him to give up. He was just afraid of losing him. And now he had. 

Kerry had tried to contact Vik. He didn't know him personally but V mentioned him from time to time. The ripper wasn't really fond of talking to Kerry. Not because V had talked badly about him, quite the opposite. But because V hadn't visited Vik in the last month either. He was supposed to get his pills but he didn't. Kerry tried Misty, Mama Welles, who was, mildly put, very upset that Kerry called her because V never mentioned he had an input. Panam, who had tried to get a shot with V until she realized that boy was swinging the other way. River, Judy, Nance, Takemura, Denny. Even fucking Rogue. V definitively knew too many people but surprisingly not one of them knew what V was up to.

Misty offered to look for him at his apartment and Kerry was just thankful for any help he could get to find his missing piece. Later that day she called him back, only to tell him that V didn't seem to visit his apartment very often anymore. There was rotting food on the table and old clothes in the bed. Kerry thanked her for the call, promised to get her something in exchange for the hassle to which Misty replied with a small laugh and a "no worries Mr. Rockstar, V is family". Pushing his phone back into his pockets Kerry made his way to the kitchen.

He poured himself a glass of whisky. He knew he shouldn't drink but he just didn't know what else to do. He lost some weight, mostly because he just forgot to eat when V wasn't bringing home some good Thai food or wasn't cooking for him. The alcohol went straight to his head. A light pulse forming at his temple but he didn't care. If it meant that he could forget, for at least a while, that V was gone then it was worth it. 

He settled on the couch, grabbed his guitar and started strumming a few chords before letting it slip out of his hands reluctantly, letting it fall to the floor with a loud shatter. Hot tears started streaming down his face. Starting with a low whimper, his crying turned into a loud sob, letting his emotions run freely. He tried to grab anything his hands could reach. Holding out for the lover that wasn't there anymore. Everything he had held back since V left was coming crashing down on him now. He tried to sooth himself, jaw starting to hurt from clenching it too hard. But he couldn't stop. Shouldn't if he was being totally honest. Kerry had held this back for too long. 

He wiped away the tears, just seconds before the next stream was flowing down his cheeks. For the first time in weeks he was glad he was alone. No one should see Kerry Eurodyne this broken, fragile. He didn't want any pity, he deserved all the pain he was feeling right now. It was his fault. After all, it was always him. 

He stood up, stretched his arms, his neck, his back. He didn't realize until then that his whole body was aching. Probably because he couldn't bring himself to sleep in his own bed, not since there was no chance of V laying down beside him. He had opted for the couch, the lounger outside, even the pool table when he was exceptionally drunk. Wasn't the most comfortable way of sleeping if he was being honest. His skin was getting irritated by the scruffy surface of the table. Wasn't like anybody would care for his dry skin anyway. 

He threw his head back, tears finally starting to dry. He should shower, eat something, at least try to go on with his life. Somehow. He looked out the window. It was late evening already, the city glistening in the last rays of sunshine that were cast over the hills of North Oak. 'Maybe V will come back tonight'. He knew it was ridiculous. V had blocked his number but there was a slither of hope within Kerry that his input might have read his messages. Heard his voicemails. Something at least. Shit, he should just write a song to apologize to him. That's what he's best at. 

Kerry looked at the guitar, back at his hands and back at the guitar. He lifted it gently, rubbing small circles over the neck with his thumb. It was a beautiful guitar, a present by a former lover. The guy wasn't worth a dime but the guitar, it really meant something to Kerry. 

He lifted the light weight instrument even higher, admiring the blue shimmer of the body, the beautiful gold strings he had get custom made. He examined the golden humbuckers underneath the strings, letting them shine in the neon light of the now in darkness engulfed city. The curves of the corpus were beautifully rounded out, matching his own frame like it was part of his body. It was indeed a piece of art.

He grabbed the guitar by the neck, flung it over his head and smashed it to the ground, chipping off part of the body, breaking the neck in two only to be hold together by the strings. He gave it a good toss through the living room, letting out a bone shattering scream. 

What use is a guitar if no one's there to listen?

He went straight for the bar, grabbed another bottle of whisky, eager to get fucking wasted tonight when he suddenly heard a car rolling up his driveway. He cursed to himself, had he forgot a meeting? He swore to God, if this was his manager they'd be throwing punches in a minute. 

He placed the bottle on a nearby table, walked over to the door and opened it with the most annoyed face Kerry could possibly make. 

"I fucking swear, if this is ab-"

He looked at the man in front of him, suddenly swallowing all the words he was about to scream in his face. He looked awful, unhappy. Like someone he knew. Knew TOO WELL and not at all. Something was off and it let all his alarm bells ring.

"Kerry. We need to talk"  
"V."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I still don't know if this will end on a happy note but for now we're dying like real men
> 
> Still kinda beta so forgive some mistakes


	3. I just want to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kerry had considered to just hug the man, pull him close and tell him that everything he had said and done that day was awfully wrong. That he would make everything right, never making V feel like he was just some fucking toy again. But he didn't. For the better as he would learn later that evening. The younger man nodded. 'So familiar. But so wrong', Kerry thought once again. He couldn't shake it; it didn't feel like V was just exhausted or still (rightfully) pissed at him. Something was wrong and Kerry was afraid to learn what it was.

"Kerry. We need to talk"

"V."

Kerry swallowed. Hard. He scanned his input. Something was off. _So, so off_. His face, his demeanor. His hair had gotten longer, dark roots starting to show, the color no longer silver and shiny but ash blonde and dry. He didn't take care of himself. His face has sunk in a little, dark shadows under his eyes contrasting the pale skin. His optics seemed to be glitching out from time to time, making him blink more than usual. Little crowfeet forming at his eyes from laughing a lot, now just making him look older than he actually was.

V was from Puerto Rican descent, his skin always having a more olive shine to it. Seeing him looming over his own slightly smaller frame now, pale as a ghost, made Kerry shiver unintentionally. He felt dead already.

Kerry looked him up and down. He had lost weight which wasn't too surprising considering the fact that this little shithead Silverhand was eating his brain. Still, seeing a man this beautiful and young look nearly older than himself broke his heart. That's _not_ how this story should end.

" Do you.. do you want to come in?"

Kerry had considered to just hug the man, pull him close and tell him that everything he had said and done that day was awfully wrong. That he would make everything right, never making V feel like he was just some fucking toy again. But he didn't. For the better as he would learn later that evening. The younger man nodded. 'So familiar. But so wrong', Kerry thought once again. He couldn't shake it; it didn't feel like V was just exhausted or still (rightfully) pissed at him. Something was wrong and Kerry was _afraid_ to learn what it was.

The young man eyed his ex-lover, following Kerry inside. The villa looked even worse than the first time he visited. Clothes, old food, half emptied bottles... And that broken guitar. He knit his eyebrows together, letting out a small sigh. Kerry was having a hard time, that much was obvious.

V grabbed the bottle Kerry had mindlessly put aside when he went to open the door and poured himself a glass full to the brim. He took a small sip first, then emptied it within seconds, making Kerry wonder even more what had happened in the last four weeks. Sure, V was never shy of getting drunk with his lover every other night, fucking him senseless until they both collapsed on the bed, holding each other and falling asleep. But he never drank just because he wanted a drink. That was a… _That was a Johnny thing to do_ , Kerry gulped.

Kerry must've inspected V for an unsettling amount of time, leaving the older man in his own little void. His young input suddenly stood before him, now looking him up and down too, shaking him free from whatever reality Kerrys mind had wandered to. 

" Shit Ker, looking fucking awful."

Their eyes meet, hesitation forming in Kerry's mind, rendering him unable to get out just one word. The way he spoke, the way he looked. It wasn’t V, at least not the one he had grown to love. There was no warmth in his eyes, no sympathy coming from what he just said. It was plain, it was just an examination. Explaining a situation Kerry was very aware of being in.

“Feelin’ awful too.”

Kerry shrugged. What else was he supposed to do? The man he loved standing right in front of him, but light years out of reach. A twitch in his lower lip, words trying to cut through the heavy air. Saying something to make wrongs right. The dim light of one of Kerrys many TV’s reflected in V’s eyes. Dull eyes. Life sucked out of a man that, not long ago, seemed like he was life itself. The flame inside him burned down, not even emitting a spark. His shoulders hung. So familiar. So off.

V shifted from one leg to another. They had been standing like this for not even a minute but to both of them it felt like hours.

“Gonne let me sit down or nah?”

Kerry winced inaudible, then nodded hesitantly. V sat down on one end of the couch, Kerry on the other side, facing him the entire time, trying to make something out of this situation. V was wearing one of Kerrys shirts, once a little too tight around the biceps, now fitting his frame perfectly. Kerry would have made a remark about how good he looked in his clothes but matter of fact, he didn’t. Another thing that felt undeniably off. His shirts _shouldn’t_ fit his input that well. The pants were something else too. Not V’s that was for sure. Brown. Leather. _Johnnys._ Kerry took a deep breath. He used to steal Johnnys pants like what, 50 fucking years ago. It was more of a game to Kerry, to annoy his best friend. He once had a crush on him, just wanting him to notice him for once. He knew for a fact that Johnny was swinging both ways, and one night he even got what he wanted although he was let down a bit. Johnny had taken advantage of Kerrys blinding love for him. Not that it didn’t feel good, but it also made Kerry feel like a toy. _Oh_ , he thought. If that was what V felt like the last time they talked then now Kerry was feeling a lot worse than he already was.

V pushed is shaggy top hair out of his face. The rings he always wore glistening in the faint neon light of the city, sparkling red and green, gold on the edges. A gift from Kerry. He was relieved he was still wearing them, giving Kerry a slither of hope that it might not be too late. At least for them to rebuild their bond before V had to inevitably leave this earth for good. The silence the two of them were sitting in was getting uncomfortable, making Kerry shift in his seat, grabbing an empty glass and pouring himself some. He looked at V, even if it hurt to see him this way, he wanted to finally know what was wrong.

V looked down, swaying his still empty glass, thinking about how he should start this conversation. It was hard, Kerry could see that. Whatever it was that V was hiding, trying to get through to him, it must be something that Kerry would not want to hear. V sighed, breath a bit shaky. His voice came through like a tornado sweeping away a house, dim, dark. Full of hurt and anger.

“He gave up. And it’s your fault.”

3 WEEKS EARLIER, V’s APARTMENT

“You can’t be serious. V, c’mon, talk to me!”

V huffed. Johnny was screaming at him for about half an hour now. He couldn’t be bothered though, was happy that he was the only one who could hear him. Didn’t want anyone to barge into his apartment unexpectedly. He looked at the bottle in his hands, still half full of pills Misty had given him a few weeks earlier. Pills to keep Johnny at bay, to extend his own life, even if it were for just a few weeks before Johnny would consume him whole. He shook his head, setting the pills aside.

“This is killing you, V. Faster than it should!”

Johnny was running out of options. Trying to grab V by the shoulders, but he knew he couldn’t, being just a phantom of the man that once has been. He lifted his hands over his head, running in circles, wanting to throw the table out the window. It was frustrating to not be able to change a fucking thing. He had grown to like the man sitting before him, staring at the floor like it was made of gold or something. He still could feel V’s emotions. The hurt of losing Kerry, the overwhelming grief of knowing that he didn’t achieve one bit in his short life. The anger that was pulsating at the base of his neck every time he thought about how he left is lovers’ mansion in a bliss. It was regret mostly. But he was too stubborn to admit it. To admit that the only thing he wanted was to ride back in the middle of the night, break down crying at Kerrys door and asking for forgiveness. It was not his fault that it went downhill, no. He wanted Kerry to apologize too, without him telling to do so. He had blocked his number the second he arrived in his apartment a week ago. Johnny had told him to unblock him, look if he might got a message, a voicemail, something. But V was still too stubborn. If Kerry was being serious, he would just show up. Johnny knew that this was just stupid wishful thinking, Kerry was way too famous to just drive into Heywood, showing up at an apartment that he doesn’t even know where it was located. His best friend was hotheaded but not stupid. He couldn’t fight even if his life was depending on it and he would not want to put himself or the man he loved in unnecessary danger.

Johnny walked in front of V and crouched, looking up to him. V trying his best to not look the flickering ghost of a dead man in the eye.

“You need to take the pills V.” Johnnys’ voice was lower now, letting out his very real fear about killing the young man. “You know you will die a lot faster if you don’t. And I know for a fact that you don’t want to. And _I_ _don’t want to you either_. Fuck, V. You’re maybe the best… maybe the only real friend I ever had.”

“Johnny fucking Silverhand being concerned about me? How flattering”, V spat out.

Johnny sighed. He really had a bad influence on the people around him. And V really had a good one.

“You said you’d find a way.”

“I said a lot of things when I wasn’t actively dying, y’now.”

“Is this still about Kerry?”

V rolled his eyes. Kerry had been the center of their conversations for the past week now. It was hard to hide his feelings, his pain, from someone who was literally living _inside_ his head. Hiding _anything_ at all from Johnny was virtually impossible. And Johnny knew very well that it was indeed about Kerry. He wanted to provoke V to spit out the words, lay his fears open for him. Get out what needed to get out, but V was stubborn, was not willing to admit that he felt like shit.

“Johnny, please just… just leave me be for a second okay? I can’t do this anymore.”

He stood up and walked right through him, making Johnny vanish in a turquoise flicker. He took is nearly empty box of cigarettes, searched for a lighter inside one of his many jackets and lit one with a slightly shaky hand. V was getting worse every day, starting to slip from time to time. He had been sleeping in awfully long, forgot about gigs he needed to do. Johnny told him that he once accidentally took over V’s body for a solid 10 minutes. For V it was just like a blackout, he couldn’t remember that he lost control to the older man. That was when he realized that when he just stopped using Mistys pills, Johnny would inevitably take over V’s body in only a matter of time. And so he decided to just let god, or whatever morbid being was making his life living hell, do his thing.

He had played with the thought of just ending it all a few days prior. Letting his mind slip back to when he was holding onto Archangel, willing to put the gun to his temple and just pull the trigger. He couldn’t bring himself to actually do it, firstly because he knew that Kerry would be devastated to learn that he had killed himself with the very gun he gave V as a gift months earlier. His eyes wandered to Johnnys Malorian Arms. He huffed at the thought. Using the pistol of the guy that was killing him either way, no matter what. How ironic. Seemed to be Johnnys kind of humor.

Snapping back to reality, V took a long drag from the cig. He hated smoking, but Johnnys craving for nicotine and Kerry also being a smoker kinda got into him. Maybe that bastard would leave him alone for a few minutes before screaming at him again. The silence was both welcoming and cold as ice. Normally he would put on some music, getting his mind off business, but he couldn’t be bothered to walk the 2 meters towards the radio. Maybe he was afraid one of his lover’s songs was playing.

He had released the first single from his new album as a teaser a few weeks ago. It wasn’t finished at the time but his manager insisted on ‘giving the fans something to chew on’. They did indeed chew on this masterpiece. It was not the hard riffs you’d expected from Kerry, more melodic, full of emotion. Of longing. It was a song written specifically for and about V. He loved it, the first time Kerry played it to him the two of them were sitting outside under one of Kerrys large umbrellas while the rain splashed around them, forming small, warm puddles at their feet. V leaned back, closing his eyes, letting the sound of the water crashing on the marble floor mix with the soothing melody of the strings of the half-acoustic Kerrys delicate fingers were strumming. His voice being the perfect addition to the ethereal music. He had asked him about feedback, but V wasn’t really someone who had more knowledge about music than ‘I really like how it sounds’. And to V’s ears it was already perfect. He knew for a fact that Kerry did tweak a few sounds, exchanged a few words just shy before driving to the studio and recording the song. V was there with him, eyeing his lover, grinning from ear to ear, being the proudest man alive. Johnny was with them, very content at what he was witnessing. Kerry beamed the entire time in the recording booth, it was a hot day, and the AC wasn’t working as it should, little droplets of sweat forming on his perfect bronzed face. His gold cybernetics glistening slightly, vibrating with every word he was singing. V wanted to burn this image into his mind and so he did.

He regretted it now.

Throwing away the half-smoked cig, V made his way out of the apartment. Archangel with him, aviators on his nose, trying not to be seen by anyone. Luckily for him, nobody in Night City cared about anyone except themselves. He made his way to the underground garage, hopped on his bike and rode out to the badlands. Panam had a new job for him.

About half an hour later Johnny popped up behind him.

“You hate that woman, why are you still working with her?”

“Money.” Monotonous.

“Money? Choom, you’ll be dead in a few weeks, whaddaya need money for?”

V didn’t answer. He was done talking for now.

“I see. It’s not the money. That bitch is crazy y’know that. You have hopes of getting killed.”

Johnny was right, as always. He was intertwined with V and knew every thought he ever had, reliving every memory. He _was_ hoping to get killed. It wasn’t fair to Johnny, but that guy had been dead for about 50 years. Lucky at best that he found another kid to torture for a few months.

Panam really was crazy. V really couldn’t stand her. She tried to fuck him. _Twice._ But she had good jobs, the Aldecaldos were paying good money and had good food. The chance of running into his ex was also very low. The heat of the midday sun was nearly unbearable. Fuck, he hated the badlands so much. The dust swirling up from the dirty streets was hurting his lungs, making him cough and spitting out a decent amount of blood. He really was dying.

It took another hour to get to the Aldecaldos’ new camp. It was set up nicely behind some huge rocks, umbrellas and cars prepped up to protect the nomads from the burning sun. V had really no interest in staying longer than needed. When he finally stopped in front of one of the outer cars, Panam was already waiting for him.

“Took you long.”

“Deciding to come at all mostly.”

Panam grinned. She didn’t care that V wasn’t into her. She felt like they had more like an older brother-little sister bond. She playfully nudged his side, earning a disinterested grunt from the slightly older man. V slid off the bike. His head was spinning and before he could to anything else, he saw his HUD pop up: “Relic Malfunction”.

“Fuck”, he scoffed, going to his knees, trying to hold onto his bike. Panam was by his side nearly immediately, concerned look on her face.

“The relic?”

V nodded slightly.

“Gimme… gimme a sec Pan. Just a moment, it’ll go away.”

Panam held him by his arm, trying to comfort him in any way without getting too close to him. She learned the hard way that V really wasn’t into being touched at all. Mainly by getting a punch to the gut when she tried to pin him down while on a mission. It kinda turned her on a bit back then, but she never admitted to it, knowing that V wasn’t into women at all.

V stood up, slowly, pushing her back a bit, ruffling his clothes to get the dust off.

“Thanks, ‘m fine,” he mumbled.

“I can see that.”

“No need to lecture me. I’m here for a job, not your advice.”

Harsh words. V was as badly mouthed as she was, but today he seemed to be in an especially bad mood.

“Got something for you to brighten the day choom.”, Panam smiled.

“If you say ‘The sun’ I’ma punch you in the face.” A small huff coming from V.

Panam laughed. She liked when V was joking around. Bad mood or not, the guy was helping her, was helping basically everyone. Got a cat stuck in a tree? Call V. Need to get your manager murdered brutally in an alleyway? Just shoot V a message. She knew that he didn’t like it out here, that he didn’t like her that much. But he was a good man and a good friend and whatever was eating him at the moment, he was really bad at hiding it. Panam, the woman who didn’t realize that he didn’t wanna fuck her for over 3 weeks, was getting the hints that he was in a bad state. That had to mean something.

V got his guns. He tucked them neatly into the holsters, put on a vest he once stole from Kerry and followed Panam into the camp. Saul was already waiting for them, looking as pissed as ever.

“You really had to bring your corpo friend again, hm?”

“Ex-corp.”, Panam shot back.

“Yeah, whatever. Once bootlicker, always bootlicker.”

V was used to this banter by now. It was amusing to him, being still seen as the ex Arasaka employee. He was well past beyond being a rat in the corpo machine. He wasn’t exactly out there to _fight_ the big corpo but he also wasn’t shying away from punching a cunt in the face if he had to. Hell, it felt good to just not give a shit anymore.

“Just be grateful he showed up. If I had to tell him that he needed to get your ass out of just another kidnapping he’d probably said no.”

V laughed at that. He didn’t really know why, it just sounded funny to him. Johnny appeared besides him, lighting a cigarette.

“Good to see you laugh kid.”

_And here I was hoping you were leaving me alone for a hot minute._

“Never.”, Johnny grinned. “Y’know that.”

V smiled. Yeah he knew that. He hated Johnny with a burning passion but he also loved that guy. Maybe it was the heat, maybe the lack of water or the relic malfunction, but he seemed to relax a bit. He leaned against a table while listening to Panam explaining her great plan to hijack a Militech convoy. Again.

“Wow, wow, wow”, Saul lifted his hands as if going into defense mode. “You what now? You really wanna hijack a Militech convoy for what? Another Basilisk?”

“Nah, some good old guns, y’know. We need more weapons to defend ourselves. Look at us, we’re down to one bullet per person.”

She swayed one of her arms lazily in the air, pointing aimlessly at the camp. V followed the direction of her hand. Kids were playing VR detective in the shadow of a huge van, someone already prepping up the fire for the evening. A young mother holding her crying child while trying to sooth it. He _did_ understand why they called themselves a family. All these peoples had a unique bond with each other, he just didn’t want to be part of it. Never had a family of his own and wasn’t too keen on changing it.

“Except for Kerry.”

V snapped out of his thoughts, looking Johnny straight in the eye. _Bastard_ , he thought to himself. Well, themselves. Johnny grinned victoriously. He still hadn’t figured out why the hell Johnny was so set on getting them back together and it was annoying him to no end.

“That old rag talking again?”, Panam looked in his direction, sensing some unresolved tension lingering in the air.

“More like trying to stir the air around him”, V huffed. Johnny rolled his eyes, smirking softly.

They went over the plan. Two people to distract the vehicle, Panam and V getting the driver out, probably killing him or scaring him enough to not try anything stupid. Jumping in and hitting the jackpot. Easy enough. V sighed, replaying the plan in his mind over and over again. Only 4 people to hijack the convo. Not a real convo as Panam mentioned, just one god damn Militech vehicle. This shouldn’t be too hard and besides, if there really were more goons the chances of V hitting the bucket were just increasing. He nodded cheerfully when Panam asked if he was ready.

“You’re really hoping they just shoot you in the head princess. Like the last time worked out so well for you.”

_Ya can’t bring me back twice, Silverhand._

Johnny hated when he used his last name, reminded him of Smasher and all the other people who never took him seriously. He vanished before he could say something he would regret later.

V jumped into Panams car, getting some bad vibes from the last time he drove with her. She was a real menace on the road, looking at everything except the path in front of her. Maybe he would already get killed on the way to the job. He just wanted this to be over quick, either way. It took them about 20 minutes until they arrived at an Aldecaldos outpost, if you could call it that way. It was just an abandoned car in the middle of god damn nowhere, reeking of dust and dirt, rusty not only on the outside but the inside too. Nobody would suspect anyone hiding in this, especially not a legendary merc like V. The other guys hid behind a large boulder while Panam and V climbed into the car wreck. It was hot and stuffy, there exposed skins on their arms touching. V was radiating an unnormal heat, even Panam could feel that he was getting sicker every day. Maybe she shouldn’t have called him for help after all. She sighed, felt a wave of guilt wash over her. Her hazel eyes inspecting V’s face, red and dirty, pearls of sweat building on his forehead. He had his silver-ish hair slicked back, dust already getting caught in the roots. He was a fine-looking man, his completely black eyes normally full of life though now getting a bit dull. He obviously was scanning the area, ignoring Panam as much as he could. His eyebrows knitted together, the lines of cybernetics on his face digging into his darker skin. He got bags under his eyes, defining his sharp features even more. The slight black stubble on his chin mixed with sweat glistening in the hot sun beaming over them. His lips forming a thin line. He was thinking about something and Panam was pretty sure it wasn’t this job. Whatever it was, it was eating him alive. She huffed. _Like the relic I guess._

The two of them stood put for a few hours, sun starting to dawn already.

“You sure Militech will come this way or you tryna get into my pants again?” He didn’t even look at her, still eying the road before them.

Panam laughed lightly, a pink blush forming on her cheeks. She gulped.

“NO! God,” she laughed again. “I tried that twice and learned my lesson. You have your… input I guess you don’t wanna talk about and I keep my hands to myself. Don’t wanna mess with a guy who’s literally dating YOU.”

 _Dated,_ V grimaced. And it’s not like Kerry was a threat to anyone except himself. That man was a master cuddler and that was about the most dangerous thing about him. V started to notice a burning hot sensation in his stomach. He did miss him so much. It was like he could hear his voice still, lifting his hand and rubbing his cheek where he hit him. It hurt.

“V, they’re coming! V?” Panam looked at him.

“What? Right, yeah.” He shook his head, freeing himself from the pain that lingered deep in his memories. He grabbed his gun, opening the door slightly and then… it went black.

“V! What happened, V are you okay?”

He heard Panams terrified scream in the distance, blurring in with the sound of a military car arriving slowly. Her words getting muffled until all his being was engulfed in darkness. With that, he was gone.

***

V woke up in Panams tent, he was shivering, eyes still heavy, head pounding like he got struck by lightning. Johnny paced around, walking up and down at the end of his make-shift bed. He looked distraught, scared even. V blinked a few times, trying to focus on the flickering image of the rockerboy. Johnny jumped up, looking at him.

“Fuck, V. You’re awake. Finally.”

“Johnny…”, he muttered, mouth feeling dry and numb.

“Could’ve at least warned me that you wanted to chicken out,” he growled, taking a long drag from his cig.

“What… my head. What happened?”

“Y’were gone for half the day, it’s well past midnight already. Had to do the job with Panam. Believe me, wasn’t happy. She neither. Fuck V, you need to take the fucking pills already.”

He sounded concerned for the young man, biting his lip, hastily dragging at his cigarette again before throwing it to the ground, making it disappear. He crouched next to the bed, trying to make eye contact with the still dizzy man.

“V. Talk to me. Please”.

V looked up, tears forming in his eyes. He seemed so vulnerable, nothing like the good hearted, bubbly young merc Johnny had grown accustomed to. Grown to love. He opened his mouth just far enough to let out a whimpering whisper.

“I just want to die.”


	4. Bring him back home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> V had decided to not answer Johnny anymore. He had closed his eyes, head still pounding, heart still aching. He didn’t want this anymore, all he wanted was vanish already. Johnny was stubborn, he talked and talked and talked. God just please, stop. Leave me alone. Please, V pleaded. Johnny didn’t have any of it. He wanted V to realize that he was wrong.

V had decided to not answer Johnny anymore. He had closed his eyes, head still pounding, heart still aching. He didn’t want this anymore, all he wanted was vanish already. Johnny was stubborn, he talked and talked and talked. _God just please, stop. Leave me alone. Please_ , V pleaded. Johnny didn’t have any of it. He wanted V to realize that he was wrong.

“Look, kid. I don’t care what you want or not. _I_ want you to live. And make my best friend happy.”

“The first time you met me you wanted to kill me.”, V muttered, coughing into his hand, examining the blood splatter before wiping his hands with a dirty cloth laying near his bed. Johnny sighed.

“Yeah, I know, I know. That’s been a while ago and I kinda started liking you.”

“There’s no use. Just spare me with your wisdom, mighty Johnny Silverhand.”

V’s words cut Johnny like knives. They had their fair share of arguments, both being men with enormous egos, but Johnny _did_ consider him to be a friend. He just wanted to help him. He observed the young man laying on the bed. There was nothing left of the fighter he had been just a week ago. V seemed to be dissociating, looking at the wall to the right of him like he was searching for something that wasn’t there. His eyes looking like black holes, his hair disheveled from the fighting earlier. He grabbed the sheets tight, absent mindedly, knuckles turning white. He gritted his teeth and let out a low growl, nearly inaudible. Johnny knew what he was thinking about, trying not to spy too much into V’s mind. He wanted to give him his privacy, at least try, but y’know it’s hard not to hear and see the thoughts of the mind you’re living in. Johnny wanted to shower, but V had been coming back the moment he sat on the bed, just seconds after Panam left. So Johnny decided to just lay down and wait for the merc to take back possession of his own body. Johnny could feel that he was afraid. Hell, Johnny had been afraid too when Smasher cut of his arm. He knew back then that this was it. And V had finally decided that he wanted to breath is last breath and give his body to Johnny. He shook his head. There has to be a way. He didn’t want his two best friends to end up like this. Kerry would be a mess when finding out that V had died and he wasn’t by his side.

The walls of the tent started to shake lightly as a more forceful storm struck the camp. It had been nice of Panam to give them her bed; V was at least safe for the night. Johnny sat down on the other end of the bed, biting his nails. V didn’t have many pills left and time was against him also. He needed to get into his thick skull but he had no idea how. Leaning back, he closed his eyes. _I have to fix him somehow._

Johnny used the time V was asleep to think of a plan. He knew his hands were pretty much tied, except for when he was in the front seat. And he really didn’t want to be in the front seat more often than necessary. He observed V’s sleeping form, his chest rising slow and steady. There was still life in this kid and he was determined to keep it that way.

V stayed at the Aldecaldos camp for a few more days. He wasn't keen on settling down in the badlands but Panam insisted he’d stay so she could keep him at bay, make sure he was fit enough for the nearly 2 hour drive home. He sat with them at the camp fire when a wave of heat and pain struck his body. He started to shiver, before rolling his eyes back. Panam jumped at the sight of V having a seizure. It had happened before but it was still terrifying seeing the young man in such a helpless state. He rubbed his back and held him steady while Saul chooed the others away. He knew how V felt about being seen while having one of those attacks and even though he wasn’t very fond of the merc he respected him enough to keep him off prying eyes. After a few minutes the silver haired man opened his eyes.

“Welcome back choom, scared the shit out of me.” Panam tried to sound a lot more positive than she felt, still knitting her brows together.

V blinked a few times, looking at her, then his hands. Sighing.

“I’m sorry. This’ not V.”

Panam hung her head low, clicking her tongue. She said down next to him, giving him a bottle of beer.

“So, Johnny I guess.”

He nodded.

“Why’d you do this?”

“I didn’t, believe me. Never want to take his body, but it happens more frequently these last few days.”

“Didn't he have some pills that should make you disappear?”

“They not exactly work like that but yeah. To keep me from taking over his body too fast at least.”

Panam took a long sip from her bottle, nearly downing it whole. She wiped her mouth with her right sleeve, burping as quiet as possible.

“You mind telling me what happened to him? He's even more distant than before and he looks worse than that one time he got back from that one Maelstrom fight.”

Johnny clenched his teeth, not knowing if he really should tell her the truth. But what did he have to lose, maybe she had an idea.

“Well, you see…”, he started, taking a long sip from his bottle.

“His input, I'll keep his name out of this out of respect, and him had a fight. They broke up, I won't go into more detail. But this man was the one thread V still head going for him, maybe the only thing he actually kept fighting for. All other clues he had followed that might could've saved his life were dead ends and he was close to giving up until they met. Now that this one last thing of stability in V’s life broke down beneath him he simply… gave up. We had long discussions about him giving up his body for me. And before you hit me, I declined every time. Now he found a way to force me into his body. He simply stopped using his medication, and I can't do anything except for sitting down and watching him die a bit more everyday.”

Panam looked at him with a shocked expression. Johnny searched for a cigarette in V’s pants and let out a content sigh when he found a package. V always thought about others first, himself last. He lit it with a loud sizzle and took a deep drag. He looked miserable. Panam, as foul mouthed as she normally was, was speechless for once. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Saul took matters in his own hands.

“So you’re telling us V is gonna die and you’re gonna get his body? And you don’t know what to do?”

Johnny nodded, putting the cigarette in his mouth. He loosened the tight knot of V’s top bun and let his shoulder long hair fall down, shaking his head at the new found feeling of freedom. His fine hair touched his face softly and got entangled in the stubbles. He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes briefly.

“Have you talked to his ripper? This Vik guy?”

“No why should I?”

“You said yourself you don’t know what to do, but you sit here right in front of us, telling us all this bullshit that’s happening to V. I know we can’t help, but maybe he can. Or some other friends of V, people who have known him for a while. You have control over his body, take matters into your own hand. Unless you’re only pretending to care about that boy.”

Saul’s words hurt Johnny. Of course he was not pretending. On the other hand he wanted so slap himself mentally, why hadn’t he thought about talking to any of his hosts friends while he was the one behind the wheel.

“Sounds actually like a good idea for once Saul”, Panam laughed light heartedly, trying to ease the tension that had build around the cackling fire. “Maybe the first good one you ever had.”

Johnny smirked. They were right, he could use this absolute shitty situation to his advantage.

“Maybe I should get going. It’s 2 hours you said, right? Don’t know how long I’ll have.”

Panam observed the fire, getting another beer out the cooler.

“You’re right. But Johnny.”

“Hm?”

“Please take care of him. Y’know, he has people who love him, b’sides us three. Take him back home. Please.”

Johnny took a sharp breath. Take him back home. He knew what that meant.

“I will. Promised. I’ll keep you in the loop.”

“You’re not as bad as the history books describe you.”

“They write about me in history books?”

“Nah,” Panam smiled, still watching the fire. “Shitting with you. Still, haven’t read too many good things about you tho. Turns out V might have a positive influence on you.”

“On all of us”, he added.

“On all of us”, Panam repeated, opening the bottle in her hand. “Take care.”

Johnny stood up, stretched his arms and legs.

“I will bring him back home.”

With that he made his way to V’s bike, waving both of them good bye and taking off into the darkness of the badlands. The orange gloom that lay around the camp slowly disappeared behind him. He turned on the radio, the silence of the desert making him feel uncomfortable. Just as “Night City” faded out he recognized Kerrys voice. The hard riffs of his version of “Chippin’ In” started playing. Johnny never admitted it when he was still alive but Kerry had always been the better musician of them both. He had been practicing guitar like crazy, even ruining his voice for their band. Nobody knew, but “Never Fade Away” was sung by Kerry, not Johnny. He wasn’t able to get the emotion right and asked his old friend to help him out. And he did, without wanting anything in return, even after their band had broken up.

They formed Samurai at the young age of just 15 and 17, Johnny being 2 years older than Kerry taking the lead immediately. The early 2010’ had been a tough time for musicians, especially when it came to punk. Kerry always wanted to become famous, play on the big stages around the world. Johnny’s motive had always been to bring Arasaka and big corpo down. What looked like the perfect match at first turned sour over time. Their interests clashed more than once, Johnny got into the habit of turning up late to his own concerts, fucking wasted and keeping Kerry from the spotlight. In hindsight that was a big mistake. Kerry, as shitty as Johnny treated him, had always been by his side. He was the only person on earth who at least tried to understand Johnny, who collected him from the gutter when he got in a gang fight again and who made sure he kept on living. Not even Alt Cunningham or Rogue Amendiares had this kind of devotion for the man they claimed they loved. In the end Johnny thanked Kerry by telling him off, saying he’d be better off without Samurai, to go create his own thing. And then he got killed while trying to get revenge on Arasaka. He never had said something nice to Kerry except for when he needed him for one of his sick plans. And Kerry had stayed like a loyal dog. God, Johnny regretted treating his best friend like that. He wanted to make things right by saving the man Kerry loved more than anything. He needed to.

“I’ll bring him back home. Promise.”


	5. No More Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked around Misty’s shop, going behind the counter into the back alley. The way to Vik was all too familiar to him. V had been visiting him every other day to get some stitches, talk or get his cybernetics upgraded. Now that he hasn’t visited in a week Vik must be extremely concerned. He slowly opened the gate and stepped down the stairs. Hopefully his clinic was already opened, yet again the ripper practically lived here so there was a good chance he would find him somewhere. He carefully opened the door and was met with a barrel to his forehead. Johnny instinctively threw up his arms.   
> „It’s me, god. Vik.“   
> Vik looked at him, vary. He slowly put the gun down.   
> „V.“, he growled, sounding still very sleepy.   
> „Johnny, actually.“ 

The 2 hour drive from the camp turned out to be a nearly 4 hour drive, mostly because Johnny  got lost one or two times. He had a navigation system in V’s optics but he still wasn’t comfortable enough with his body and simply forgot how to activate it. When he finally arrived in  Watson the sun was starting to dawn. He groaned,  got off the bike and made his way to Vik.  He barged into Misty’s esoterica and nearly knocked down a vase standing at the wall.  He quickly tumbled to his feet and put his hair in a bun. Misty wasn’t at the counter, she probably was still asleep. And Johnny would have opted for  V’s apartment  to get some rest too  if the situation wouldn’t have been so dire. 

He looked around Misty’s shop, going behind the counter into the back alley. The way to Vik was all too  familiar to him. V had been visiting him every other  day to get  some stitches, talk or get his cybernetics upgraded. Now that he hasn’t visited in a week Vik must be extremely concerned.  He slowly opened the gate and stepped down the stairs. Hopefully his clinic was already opened, yet again the ripper practically lived here so there was a good chance he would find him somewhere. He carefully opened the door and was met with a barrel to his forehead.  Johnny instinctively threw up his arms. 

„It’s me, god. Vik.“

Vik looked at him, vary. He slowly put the gun down. 

„V.“, he growled, sounding still very sleepy.

„Johnny, actually.“

Vik  lifted a  brow,  observing the  merc . 

„Johnny? Like the parasite in his head?“. He turned around making his way into the clinic. Johnny closed the door, half jogging after him.  Vik handed him a coffee, sitting down in front of him. Johnny, thankful for having finally something to drink, took a  sip and nodded hesitantly. 

„Yeah. The parasite.“ He smirked  slightly . He had called V his ‚host‘ a few times before so calling him a parasite now felt awkwardly fitting. 

“ Hm ”, murmured Vik. “Why do you have his body?”

“Long story, honestly. Not too happy about it.”

“Talk. I have time, for now .”

Johnny took a deep breath, emptying his  coffee and explained to Vik what had happened, careful to keep  Kerrys name out of the conversation. Halfway through Misty had joined them,  ruffling at her way too long sleeves while listening. She bit her  lip from time to time, exchanging some concerned looks with Vik. 

“And that's why I'm here.”

Vik took a deep breath, trying to  comprehend what he just heard. Johnny looked at him, full of hope that he might have an idea.

“So… our V decided to kill himself, essentially.  Well, he was dying already, he just decided to fasten the process a bit.”

“I can't believe this”, Misty muttered. 

Johnny plopped back at a wall,  throwing his head back in a  monotonous motion, hitting the wall again and again.  Silence fell over the clinic as Misty and Vik tried to process all of the new info.

“He's not a coward”, Misty blurted out. “ He’s… he's not a coward”, she whispered, fighting against the urge to cry.  Vik placed a hand on her thigh, carefully massaging it, trying to keep her calm. 

“I hope the guy rots in fucking hell”, Vik growled. “Giving up his life because of heartbreak. V must've loved him dearly.”

“He still does. I'm not even sure if that argument was the real reason. It most likely was just the push he needed to finally get to this decision.” Johnny sounded already like he had lost the fight. He probably knew V better than anyone else. He knew that V had a lot of demons to battle. Fear, depression, anxiety attacks. And that was only the surface of it all. With a diagnosis like his every other guy would have probably shot himself already. But not V. He always found a way. He had clung to  Kerrys ’ love as if it was his lifeline. And now this lifeline was cut, leaving him alone within his mind, an empty and dark place. V was frustrated, that was his main problem. Fighting a battle, he was bound to lose from the very beginning. Knowing he wasn't only fighting for himself surely helped him to not let go already.

Misty stood up, running her slender fingers through her  ruffled-up hair. She licked her black lips, seemingly getting caught up in thoughts. He observed Johnny, trying to comprehend how his boyfriends best friend was  standing in front of them but wasn’t there at all. She couldn’t lose another  member of her family. It was too much. 

“Do you sense him? I mean when he’s…”

“Normally yes. But not at the moment. He seemed to be tucked away  far back in his mind. Our mind.”

Misty nodded, not quite yet understanding how all of this mind switching worked. 

“And you feel what he feels, sees  what he sees. Even have access to his memories right?”

“Yeah… nearly all of it. I try not to pry. I honestly didn’t care for that kid that much but now…  y’know . I took a liking to him. Try not to mess him up more than needed. ”

“That’s like the bare minimum”, Vik snarled. 

Johnny gulped. Vik had always been intimidating, even to him. 

“Vik”, misty warned with a soft smile. “I’m sure he’s trying his best.”

“I fucking hope he does. Otherwise I’ll make sure he won’t walk this earth  any longer than necessary.”

“Wow, hey”, Johnny threw up his  arms. “I’m here to get answers, ‘s all. Really.”

Vik glared at him. 

“Looking for answers but not even be totally honest.”

“What…”

“Kerry. Not even mentioned his name once. We know he’s his input. Thought you knew everything V’s done. He told us. Even brought him here once or twice.”

Johnny looked at Misty. She just hummed in agreement. 

“I wanted to-“

“Protect him.  I know. No need to  tho , he’s a big boy.  He broke his heart,  hm ?”

“It’s a bit more complicated believe me. A big misunderstanding mostly.” 

“He called. Yesterday. Couldn’t give him any answers, he seemed distraught.”

“I feared as much. He did something monumentally stupid but it was out of habit and he’s probably hating himself more than you do.”

“Sounded like it”, Misty added. 

They both looked at her. 

“ What? He called me too.  Y’know , like a concerned boyfriend. ”

Johnny shook his head.  So V  _ did  _ hide something from him. How that was even possible, he didn’t know. He figured it might have something to do with his feelings towards Kerry. Johnny had to admit that he got all worked up the first few times they visited Kerry. It was relieving to see his old friend still kicking it. And he got too distracted sometimes reminiscing about a time long gone. He naturally felt the feelings V had towards his old band mate, after initially hating it, he now was content with it. Not only content, he was more than happy to see his two favorite boys being so deeply in love. It made him sick sometimes. In a good way. 

“Should have known he told you.”

“He’s a proud man  y’know . Was all giddy when he told us about how he was dating that old hag.”

“Hey,”, Johnny hissed, half serious. They were not wrong  though; Kerry was a good 60 years older than V. Cybernetics and good plastic surgery made him only look like maybe 20 years older. 10 if he was  really generous . Nonetheless, he still fucked like he was 25, so all good for V. 

“We have to break his neck now that he broke his heart,” Vik huffed, sounding a lot more serious than Johnny had hoped. 

“No. Please. It was his  fault but he surely never wanted things to end this way.”

“ Well they  _ did,  _ boy. And now he  has to live with the consequences, like we have.”

“Boys,” Misty interjected. “Please. This is not about who broke whose heart, or who deserved a punch to the face. If that was the case, I could tell you that you all needed it and I wouldn’t even need my Tarot deck for this foresight.”

Johnny smirked. He always liked Misty, she  definitely was the good soul of this group, keeping everyone grounded to some level. There surely would have been fists in the air by now if it wasn’t for her. 

“I had hoped you maybe have an idea what to do... I don’t want him to lose his body because of me. Not without at least seriously trying to save himself.”

Johnny looked at them, waiting for some miracle response. They both shook their heads in unison. 

“What do you expect us to do?”, Vik finally broke the silence lingering between them. “It’s not like I am some magician who could make you disappear. Believe me, if I was you wouldn’t be standing here.”

Johnny closed his eyes, biting his tongue.  _ Fuck. Of course, Vik and Misty had already tried everything to rid him of me. I’m an idiot.  _ He felt a warm hand at his shoulder and opened his eyes. Misty had a pitiful expression on her face. 

"I'm sorry Johnny. We're already trying what we can believe me. Vik is the best ripper in Night City, at least that's what he says about himself," Misty smirks. 

"Hey, I heard that!"

Misty laughs. "I was hoping you would, Mr. Cocky."

Johnny sighed. V was lost somewhere in his own brain, himself trapped in a body he couldn't yet properly control, that he didn't  _ want  _ to control at all. The kid deserved better. 

"Maybe I should go back to his apartment first. I've been stuck in here for 5 hours now, he should come around soon. Then I want him to be safe. A little sleep would surely do him good, the last nights were rather... exhausting. To say the least."

Vik sat back and dug a box of sleeping pills out of one of the countless drawers in the cabinet next to him. 

"Here." He tossed the box toward Johnny, who caught it expertly. "These should help keep him calm for at least a couple of hours, get some shut eye. I'll ask you to come by regularly. Either by forcing him to strut in here, or by at least dragging his body in here when you're in control again."

Johnny nodded hesitantly. He had no choice. Vik and Misty couldn't help him, at least not yet. He could feel his body starting to hurt. The drive through the badlands and the little amount of sleep he had finally got the better of him. 

"I... thank you, really. I'll keep you guys posted. I'll make my way to him and get him the rest he so desperately needs."

Misty and Vik just nodded, watching his every move skeptically. He was slowly making his way to the exit when he stopped for a moment and turned around. 

"Please do me a favor."

Misty hummed in agreement.

"Don't tell Kerry I was here. Tell him...tell him you haven't heard from V. He'll be dying of worry by now, so don't let him get involved until we have a ray of hope."

With that sentence, he disappeared into the light of the rising sun. 

Maybe there were no more chances. 


	6. Panic Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Because I want it to be over without having to do it myself. The nanites haven't taken enough of my brain yet for you to gain complete control. Until then, I will continue to... exist." This word seemed far more appropriate to him than 'live'. Johnny held his breath. A slow suicide, then.
> 
> ___
> 
> Authors note:  
> I took a detour from my original plan. Wanted to go more into detail about how V is really feeling about his situation. As someone who has panic attacks every night it really helped myself to write this chapter. And it hurt.

Johnny had made it to V's apartment just in time before the owner of his body returned. The next 2 days consisted of excessive sleeping, refusing to take pills, way too much alcohol and unhealthy food. Johnny had tried to get V to go to Vik, at least to get checked out, in vain. He almost begged him to call Misty or Judy.  Panam . Anyone, really. He had already given up trying to get him to call Kerry, he didn't want to push the issue too far. 

V did not buckle. He was stubborn, more stubborn than usual. Johnny hated himself for it, it was his fault. He rubbed off on the people around him, was at V's side 24/7, of course he was bound to become like him. The fact that the nanites on the Relic also overwrote his brain slowly but steadily didn't really help the situation. V opened another bottle of cider. He didn't even like the stuff, but it was the only thing he had left. He didn't want to leave the apartment, but he didn't want to sit here either. Just as he was about to put the glass to his mouth, his  Holo rang. The image of Rogue appeared on his HUD, then herself. 

"Hey V. You look like shit."

V smirked briefly and put the glass down. 

"Likewise."

Rogue snorted. 

"Listen. I got a job for you. Nothing wild, in Kabuki. Some  joytoy seems to have gone haywire, probably blown something in the mainframe. There's good money, the client wants-"

"Rogue."

"Yeah?"

"Why do you have a job for me? I took over the Afterlife, you should be retired. The jobs go through me anyway."

Rogue held her breath for a moment. 

"V. It's come to my attention that you're hardly around, clients are complaining about your absence. I hacked into your files to check what's going on, you've got an incredible amount on your plate, and if you're not well, because of Joh-"

"Rogue," V admonished her, "I'm fine. I've just been busy the last few days, 's all. I'll do the job in Kabuki and then come to the Afterlife. Got it?"

Rogue nodded but surveyed him apprehensively. She too had started to grow a liking to V, even if she would never admit it. Johnny sensed that; he'd known the woman long enough to interpret her looks.

“Good. See  ya ”. V ended the call, grabbed his jacket and a new pack of cigs and made his way out.

Half an hour later he sat on a bench in Kabuki, scarf pulled up to his nose, sunglasses on, scanning the surroundings and people around him. He was still irritated that Rogue had gotten him a  job, but he just took anything that sounded halfway interesting or dangerous, didn't give a fuck anymore if it brought him money or if he endangered his life with it. Besides his steadily declining health, his refusal to see his Ripper had other drawbacks: his Cybernetics were no longer up to date, the latest update was missing, and a few functions could no longer be controlled as they should. In general, V needed a firmware update, but he would have to go to Vik for that and he categorically ruled that out.

His optics started to glitch from time to time, which gave him a headache more than anything else. As if he didn't have enough of them already. Also, his Mantis Blades did not extend and retract as cleanly as they should. An outdated model, but for the last few weeks he didn't need to buy a new one. He let his Cybernetic fingers crack and groaned. Nothing stirred in the agitated center of Kabuki.  Joytoys were plentiful here, but none of them looked suspicious. He had not even asked what the  Joytoy looked like. Asking about gender was obsolete, the lines between male and female had long since faded with the decades. Thank God, he thought to himself. As a Merc wearing pink nail polish in the early 2000s, he probably would have been laughed at. He liked the color, for whatever reason, and he was just glad no one cared. He snorted at this thought.  _ Fucking  _ _ twink _ , that’s what they would’ve called him

"That no one cares about anyone anymore is not necessarily a good thing V."

Johnny plopped down next to him on the bench and took a drag on his cigarette. Normally V would've shoved a line towards him, but he didn't feel like it at the moment, he didn't want to admit it, but he was actually glad to see the old rocker boy. 

"It's easier that way."

"It isn't. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise. No matter how goddamned this town is, everyone who lives here has someone they care about. It can be someone like the baker on the corner or the security guard to their own megablock. A child. A partner," with that Johnny turned to V. He wanted to catch his gaze. 

V bit his lower lip, began to tremble slightly. Even through the pulled-up scarf, Johnny could tell he was pursing his mouth. Partner. The word hurt him. He knew Johnny was doing it on purpose, but this time he let him. 

"I don't have long, Johnny."

Johnny just nodded quietly. 

"I don't have long, and I don't want to drag him into this anymore. Maybe it was better the way it is."

Johnny wanted to jump up, yell "BULLSHIT," shake V awake. But he didn't, it took all his strength. V started talking about his inner self and Johnny could at least this once try not to nip it in the bud right away.

So he decided to sit quietly and listen to his friend.  It was ridiculous, if you think about it. He knew what was going on inside V but talking it out would certainly do him good.  So he let him talk. 

"Johnny," he stammered, coughing briefly into his scarf. He was glad that no one could see the blood pooling in the fabric in front of his mouth. He wiped his lips briefly and then continued talking.

"I'm scared." V folded his hands and leaned more on his legs. 

"Afraid of death. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of losing Kerry, of losing you. Of losing me. There's no way out. I don't blame you for any of this, how it will end, not one bit. I just wonder how it would have gone if... if..."

V had trouble not bursting into tears. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed briefly. Johnny would have given anything to hold his friend, but all he could do was sit helplessly by and watch him.

"Please try to understand  me, Johnny. I'm not a coward. But we both know there is no way out for me. That's it, I'm going to die." 

He wiped his nose on his sleeve. Small tears ran down his cheeks, pooling in the hollows of his Cybernetics and glistening slightly in the fluorescent light. Johnny's heart broke seeing him like this. V was a strong man; he had been through so much for being only 27. It was clear that he would eventually break under it all. 

"I want..." he continued, but a short sob interrupted him. "I want to give  you my body. You can continue to live in it, I can't. It would be idiotic to let us both  die . You didn't deserve to be killed  _ then _ and you don't deserve it  _ this time _ either."

_ Yes _ _ I do _ , Johnny thought. V shook his head. 

" No you didn't. I was going to kill myself, you know that, you were there. But I decided against it."

"For Kerry's sake."

"For your sake." 

Normally V would have hissed that sentence, but Johnny felt how broken the man next to him was. Didn't even have the strength to argue with him anymore. 

"I'm just asking you to look out for the people I love, okay?"

"Why did you stop taking the pills?"

V sighed, swallowing hard. 

"Because I want it to be over without having to do it myself. The nanites haven't taken enough of my brain yet for you to gain complete control. Until then, I will continue to... exist." This word seemed far more appropriate to him than 'live'. Johnny held his breath.  _ A slow suicide, then _ . He wanted to throw so many obscenities at him, but he couldn't. He just couldn't, his heart ached as he watched the Merc. V's gaze was fixed on the floor, but he was staring into a complete void. His fire was smothered to the ground. What had the young man done to him that he couldn't even argue with him anymore? The two sat next to each other in silence for a while. Johnny gave him the privacy he needed until he eventually turned back in his direction. 

"Can I ask you something?"

V just hummed in agreement. 

"Aren't you going to say goodbye? Stop by your friends or something?"

V huffed despicably. 

"Goodbyes aren't really my thing. It's not like I've made a big secret of the fact that I'm going to die soon. You can tell them when it's over. I'd really appreciate that actually. But that's all. Not going to make you tho"

"They love you V."

"And I them, but please spare me. Spare us. They're going to hate you anyway because they blame you. You know, now that I think about it? No, you shouldn't go see them. When I'm gone, maybe you should leave town, make a fresh start. I heard Atlanta is supposed to be  beaut -"

"V!", Johnny interrupted him. He couldn't hold back any longer. 

"It's bad enough you're just giving up without a fight, but not even saying goodbye to your family? That's not fair to them. They care."

V lowered his head again.  _ Fuck Johnny, he finally  _ _ talked _ _ and you fuck it up again. Learn the lesson already.  _

"I know Johnny," he muttered softly. "I know it, believe me. But I can't. You want me to think about me, about how I'm doing, and I do. I can't visit them and say goodbye, they won't want to let me go. Don't you understand that? I don't even want to give them the chance to stop me."

Pure fear spread through V and Johnny could feel it in his own chest. It was coming out of nowhere but in hindsight it made sense to happen now. His breathing became racked and faster, his pulse increased more and more. A panic  attack .  _ Fuck Johnny, excellent job _ . V's fingers went numb, he stood up and walked a few feet in a circle, trying to calm himself. This wasn't his first panic attack, but he hadn't really found an efficient way to re-acclimatize. If he were at home he would scream into a pillow, turn up the music, distract himself somehow, but here in public he had no choice but to just ride it out. He clutched his chest, closed his eyes, and got down on his knees. Fuck. It didn't stop. The fear, like a pulsing pain, threatened to crack his ribs. A feeling of emptiness spread deep inside  him, a pain so uncontrollable. He tried to stabilize his breathing, to take a deep breath, to ground himself. His lungs felt like they were caught up in a cage that was way too tight. It hurt him all over his body. The people around him began to notice him but kept a safe distance. No one in Night City wanted to have anything to do with Mercs, who knows if he was suffering from  cyberpsychosis . 

Johnny knelt in front of him and spoke softly to him. 

"V, it's all good. You need to calm down."

He himself felt the attack as well and had trouble keeping himself calm. 

"V it's going to be okay, believe me."

"Nothing's going to be okay Johnny, fuck! Nothing!" He screamed at the ghost in front of him, hands to chest and head. He covered one of his eyes, his heart just wouldn't settle down. People around him stopped, unsure if they should maybe call for NCPD or Trauma. He paid no attention to them and completely forgot that no one could see Johnny but him. 

"V, please stay calm, the people are getting nervous."

V bit his lip. The fucking attack was finally about to stop. Just as he stood up and the people around him slowly moved on, his HUD flashed back on again. 

** Relic Malfunction. **

_ No  _ _ no _ __ _ no _ __ _ no _ _. No, not now, please not now.  _

_ Johnny... I... I can't do anything...  _

He went back to his knees, holding a hand in front of his mouth as he coughed up blood. Everything went black in front of his eyes and he finally slumped down. Only a few minutes later Johnny picked himself up. He looked at his - no V's - hand and wiped the blood on his pants.  _ Fuck. It's getting worse and worse. _ He looked around, a few people still staring at him. He had to get out of here, shit on Rogue's job. He made his way to the metro when the  holo lit up. His gaze turned towards the upper left corner and before he could turn down the call, a familiar face greeted him. 

“Hey V. Judy here."

_ Fuck. In the middle of a panic attack. _


	7. I Lied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took Johnny a little longer than 30 minutes to finally arrive at the dock in front of the old Ferris wheel. Judy was already sitting on the ground, pizza boxes beside her and a smile on her face. It was good to see her happy again after all the drama with Evelyn. Johnny gave a quick wave and sat on the other side next to the boxes.   
> "Two minutes longer and I would have eaten them alone," Judy joked.   
> "You, my pizza? I'd like to see that." Johnny grinned. He couldn't smile like V could, so there was absolutely no point in pretending any longer.   
> "I have something to tell you," he sighed. 

"Judy," Johnny heaved. "Hey."

"V? You okay? You're pretty pale."

"Yeah, I... the relic. Was messing around again." Johnny gasped a little. The panic attack combined with the Relic malfunction had pretty much strained V's body out. 

"It's okay now. I hope."

"I hope so, too." 

Judy still didn't seem entirely convinced. She hadn't experienced one of his malfunctions yet, thank God, but her eyes said more than a thousand words. She was worried. V had told her that it hurt, that he felt a sharp pain in his head when the relic didn't cooperate again. Judy had offered him to try some  BDs. No porn, although she had more than enough of it, of course. Rather some to calm down. Or to really let off steam, but V was mostly busy with other things. In the first place saving his ass. 

"What's the matter, doll?"

"Did you just call me doll?"

_ Stop, Johnny. She thinks you're V.  _

"Sorry, the... you know, terrorist in my head." 

Johnny tried his hardest to come off as V. You would have thought he finally mastered it after being in his head for quite some time, but Johnny wasn't good at imitating people. His own ego was far too big and the word 'empathy' he knew from a dictionary at best. Well, until now. 

"Hmm," Judy hummed. She didn't seem like she was buying it, but he could always blame it on the malfunction.

"You haven't called in a while, wanted to chat. Take you out for a pizza. Tofu tuna  pineapple, right? You're disgusting."

She gave a short laugh and shook her hair out of her face.

"What do you think of the old Ferris wheel, down in Pacifica? The weather is gorgeous and... I mean if you have time of course." 

Her expression turned grim. Johnny considered for a moment. Judy was V's closest friend, right after Jackie. He couldn't talk to  him anymore, though, for obvious reasons. Yes, he should agree and go out to eat with Judy, maybe she had an idea on how to help V. 

"Of course I have time. Give me half an hour, I have to go back quickly and change. And then I'll meet you there. At the old Ferris wheel."

Judy beamed, pleased with the answer.

"All right V. At the old Ferris wheel."

With that, she hung up and her face disappeared from the corner of the HUD. 

_ Fuck Johnny. You need to do something before this all goes to shit. _

_ *** _

It took Johnny a little longer than 30 minutes to finally arrive at the dock in front of the old Ferris wheel. Judy was already sitting on the ground, pizza boxes beside her and a smile on her face. It was good to see her  happy again after all the drama with Evelyn. Johnny gave a quick wave and sat on the other side next to the boxes. 

"Two minutes longer and I would have eaten them alone," Judy joked. 

"You, my pizza? I'd like to see that." Johnny grinned. He couldn't smile like V could, so there was absolutely no point in pretending any longer. 

"I have something to tell you," he sighed. 

"Oh, here it comes," Judy laughed as she took a slice of her pizza. "I swear V, if it has to do with  a guy again , or that Panam tried to get into your pants  another time , I'm going to freak out and punch you in the face with that pizza."

"No. I wish it was something like that tho, honestly."

Judy put her hand in her lap. She immediately felt the difference in his demeanor. 

"V? What's wrong?" Her voice sounded concerned. 

"I'm not V.", he stuttered.

"You're not V? Are you stupid, you're sitting right in front of me, you-"

"No. It's me, Johnny."

Judy held her breath. V had told her about the relic and that Johnny would eventually take over his body when the nanites had completely rewritten his brain. She hadn't guessed it would be so soon. And that V wouldn't tell her anything.... 

"How long has it been?"

"How long what?"

"How long since V... well since he left?"

"He hasn't left yet. Not completely anyway. Just a few minutes before your call he collapsed and when we woke up  again, I was in control."

" So, he's still alive?"

"I hope so..." sighed Johnny. 

Judy looked at the ocean, the barely bitten piece of pizza in her hand. Tears formed in her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away before Johnny could see them. 

"What do you mean you hope?"

"It's a little more complicated than that. Do you have time? I could really use your  help, Judy."

She nodded without hesitation. V had dropped everything when she was down. If he needed her  help, she would be there for him no matter what it was about. Johnny told her everything, from the fight with Kerry, to the drive from Panam back to Vik and Misty. That he stopped taking his pills, the panic attacks, the suicide attempt, the malfunctions, and V's incredible fear of soon being completely gone. Judy listened to him quietly, struggling again and again with her own emotions. When Johnny finally stopped talking, she did something no one had ever done before: she took him in her arms. She hugged him tightly and for the first time since V had surrendered to his fate, Johnny was able to cry openly. She held him while he sobbed.  _ Fucking V. His sentimentality had rubbed off on him. _ Judy said nothing and closed her eyes. She felt how bitterly needed this emotional outburst was for him. Everyone could only see how V was suffering, but Johnny was worried sick about him too and blamed himself for everything that had happened to V in the last few weeks. 

"I can't just stand by and do nothing Judy, but I have no choice."

"The way I see it," she said, taking his face between her hands. "Is that you use the time you're involuntarily trapped in his body to track down every possible lead and follow it to try and save him. You do so much more for him than you give yourself credit for."

Johnny wiped the tears from his eyes. Judy was right, but he didn't really want to accept that either. He was Johnny fucking Silverhand, he almost single-handedly bombed Arasaka, and now he was sitting here, crying, and he couldn't even save the life of a friend.  _ Ironic _ , he thought to himself.  _ I couldn't save my girlfriend's life either. And Kerry had almost killed himself, too. Maybe the people I love just aren't meant to stay. _

"I don't want credit for doing what should come naturally."

"It's not that natural." 

She put his pizza box on his lap. 

"Eat something, please. V needs this." She took a bite of her pizza before continuing. "You're trying to save him, but it's also killing you. Human instinct is to keep yourself alive. What you're doing Johnny is incredibly selfless. V and you aren't really any different as far as that goes."

Johnny took a slice of pizza and bit into it, frowning a little. That combination was disgusting, how could that seriously be V's favorite pizza. 

"I mean, this isn't going to sound very nice, but I still wish V to come back. Even though I don't wish death on either of you, you're both just victims of this city."

"Don't take it personally, believe me. I want V to stay too, and I'm leaving. I've been dead for 50 years, it was nice to see how far the world has come in all those years, visit some old friends. But this is  _ his _ life,  _ not _ mine. I've lived mine already."

Judy sat back. She wanted to change the subject, talk with Johnny about his old days with Samurai, about silly gigs he experienced with V. He brought to her attention that he had fixed the roller coaster that was not far from the old Ferris wheel. The two decided to take it for a spin. It was hair-raising and for half a minute they both thought they were going to die, but still they laughed. Judy was able to talk Johnny into coming to Lizzy's with her. It did Johnny good not to think about his friend's impending death for a few hours, even though he felt worse with every passing minute that he did nothing to help him.

Judy sat down behind her PC in the basement of Lizzy's Bar. Johnny grabbed a chair, sat backwards on it, and watched as she filled two glasses with liquor. 

"V doesn't like it when I drink. He says the hangover is hell," Johnny smirked. 

"He'll live."

The two paused for a moment. He would not live through it. Maybe the hangover, but not... this. 

"To V."

"To V." 

The two raised their glasses, toasted, and downed the alcohol in one. They twisted their mouths and shook their heads. 

"Judy, that was disgusting, what was that?"

She laughed and looked at the label. 

"Something Chinese. V had brought this with him once; do you know any kanji?"

"A little. I know some Japanese, give it to me."

She handed him the bottle and Johnny examined it carefully. 

"No," he laughed out. "Not a clue."

Judy and he burst out laughing. It felt good to just do something normal for a change, after weeks of torture. 

"Johnny, I might have an idea."

The mood immediately tilted a bit, but the two knew why they had  actually met . It was about V's life. No matter how many good moments they spent together, they couldn't save the young man with them. Johnny raised a brow, crossed his arms on the back of the chair and leaned his chin on it.

"An idea," he repeated. "Let's hear it. I hope it has nothing to do with porn."

"Secretly, you hope it does," she smirked. 

"Yeah. Maybe," he grinned back. 

"You're not that far off though. No, no porn, I promise. But braindances."

"Braindances? What do you have in mind? As far as I know, V never recorded any himself, if you're planning on exploring his past."

"No he hasn't, I know that. But you know who did a braindance recording once?"

Johnny shook his head, but his interest was sparked. 

"Kerry."

A heavy silence settled over the room. The music that sounded softly from upstairs into the basement seemed to fade away. Kerry had recorded a BD? Johnny laughed briefly.

"I thought you said no porn."

Judy couldn't suppress a grin. 

"It's not porn, now stop it."

she slapped him on the arm. Johnny  laughed; the mood lightened a bit again. The alcohol before had apparently been a good idea after all, probably planned by Judy just like that. 

"Now, dearest Judy. What's your idea?"

"You said you were having trouble luring him out. To show him what's left is still worth fighting for. And that he loves Kerry, really and genuinely. The kind of love that doesn't even exist in Night City anymore. Kerry had recorded a day in his life a few years ago at the insistence of his label. I saw it, absolutely nothing special. How he gets up, walks through his mansion, makes music. But it's the mansion in North Oak that he and V live in. It's probably a little neater than V described it and a few things are certainly different. But I checked the BD. No sudden ex-boyfriend, no messages from Kerry's ex-wife. He kept his personal life completely out of it. The BD has also since been taken off the market, but-"

"I don't even want to know where you got it."

"Nope, you don't." Judy grinned maliciously. 

"So, what do you think, Silverhand?"

"Johnny. Don’t call me that please”, he sighed. “Let me think about this for a minute. After all, if we try the BD, I'll have to live through it not him. I don't even know if it reaches V."

"I can't tell you that either, but since a BD short-circuits with the brain's neural networks there is at least some probability. My hope is that this way we can show him that it's worth fighting. At least for the man he loves."

Johnny lowered his chin even deeper into his arms.  _ Damn, Judy is good. _ Her idea was risky, but what was the worst that could happen? V had already given up anyway, this BD was the first time he had a realistic chance to convince him otherwise. Judy watched him and poured herself a second glass of the ominous Chinese liquor. 

"We'll do it."

She grinned with satisfaction. 

"That's what I wanted to hear. Your first BD, right?"

Johnny nodded. He'd been through enough shit in his life that a fucking braindance like this wouldn't kill him. He certainly hoped so at least. 

"Just sit in that chair over there. I'll take care of the rest. V has already had a few BDs, so his neurons are already used to it. That's good, less headache for you."

Johnny stood up and slowly moved to the chair. Judy was far too enthusiastic for his taste. He dropped into the chair and closed his eyes briefly as the room spun a little. The liquor had more of a kick than he expected. On the other hand, V was definitely underfed from the previous days and his body had barely tolerated alcohol before. Judy typed away briefly on her keyboard before taking a headset and joining Johnny. She carefully put it on him and adjusted a few screws. 

"Comfortable?"

Johnny just gave a thumbs up. His arm was ripped off. Twice. He could just about handle a stupid headset. 

"Very good. It's going to glow a little bit  now, it might hurt your optics. Only takes a few seconds, I promise. And then you'll find yourself in Kerry's mansion. We'll let the scenario play out for now, and if you want to go into the editor afterwards, we're able to do that too."

"I just hope that V surfaces somehow. That's all I really want. Don't need to spend a day in my best friend's body."

"You would be interested a little bit, admit it."

"No comment."

Judy just grinned as she made a few final adjustments.

"Ready?"

"Always."

And with those words, the flickering began. It was uncomfortable in the eyes, but Johnny had been warned. It went black around him for a moment, until all at once a bright light flashed and he found himself in Kerry's daybed upstairs. Sure enough, it was his mansion. 

"Johnny? Can you hear me?"

"Yes I... yes I hear you Judy," he murmured, a bit overwhelmed by all the emotions he suddenly felt. 

"Judy?"

"Yes?" 

"I feel funny."

"Oh," was all she said, "I forgot to tell you. You're not just seeing what Kerry sees. You're also sensing and hearing everything and experiencing what he was thinking and feeling while you're in the BD. Sorry. Should have mentioned that."

"Yeah, that would have been kind of important”, Johnny sighed. 

“So... what do I do now?”

“Just enjoy the ride, I guess. Can’t do anything in a BD, it’s like VR dream. Kinda.”

“I see.  So let’s dive into it. Hopefully it helps.”

** BD 01564-BF4  **

KERRYS MANSION – 06/12/2077

Kerry groaned; the sunlight hit him directly in the face. The windows were dimmed just enough to not make his eyes hurt. He looked around, a hand wandering around the empty sheets beside him, still warm. He smiled softy and felt his heart jump a bit at the thought of the young merc. Just as he sat up V walked through the door smiling at him. 

_ “Judy”, Johnny said, his voice nearly cracking. “What have you done?” _

_ “I’m sorry Johnny. I lied.” _


	8. You're going to pay for this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I didn't know Kerry was such a schlub."   
> "You mean you didn't realize how in love he really is with V."   
> Johnny paused.   
> "Put some effort into it, rocker boy. We're here to help V. Any movement so far?"   
> "No... Nothing at all. But then, the day has only just begun, so maybe something will happen to trigger something in V. I hope so, at least."   
> "Me too. Come on, on with the movie." 

"Hey handsome."

V beamed as he walked up to Kerry. He sat down on the bed, the mattress giving away under his weight. Kerry immediately snuggled up to him, arms around his hips, head on his lap. 

"You're up pretty early by your standards."

"What time is it," Kerry murmured into V's thigh.

"Eleven, maybe half past eleven."

"Don't you have to go to Afterlife?"

"No." He stroked Kerry's hair.

_ A shiver stretched down Johnny's spine, the hair on his arms standing up. A positive feeling ran through him, as if he were at peace with everything. He felt Kerry's heart racing, full of joy at V's touch.  _

"I took the day off, a day just for the two of us. I might have looked at your schedule and seen that you don't have to go to the studio today. I wanted to take advantage of that."

Kerry grinned. He loved this man more than anything. 

_ Johnny could sense that, too. He knew similar feelings only from Alt. It wasn't the same though, their relationship had been far from perfect. Their last conversation literally a breakup. He regretted never getting involved in anything serious. And seeing V now through Kerry's eyes hurt even more than he wanted to admit. _

"Lie down with me some more," Kerry purred. 

V ran his hand through the older man's soft, silver hair. 

"I made breakfast."

"It can wait."

Kerry pulled him down to him by the nape of his neck and kissed him deeply. 

__

_ Johnny felt the kiss, an intense sensation. Like butterflies in his stomach, only worse.  _

_ "Johnny, are you okay?" Judy sounded seriously concerned. _

_ "Yeah I'm... I'm fine." _

_ He didn't know whether to enjoy this moment or despise it. These feelings were completely new to him and he was overwhelmed by them.  _

__

V looked deep into Kerry's eyes, nothing but adoration for him. 

"Your arguments are persuasive, old man."

"I'll give you old man in a minute!" laughed Kerry, playfully slapping V on the ass. "Now lay the fuck down."

"Yeah  yeah , you're always so impatient."

V freed himself from his pants and tossed them beside the bed. He lay down by Kerry and pulled him to his chest, his head leaning a little against the back of the bed. This gave him a view out to the pool while his lover lay in his arms. Kerry ran his finger along between V's abs, stopping briefly at his belly button and tracing the scars that stretched across his abdomen. He found them sexy, but he was also worried. What if V didn't come home one day? Kerry just hoped that if V died suddenly, he would at least know, not wonder where he was for days until some scav pulled him out of the gutter and took him completely apart. Kerry shook himself at the thought. 

__

_ Johnny took a deep breath. His hands clenched for a brief moment, eyes closed shut. His chest tightened and it felt like his air was being cut off. As quickly as this feeling had come, it had disappeared.  _

__

V gently caressed Kerry's forehead. 

"Stop worrying so much. I'm here, I'm fine, and I'll never leave, I promise."

"Can you really promise that?"

Kerry looked up at V. His pitch-black eyes met his own blue ones, a smile tugging at his lips. 

"I mean, I'll do what I can, right? Chip and all that. It's not easy, but I'm not giving up.  As long as I have you, I won't give up, I promise."

Kerry propped himself up for a moment and kissed V tenderly. He closed his eyes, just for a few seconds, but he had to savor this moment. When their lips parted, they both gasped for air. Kerry already had many boyfriends in his life.  Also girlfriends. He was over 80, so that was probably nothing unusual. He had even been married once 30 years ago, the marriage didn't last long, produced two children and ended in tragedy. Kerry lost over half of his possessions.

He was not sad about it though; this loss had only enabled him to develop properly. And to be honest, his preferences were more of a male nature anyway. Even more when these ‘males’ were V. His lovers' movements pulled him out of his daydreams. The young Merc had made himself comfortable, so it was decided: today was a chill and bed day. Those were Kerry's favorites anyway. 

_ "So now I have to spend the day in bed with V?" _

_ "Don't worry Johnny, they'll both be up in a minute." _

_ "Are they having sex?" _

_ "Hmm," Judy laughed. "Why don't you just watch the movie instead of asking all the time what happens next?" _

_ Kerry and V spent another half hour in bed. Judy was kind enough to fast forward that part for Johnny. She knew nothing interesting was happening, they weren't even talking but just cuddling. Even if she was a little worried that this memory might be a trigger for V that they unintentionally skipped.  _

Kerry and V stood in the kitchen, both leaning against opposite counters, yogurt in hand. It was so domestic. 

"My little Merc," Kerry smirked as he nudged V's foot with his own. V laughed and blushed a little. 

"Stop saying it like that. I'm taller than you."

"And almost 60 years younger."

"It's 2077, age is really just a number now."

"I'm glad you think so."

"You don't?"

"Oh yes I do! But as the older of the two of us, that's easier to say."

Kerry grinned. He eyed V, his skin slightly flushed, signs of a sunburn he must have gotten at the  Aldecaldos '. Freckles scattered across his nose. A long scar, slightly pink, stretched from his right ear to his lip. It was fine  and, in some places, covered by  cyberware . You had to get very close to him to see it. And Kerry considered himself lucky to have the opportunity. He followed the lines of his  cyberware down his slender neck, where they merged into the tips of his abstract chest tattoo. Black lines stretched across his shoulders to his upper arms. V also had some scars on his arms and chest, marked by the rough world of Night City. He hadn't been a Merc long, but he had made a name for himself so quickly that everyone hired him. Until he even took over Afterlife from Rogue. People trusted him. And Kerry trusted that he would always come back to him. 

_ "I didn't know Kerry was such a schlub." _

_ "You mean you didn't realize how in love he really is with V." _

_ Johnny paused.  _

_ "Put some effort into it, rocker boy. We're here to help V. Any movement so far?" _

_ "No... Nothing at all. But then, the day has only just begun, so maybe something will happen to trigger something in V. I hope so, at least." _

_ "Me too. Come on, on with the movie." _

"What do you say we go for a spin in the convertible right now, the weather is gorgeous."

"Only if you drive, otherwise we'll end up in some gutter," Kerry laughed.

"I'll never let you get behind the wheel again, believe me. That one time was enough for me."

"Ey."

Kerry playfully kicked V in the shin. Even that hurt him for a second and he winced a little, though tried not to let on in front of his Merc boyfriend. He watched spellbound as V finished his yogurt and then deftly tossed it into the trash can at the other end of the kitchen. The corner of his mouth quirked up a bit, this mountain of a man could be so elegant. His eyes moved from his hands down to his ass, definitely one of his favorite parts of V, right after his beautiful face. He was trying to remember every tiny detail on his body when the Merc suddenly stood in front of him. 

"Seen enough? Want a picture, it'll last longer." 

V lifted Kerry's chin and kissed him intimately. Kerry put his arms around his shoulders and closed his eyes. He felt like a teenager again, that he could still experience this at that age made him giggle slightly. 

_ Johnny felt a little uncomfortable. His own feelings instinctively fought against those he felt through Kerry. Kissing V was incredibly strange for him, as it should be. But by seeing it all through Kerry's eyes, he also felt the love he felt for the young man. He sighed aloud.  _

_ "What's wrong?" _

_ "V can't give up. As gooey as it is, Kerry loves him. Incredibly." _

_ "That's what we were going for, wasn't it? Still no sign of life from V?" _

_ "Nothing. Maybe..." _

_ "Don't say  _ _ it _ _ Johnny. He's not lost yet. He wouldn't do that to us." _

_ "I trust him with anything by now." _

_ "I don't." _

_ Judy was merciful enough to skip showering and dressing for Johnny.  _

It had been about an hour since the conversation in the kitchen. Kerry and V were in the convertible, leaving Night City for the Badlands. The weather was glorious, the sun burned lightly on Kerry's skin, but the wind made up for it all and merely made him feel more than pleasantly warm. V let a hand slide onto his thigh, which Kerry immediately grabbed and smirked. 

"Not while driving babe."

"You're having kinky thoughts right back," V hummed, amused by Kerry's directness. 

"I always have those when I'm with you. Where are you taking me, anyway?"

"A small pond, a little further out of town. Maybe another 10 minutes from here, 15 max. The water, the sun, you and me, and the vast expanse of the NUSA."

"Sounds tempting."

"I thought so," V smirked. 

"Do I have to worry about you packing so much? Not that you're trying to drown me. You're not in my inheritance yet."

V and he laughed, an honest laugh. 

"No, Ker. For heaven's sake." He squeezed his hand briefly, a warm feeling spreading through Kerry's chest, his cheeks flushing slightly. "A surprise. I hope you'll like it. Could change our lives."

"Oh, NOW I'm really scared V." Kerry grinned. 

_ "Fuck!" gasped Johnny. "Judy, something's wrong." _

_ "I'm pausing the BD, what's going on Johnny?" _

_ "I think it's V. Something.... In my head, shit. It hurt. But it's gone. For now." _

_ “Can you continue?” _

_ “Yeah  _ _ yeah _ _. I think we’re might  _ _ getting _ _ closer.” _

Kerry and V reached the pond after only a few more minutes. It was beautiful, the water shimmered greenish blue in the light of the bright sun, two lonely trees blew barely noticeable in the light wind of the wasteland. 

"I didn't know you had such an eye for aesthetics," Kerry joked as he retrieved the bag from behind the back seat.

"I'm with you, after all."

Brief silence. 

"You're a suck-up, V."

Kerry couldn't suppress a laugh, the feeling of butterflies back in his stomach. His golden cybernetics glistened in the high midday sun, sweat droplets of sweat forming on his tanned forehead. 

"We definitely need to swim."

"Was the plan Ker." 

V smirked. He looked eerily happy, content even. The situation was unusually tame. 

__

_ "I don't remember ever being out here with those two." _

_ "V probably used Beta Blockers to take you out for a few hours. The whole day seems like he wanted it just for Kerry and himself. No wonder Kerry had that BD saved." _

_ "Are you going to tell me what's happening?" _

_ "Nope, no spoilers." _

_ Johnny groaned.  _

_ "All right, go on then." _

__

V jumped into the water first. He had completely shed his clothes and was floating naked through the cool wet. Kerry watched him. If it were any other man, he would have felt an irrepressible need between his legs, but with V it was different. Not that he didn't want to take him right here. But the desire to just be with him, to hold him in his arms and just feel him was greater. Kerry also stripped off his clothes and jumped into the water next to V with a loud splash. V's laughter could still be heard under the surface of the water. Kerry's heart was pounding. He surfaced next to him and stroked his hair back, but barely had time to catch his breath, so suddenly the younger man was at his neck and kissing him deeply.

"Babe, we're going down."

"You'll hold us."

The mood was boisterous. The two splashed through the water, kissing and caressing each other, barely able to keep their hands off one another for more than a minute. V grabbed Kerry bridal style and walked out of the water with him, dripping all over the sand as well as his boyfriend. Kerry's heart pounded again as he held onto his neck with slippery fingers. The hot sun of the wasteland dried the skin of the two in a flash as they sprawled on two blankets in the shade of the trees. 

"And no one comes by here?"

"I mean," V began. "I can't guarantee it. But I'll beat the shit out of anyone who puts a picture of your dick in a newspaper, I promise."

Kerry snorted. 

"Wow V. Fucking preem."

He rested his head on V's chest and began tracing the cybernetics of his arms with his fingers. How could this man next to him, one of Night City's most feared Mercs, be  dozing so peacefully in the sun? With a smile on his lips and a hand on his lover. It made no sense, but then again nothing made sense in this world. After a few more minutes of stroking, Kerry slowly dozed off, snuggled close to V, his heartbeat always in his ear. 

__

_ "I'll fast-forward the sleep, okay?" _

_ "Judy. I'm not feeling very well." _

_ "Why, what's wrong?" _

_ "I don't know. I'm nervous. I feel like I'm not just picking up on what Kerry was feeling." _

_ "So V is upset?" _

_ "I would assume so." _

_ "Then let's move on quickly." _

__

Kerry and V spent the whole day at the little pond. V had been gracious enough to precook dinner and surprise him with it.  Fillipinian , of all things. It was almost too perfect to be true. Kerry had been happy all day but was beginning to wonder what V's big surprise was. 

" So the food was the surprise, extra digging into my grandmother's recipes, huh?" 

He shoved another fork into his mouth and literally beamed. 

"First of all, I didn't rummage, I browsed in total awe," V replied with his mouth full. 

"Second, the food isn't the surprise, but it's good to know you can be bought with something as simple as that."

"Something that simple? I couldn't cook eggs if my life depended on it and here you are preparing a  four course meal."

V held his hand over his mouth and laughed.

"I'm glad you like it Ker," he smirked and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

_ Johnny clenched his fists.  _

_ "I think I can feel him," he whispered.  _

_ "V? Or Kerry?" _

_ "Both of them, kind of. Not a pleasant feeling, if you ask me V doesn't seem happy about our little venture." _

_ "What do you mean?" _

_ "I feel a rage inside me, an incredible anger. But at the same time, the full love of Kerry. It's a terrible back and forth." _

_ "Do you think you can handle it? Or should we better stop?" _

_ "No... no I can handle it, Judy. We have to help V no matter what it takes." _

_ He paused briefly to catch his breath.  _

_ "But when we're done with this, I’ll beat your ass. Bet on it." _

_ Judy just laughed and continued the braindance. _

The sun was low over the Badlands by now, bathing the water and sky in a terribly cheesy orangey pink. Kerry leaned against V as he once again  talked about one of his daredevil jobs. Reckless this one he talked about may not have been, but it was incredibly amusing. 

"He really paid you to drive him and his burning cock to a ripper?" laughed Kerry, looking up at V. 

"I wish it was a joke Ker, believe me. But no.  Actually, wanted me to run over a bunch of kindergarteners with my car."

"That's why you should invest your money in decent cybernetics. And rippers."

"My talk. But I think through all his yelling he barely heard me."

"It's your own fault. Did he at least pay?"

"Yep, and I even immortalized him as 'Burning Cock Guy' in my holo. That way he's with me every day."

"Oh, that's really romantic."

Kerry was still holding his stomach from all the laughter of the past half hour. He propped himself up on the blanket as V slowly stood up. He watched the young man, no matter how many times he had seen him, he noticed something new and beautiful about him each time. For example, the way his straight, silver hair shone in the sun and blew gently in the wind. It gave him a wild, but at the same time elegant look. A strong contrast to his eyes and his black tattoos. The way his cybernetics moved in unison with his muscles as he reached out an arm to Kerry and pulled him up without any effort. Kerry lost his balance for a moment, but V's arms immediately wrapped around his hips and stabilized him. 

"Now, now. Careful, we don't want Trauma to pick you up old man." 

He grinned mischievously as he gently kissed Kerry's nose. 

"I'll give you old man in a minute," he replied with a grunt. 

"Let's go for a walk, I have something to show you."

V took Kerry's hand and entwined his fingers in the older man's.

"Where are you taking me?"

"A surprise, as I told you. Wouldn't be one if I gave it away first."

"Touche."

V led him past the pond to a medium-sized rock. Kerry could spot a couple of candles on the side and got a little nervous, his fingers starting to sweat slightly. 

_ "FUCK!" cried Johnny.  _

_ Judy immediately jumped up and ran to him.  _

_ "What's wrong, are you okay?" _

_ "It's V. He's here, he's definitely here Judy." _

_ "I'll stop, just lie still I'll get you out of there." _

_ "No... I can take it, go on, go on," Johnny huffed, feeling like he couldn't breathe.  _

_ "Are you sure?" _

_ "Go!" _

_ Judy hurried back to her PC and continued the braindance.  _

"Uh, V. What's this going to be?" chuckled Kerry nervously. 

"A surprise, as I told you." 

With those words, V stood behind Kerry and covered his eyes while carefully guiding him behind the rock. When he was sure they were both standing safely, he removed his hands again. Kerry looked around, his heart immediately leaping to his throat. Rose petals were everywhere, candles were set up, and music was playing softly. On the stone was carved a 'V + K.E.', a bit rough, but definitely V's style. He couldn't hold back a tear, feeling like he was a little boy again. No one had ever done anything like this for him before and he was completely overwhelmed.

"V, what-" 

Kerry turned to him, but his words stuck in his throat. He threw his hands over his mouth and looked at V, who was kneeling in front of him with a gold ring in his hand. 

"Ker. I know my time here is limited. But I've never met anyone like you. And even though we don't have much left, I want to ask you this question. Will you be my husband?"

___

LIZZY’S BAR

Johnny doubled over and cried out in pain. Judy immediately jumped from her seat and ran to him, trying to hold him in place with all her might. 

"Stay calm, I'll take it from you!"

It took her some effort, but she was able to take the headset off his head. This was not the correct way to end a BD, but she had no other choice. She carefully put the headset aside and reached for Johnny's hand. 

"Hey. Hey Johnny, are you okay? God, I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't touch me!"

Judy looked at him in shock. 

"V... is that you?"

"You made me relive that! YOU and FUCKING JOHNNY!"

Judy had never seen him  so angry; she could have sworn he was going to burst a vein at any moment. 

"V, we-"

V shoved her away and jumped off her chair, still a little rattled from the alcohol. He turned to her,  halfway out already, and pointed a finger at her. 

"You're going to pay for this!"


	9. Chippin' In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took him a great deal of concentration not to answer Johnny out loud. He needed to go somewhere where there were no people, he needed to talk to him and vent his frustration and anger. With his real voice and real words, not just echoed thoughts. He turned dozens of corners, deeper and deeper into the dark alleys of Watson, until finally he was alone in a courtyard. Most important, really, was that there was no Trauma or NCPD around; he didn't want to be labeled a cyberpsychotic and get accidentally shot. Then again, he thought to himself. He shook his head.

**DISCLAIMER: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SLIGHT SMUT**

__  
  
"I can't believe you pulled that shit on me!"

 _"V we had no choice, we-"_

_"You had no choice?!"_

V stopped abruptly. He had just come out of Lizzy's bar a few minutes ago, almost beating up the Moxxies at the entrance being so pissed off. He needed a lot of self-control, but in the end, he was able to break away from the will to beat someone to death. He just kept walking and by now he was a few blocks away, but his anger had not subsided one bit. If Johnny had been physically there at the moment he stopped dead in his tracks, he would have run into V now, but as it was, he merely ran through him, just flickering while passing him. He turned and looked the young man straight in the eye. If there was one image that radiated pure hatred, it would be this one of V. V started walking again, the people around him were already starting to give them strange looks and he didn't feel well enough to start a fucking fight now. His head was still spinning, a mixture of the alcohol, way too little food, and the imposed braindance. His eyes kept glitching, he occasionally lost focus and his balance, even almost fell down a flight of stairs he had simply missed. At the last moment, he was still able to hold on to the railing. 

_"Why didn't I know about your engagement?"_

_"Because I obviously didn't tell you, shithead."_

It took him a great deal of concentration not to answer Johnny out loud. He needed to go somewhere where there were no people, he needed to talk to him and vent his frustration and anger. With his real voice and real words, not just echoed thoughts. He turned dozens of corners, deeper and deeper into the dark alleys of Watson, until finally he was alone in a courtyard. Most important, really, was that there was no Trauma or NCPD around; he didn't want to be labeled a cyberpsychotic and get accidentally shot. _Then again_ , he thought to himself. He shook his head. _No, not until I'm done with Johnny._ V took a deep breath, the air feeling like it got stuck in his throar. Breathing was becoming quite difficult, and he couldn’t stiff the rattling noises coming from his windpipes. He coughed briefly. When he took his hand away from his mouth, it was covered with blood. The frustration in V bubbled over, he slammed his fist full force against a wall, parts of his synthetic skin rubbed off and exposed the metal of his fingers. 

"FUCK!" he blurted out, eyes squinted shut. He leaned his fist, then his forehead against the wall, letting the cold of the wall soothe him a bit before he turned back around, leaning against it. Johnny was already standing in front of him, ready to accept any obscenity that might come out of V's mouth. And V didn't hold back. 

"You thought you'd just take one of the most private and important moments in my life and shove it square up my ass?!" 

"It's a beautiful memory V, what's wrong with you? Why are you so upset about this?" 

"I took beta blockers for a reason, I didn't want you to know about it!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because I hate you, Johnny!" 

Silence. Johnny looked at him and felt... hurt? Johnny Silverhand, hurt because someone hated him? That was ridiculous. About everyone hated him, including his family and closest friends. Everyone. 

Except V. Sure, they weren't best friends at first. In fact, they weren't friends at all in the beginning. But V and he had come to terms with each other. After all, they were forced to share a brain, so at some point there was nothing else to do. Now to hear from his mouth that he hated him... that hurt Johnny. And it made him angry. 

"Oh, you hate me?! Yes? Like you have a reason to hate me, YOU are fucking my best friend! I'd have every reason to hate YOU!" 

"I wouldn't need to list some reasons to hate an asshole like you, but if you want some, please, I'll give them to you! You're selfish, you're stuck-up, you're self-absorbed, you're a killer, you're a terrorist, you're manipulative, you take advantage of your friends just to get your own way, and you ARE FUCKING KILLING ME!" 

Johnny faltered again. V was right, he knew that. But no one had ever said it to his face like that, no one. Not even Kerry, and the two of them had had more than enough fights during their time together in Samurai and outside of it. The only person who ever really dared to tell him what she thought was Alt. Someone he really loved and pushed away from him. _Fuck, just like V_. He ran his fingers through his hair and shoved his sunglasses into his tank top. This couldn’t be happening again. 

"V, listen, this...," he took a deep breath. "I care about you." _Johnny, what happened that you can't even have a rational argument anymore?_ Alt’s voice echoing in his head like some kind of sick mockery. 

"You care about me? ME? YOU? God, I... I don't know whether to laugh or cry." 

V spun in a circle, brushed his hair out of his face, pulled out his braid, and redid his bun. It didn't escape Johnny's notice that he was having a hard time even standing up straight, let alone yelling at him, but V's rage was far from fading. And he really didn't want to intervene now, maybe it would help get him back on track. 

"If you cared about me," he turned back to Johnny. "Would you just accept that I chose to do nothing." 

V suddenly seemed much calmer. He had probably realized himself that this little tantrum was robbing him of more stamina than he had available. 

"That's bullshit, V." 

"This is bullshit? This is somehow still MY life you've nested yourself in as a parasite." 

"If it wasn't for me, you'd have been dead for weeks, you wouldn't have-" 

V pointed a finger at him, eyebrows furiously drawn together. 

"Don't say his fucking name or I’ll find a way to punch you for real!" he hissed through gritted teeth. 

Johnny immediately paused. Maybe Kerry wasn't a good subject right now; he hadn't been a good subject all last week. He felt the hatred in V inside himself as well but was surprisingly good at holding it back somehow. If he wanted to make V fight for his life, he couldn't throw it at him now how shitty he was acting. 

"Alright alright V, got it." 

He raised his hands in surrender and looked at him. 

"Still, can you tell me why this memory caused such a reaction in you? Did he... say no?" 

V wanted to punch him in the face, shove him against the wall, bring him to the ground and stomp on him. His Mantis Blades jerked up briefly but retracted immediately. They jammed a little, but he didn't care. 

"He didn't say no, unlike you he's not a heartless bastard," he spat. 

"So you just didn't want to be reminded of how happy you guys were." 

"Can you just shut the fuck up Silverhand? Or are you too stupid for that too?" 

_Easy Johnny. He's angry, he's about to die. He's also a little drunk because of you. Fuck, this night probably couldn't have ended any shittier._ On the other hand... at least he was finally back, which meant he wasn't completely lost yet. And he took it out on him, not Judy, which was something. At least he couldn't hurt Johnny. 

“He loves you.” 

“I told you... to shut up...”, V huffed, clutching his chest. He clenched his teeth, shutting his eyes hard. The pain spiraled from his chest down to his back, making his feet feel numb. Johnny could feel it too, of course he could. V was closer to the end than he had thought. He should have taken the fucking pills, how was he going to save him like this? 

"V, you have to go home." 

"I'm not going home anymore. You were with Judy, who knows what else you did while I was gone." 

"They are just worried. So am I." 

"Fuck you." 

With each breath, his voice grew shakier. He gave a short gasp and held onto the wall beside him. He'd had enough of Johnny, at least for now. The outburst of rage had left him tired, his body overworked. He wondered where he could spend the night. Certainly not in his apartment, and certainly not with friends. He just wanted to be alone, as alone as one could be with an asshole like Johnny in your head. He would have loved to take a pill, but he wasn't sure if they even worked anymore, nor did he want to prolong the hostile takeover even for a second. Not to mention, he didn't have any pills on him at all. He had thought about just popping the red ones, but he had thrown those away some time ago. When he was with... When he was with Kerry. When the two of them had decided to do absolutely _everything_ to make sure he survived. 

Those days were over, of course, and now he longed to just call it a day. V didn't know himself why he didn't just give himself the bullet. No, that wasn't quite true, he knew _exactly_ why he didn't. V was a good man, deep in his heart he always had been. And by committing suicide, he would not only be killing himself, but Johnny as well. He didn't want to have two lives on his conscience and so this way his body at least still had a good use after his death. Johnny watched him, growing more restless with each passing minute. V had barely moved since his last outburst, croaking and gasping for breath as he leaned against the wall of the house. Then, with a loud groan, he stood up straight and went on his way. After only a few meters, Johnny knew where he planned to go: The No Tell Motel. Of course, that was probably the safest place for someone like him right now. No one would look for him here, it was discreet, it wasn't necessarily popular. He had the Eddies to spend his last days here lying on the couch doing nothing, and then when Johnny eventually woke up in his body and left, no one would ask what had happened. 

Kabuki was well animated at this hour. It was late night by now, though it was hard to tell through the fluorescent lighting. V used to be a friend of these alleys, had done many jobs here and generally had a good time. Not least because of the Joytoys, which did their service. V stopped in front of one of the stores. It was a sex shop, he had once bought something here for Kerry and himself. In Night City, it was no longer taboo to talk about sex in public and to enjoy it to the fullest. He looked in the shop window, his thoughts drifting to Kerry as the two lay in bed, skin to skin. Soaking wet from an exhausting morning, the smell of sex and sweat in the air. He missed it, he missed it all so much. 

V flinched as a hand touched him on the shoulder. He looked through the reflective window and saw a young man behind him. 

"Hey cutie, are you looking for a good time?" 

V turned around. A Joytoy. He eyed him skeptically and swallowed briefly. Johnny popped up behind the slightly shorter man and shook his head. His look said "Think about Kerry," but V did his best to ignore the rocker. 

"Maybe I do," V replied. 

The Joytoy grinned. 

"Five hundred Eddies and I'll do what you want." 

V pondered. That wasn't what he wanted. But maybe it distracted him from this shitty life. 

"After you." 

The Joytoy smirked, took his hand and led him straight into a small store, through into a dim room. V stumbled after him, struggling to really stay on his feet. 

"Alcohol in your blood? Drugs?" 

"No, just... just some liquor. That's all." 

"It's not my business anyway sweetie." 

The young prostitute stripped in front of V, pushing him onto a sofa, half sitting on him. V's heart was pounding. He couldn't get Kerry out of his mind. He was jolted back to reality when he felt deft fingers on his pants. The joytoy unzipped his pants with ease and knelt in front of him. With an expectant look he looked up at V. 

"How would we like it?" 

V swallowed. It wasn't the first time he'd been pleasured like this, but it was certainly the first time he'd thought of another man while getting it on. One he really loved. His guilty conscience began to eat him up inside. 

"Do... Just do what you do best." 

"Oh sweetie, that's a lot of things. But we'll work something out for you, don't worry." 

The young man pulled down V's pants and then his boxers. V wasn't hard, a combination of alcohol, exhaustion and the bad conscience took care of that, but that didn't seem to bother the other man. He felt his long, cold fingers working his flaccid cock and V let out a low moan. As if this whole situation wasn't bad enough for him, Johnny suddenly appeared next to him. 

_"You know I can see what you're thinking, too? You don't even want this here V."_

_"Just be quiet Johnny. You don't know what I want."_

_"Apparently I'm the only one who really knows what you want."_

V squeezed his eyes shut and curled into the cushions on the soft sofa. The man definitely knew what he was doing. Even though V resisted inside, it took barely a few minutes until his cock was stiff. The Joytoy smiled contentedly and licked along his shaft with an experienced tongue. 

"Fuck," muttered V. 

This earned him a satisfied grin from the prostitute. 

"Relax cutie, I'll take care of you. As promised." 

V felt his lips on his glans as they slowly sucked and absorbed his precum. 

Johnny could not watch the spectacle. He felt V trying with all his might to wriggle out of this situation. How his thoughts kept drifting back to Kerry. He loved sex with him, he couldn't deny that. He tried to imagine how it was Kerry who was sucking him off right now. That in itself was nearly impossible, because as good as this Joytoy was, he wasn't even close to being as experienced as his older rocker ex-boyfriend. He sighed loudly, the young man between his legs taking it as positive feedback but Johnny knew it was out of pure desperation. 

"I'm... close...", V muttered, holding the man by his hair and pushing him down. He obliged, letting out a small grunt when the tip of V's dick hit the back of his throat. V just wanted to get it over with, and he knew that a Joytoy only gave up when it had done its job to complete satisfaction. Thank God V was a good liar. He had enough really bad sex partners to make every act look like it was earth-shattering. He held the Joytoy's head in place and came with a soft grunt deep in his throat. The man licked contentedly over his slowly flaccid cock before standing up and examining it. 

"Eddies are on their way," V muttered, his eyes lighting up briefly and the transaction completed. The young man thanked him briefly and disappeared out. V gave himself a few minutes, had to take a breath, collect himself. He slowly stood up and zipped his pants. _What have I done_ was the only thing that went through his mind. 

"V." 

Johnny appeared in front of him. V had expected him to freak out, but Johnny looked even more miserable than usually in the last week. He knew exactly how much V had hurt himself by doing that. He didn't even look at Johnny, just lowered his head, walked through him, and disappeared outside. The No Tell Motel was his destination and he wanted nothing more than to get there now. The walk took approximately 10 minutes, enough time to clear his head. He took the first best room, disappeared in there and locked up. Without even looking around, he kicked his shoes into a corner, took off his pants and threw himself into bed. Enough restraint for the day. 

V hadn’t even realized that the radio inside of the room was turned on. As if out of pure spite Kerry’s all-time favorite ‘Chippin In’ started blasting. V stared into the nothingness as he got caught up in his own thoughts, hung up on the voice of the man he loved more than was healthy for one person alone. Johnny could only watch as his presumably best friend curled up into a heap of misery. V grabbed a pillow and snuggled up to it like a little child, a loud cry escaping his lips. Tears flooded his deep, dark eyes. Johnny could sense the agonizing guilt in V. He knew Kerry would never hold the actions of today against him, but V wouldn't believe it even if he told him, even if he swore. And Johnny also knew that it was his fault that V was now lying so miserable in front of him. Judy and he had wanted to help, and now they had only made it worse. 

_… Chips are buzzin’, Implants hot..._

"I can't go back," V sobbed. 

_...Ridin’ high ma’ slots are shot.._

"Shh... V. Calm down." 

_… Metal burning ‘neath ma’ skin..._

"He'll never love me again." 

_… I’m_ _Chippin_ _In!..._


	10. Ker...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had been listening to the ROCK FM station all day long, craving to hear his lover's voice. He was lost in thought, in dreams most of the times, only shaken awake when Kerrys irresistible vocal cords screamed at him through the scrappy radio. He hadn’t known the man for long, yet he had rocked V’s world more than anything else. He longed for the older man, wanted to hold him tightly in his grip, never letting go. It was too late, obviously, no way to bring this back home. He hadn’t only lost himself; he had lost all hope for love. He was getting sappy, even for a 27-year-old but in the end it was the feeling of longing and love, the warmth of remembering was once was, lost, that made V feel alive. For as long as he had left, that is.

Five days. Five long days and V hadn’t been out of bed for more than maybe a few minutes, satisfying his simple needs like taking a piss and drinking whatever was in the minibar of that crappy motel room he was staying in. Johnny hadn’t given up yet, he just wanted to give V time. Time, of all things, they surely didn’t have. Yet it was the only thing V needed right now, hanging more by a thread than anything else. 

He had been listening to the ROCK FM station all day long, craving to hear his lover's voice. He was lost in thought, in dreams most of the times, only shaken awake when  Kerrys irresistible vocal cords screamed at him through the scrappy radio. He hadn’t known the man for long, yet he had rocked V’s world more than anything else. He longed for the older man, wanted to hold him tightly in his grip, never letting go. It was too late, obviously, no way to bring this back home. He hadn’t only lost himself; he had lost all hope for love. He was getting sappy, even for a 27-year-old but in the  end it was the feeling of longing and love, the warmth of remembering was once was, lost, that made V feel alive. For as long as he had left, that is. 

"The sun is shining, V." 

Johnny sat on the couch and watched the man. Or what was left of him. He had extended his Mantis Blades in his sleep a few days ago. He had tried to retract them, but they were jammed. V whined, forcibly pushing the blade on his left arm back in. A short, stabbing pain went through him, rushing like lightning from his arm through his marrow and bones to his toes. Johnny could hardly watch the spectacle, even twitching once from the pain he felt. The other blade was more merciful and at least retracted fully by itself, even though the flaps on his arms no longer closed properly. 

"Hmph," V mumbled into his pillow. "The sun is shining because it's summer Johnny."

Johnny's ear twitched slightly. Did he hear sarcasm there? Had V perhaps had a better day today? He could only hope. 

"How are you feeling?", Johnny got up, made his way to V's bed and sat on the edge of it. V mumbled something.

"I can't hear you when you're babbling into your pillow."

"Better."

V's voice was quiet, broken. He had become very quiet over the last few days. Johnny had never once accidentally taken control of him. Who knows, he thought, maybe things were starting to look up. Or at least... no further downhill. 

"You need to get to  Vik, you can barely move your arms with the blades only halfway in."

"I'm not going to Vik."

Johnny felt the brief impulse of anger in V's chest, but it died out just as quickly as it had come.

"Then some other ripper, I don't care which one. The main thing is that he gets your Mantis Blades back in your arm. Ideally without any more pain."

V turned on his back and looked up at the ceiling. Some mold had formed in the corners, but he wasn't in the No Tell Motel, because that was a five-star bunker. He folded his hands on his chest and groaned briefly. His arms really hurt, maybe Johnny was right. He didn't need to see Vik, but he really needed to see a ripper. With a loud grunt, he straightened up. His usually well-groomed hair was starting to break at the ends. A small dark brown streak had  formed, and the silver was giving way more and more to a slightly washed-out yellow. He took a hair tie, which was lying on the floor in front of the bed, stroked his slightly greasy hair back and tied it into a topknot. He didn't like to cut his hair short, but he didn't want to have it in his face all the time. And Kerry had once told him how sexy he found the hairstyle. Since then, it had become almost a mantra to tie it up. Johnny watched his every move. He wanted to jump up a few times and reach under his arms, so wobbly was V on his feet by now, but all he could do was sit there and watch. 

"You know," V turned around, his facial expression thoughtful. 

"My body stops working."

"I can see that."

V nodded. 

"But why does it only do that while I'm in the front seat? Whenever you take over my body, everything seems okay."

"Well... not everything is okay. I  have to deal with your unkempt  cyberware somehow, too. But you're right, once I get the wheel, I'm relatively fine. Better if you'd drink and eat more for a change. I know it's hard for you when you feel so nauseous. The brain is  powerful, and you are only a very small part of your own now. Your body is trying to fight what little of you is left. I guess that's what it's going to be."

V just hummed in agreement. That will be it. His own body hated  him, it was hilarious. It was a disaster. He gathered his clothes from the floor and disappeared briefly into the bathroom to get at least somewhat ready. Johnny could hardly believe he could talk V into leaving the motel at least briefly. He was about to pat himself on the back when he heard a loud grunt from the bathroom and immediately rushed there. V, dressed only in pants, was hanging over the toilet, regurgitating his last meal; it wasn't much, after all. But the burning sensation of stomach acid in the esophagus did not leave Johnny untouched. V squeezed his eyes shut and, his hand cramped as he held onto the toilet seat. He panted, taking several deep breaths. After a few minutes, he stood up, flushed the toilet and looked at him, miserable as he had been since he and Kerry parted. He shuffled to the sink, rinsed his mouth first, then held his hands under the cold water and splashed some on his face. 

"Are you okay?"

V nodded.

"I'm fine. Been worse. Time for the ripper I suppose."

"Indeed"

V grabbed his shirt. It was dirty, smelled of blood and old sweat. He wrinkled his nose. Maybe it was time for some new clothes. There were enough shops in Kabuki that surely had something cheap for him in store. Johnny nodded in agreement and left the apartment with him. V still had Archangel tucked into his pants, well covered by his shirt. He hadn't used the gun once since he was with Panam in the Badlands and it wasn't his intention to use it ever again. He would bequeath it to Johnny. The model was very similar to his Malorian Arms, they were both from the same manufacturer. Samurai simply had taste. 

V slipped through the alleys of Kabuki, always wary of being recognized. Most people who knew him avoided him. Those who didn't know him simply didn't notice him. As the new head of the Afterlife, he had made a name for himself in the city, at least in the underground. He briefly checked his holo, dozens of missed calls and messages. But nothing from Kerry. 

_ "That's because you blocked him." _

_ Oh yeah. Right. _ He closed the  holo again and his optics glitched briefly. 

_ "You should get those looked at right away, too." _

V hummed. He dodged a few kids and disappeared into a nondescript clothing store. He had resolved to dress better for his boyfriend, but he didn't have to now. He grabbed the first best shirt and pants and tried them on. They fit, were comfortable and affordable. He went to the counter, nodded to the young lady and transferred the Eddies without saying a single word. 

_ "Now off to the Ripper with you, I'm afraid you won't make it there if you keep dilly-dallying." _

_ "I'll live Johnny." _

What a macabre phrase to come out of V's mouth. V opened his HUD and entered the location of an old acquaintance. He wasn't necessarily a ripper, but he knew his way around cyberware, had helped V out of jams many times before he first came to Vik's doorstep. 

_ "Does this guy know what he's doing?" _

_ "I hope so. What's the worst that could happen? That I get killed?" _

_ "That WE get killed." _

_ "It'll be fine." _

Johnny  snorted, V's recklessness incomprehensible to him. It was still his life at stake. Then again, the guy should just check his arms. Worst case scenario, V would make it a couple of days without his arms. And once Johnny was back at the wheel, he would drag his sorry ass to Vik and Misty. The way to this ominous unknown was not that far, his "practice" was right on the edge to Kabuki. V knocked 4x and then opened the door, his greeting consisted of a knife right at his neck. Then a laugh. 

"V. My God." 

The man, a few years older than V and a little bit shorter stood in front of him, knife still at his neck. He relaxed his shoulders and slowly took it down. 

"Come here dude." 

The man grabbed V by the shoulder, pulled him to him and took him in his arms, all while quickly kicking the door shut behind the young Merc with his foot. Johnny crossed his arms and eyed the man skeptically. 

"What brings you to me? Aren't you far too important and well known to pay me another visit? You're with Vector by now, right?  Man, I'm proud of you."

V smirked briefly. He was not in the mood to talk about his 'successes'. 

"Just here to have something checked out Dom."

"Hmm, I'm honored nonetheless. What's it about?"

Dom made his way through a more than crowded store, opened the door to a dimly lit room, and made room for V. V examined the Ripper chair in front of him and sat down while Dom closed the door and turned on the light. 

"My Mantis Blades are jammed. Just need some oiling probably,  adjustments . Not caring for an update though. Will get replaced soon."

"I see."

Dom sat down on a chair and wheeled around to it, placing V's right arm on the back and examining the arm. 

"What did you do to it?"

"Not important. The right one still retracts, but the flaps don't close properly anymore. The left one I pushed in with force. Hurts pretty bad if I'm honest."

"I'll take a look at it, no problem. Almost doesn't hurt either, I promise." 

Dom wheeled the chair around, pulled more-than-old tools out of the drawer, and went to work on V's arms. It pinched and pulled, but nothing V couldn't stand. He was lost in his thoughts when an unexpected question brought him back to reality.

"Are you still interested in this Eurodyne?"

V swallowed. Had Kerry made their relationship public? Where did this question come from all of a sudden?

"W-what?" he stammered. 

" Eurodyne , you know. The musician. I remember you were pretty into him as a teenager.”

V chuckled nervously. 

"Why do you want to know?"

"He's been around Watson an unusual amount at the moment."

Johnny appeared next to V, looked briefly at Dom, then at him. He watched V's reaction before averting his gaze and watching Dom work. 

_ " _ _ So _ _ Kerry's looking for you. And you're complaining that he won't come visit you at your apartment. Do you know how dangerous that is for him?" _

V lowered his head briefly. 

"I don't know why he's in Watson."

"Neither do I," Dom laughed. "But he's here a lot, and I thought I'd tell you. You,  being a little fan, maybe you can dust off an autograph, or a picture."

_ "Yeah V, maybe you can dust off a photo with him. Would be the 5000th one on your camera." _

_ "Shut up." _

"Well, I'm not really into older men anymore. I'm not into anything right now. The job... you know."

"No time to pant after anyone.  Of course, I understand, you've got quite a reputation here. Just thought you might want to reminisce a little."

"I'm good, thanks. But thank you for letting me know. The streets will be packed when he arrives here so I might just get out of the district for a few."

"Your Mantis Blades should work again, too. You were lucky, they were just a little stuck. Probably got hit in the face once, huh?" laughed Dom. 

"Thanks," V rubbed his arms. "Eddies are on their way."

"I know I know. Nice to see you again."

"You too. I'll come by again sometime, I promise."

V jumped off his chair and hurried out. Johnny sensed something was  wrong but wanted to wait until they were outside to follow up. The door closed behind V and he took a deep breath. Not that the air of Night City was  really fresher than in Dom's cramped store, but different. 

_ "What was that?" _

_ "My ex." _

_ "Your what now?" _

_ "Ex,"  _ V sighed.  _ "We parted on good terms, no bad blood. Even though it was hard, of course. That was forever ago Johnny, but I knew I could trust him." _

_ "Yeah, I can see there's no interest there anymore. But I can also see that you're interested in seeing Kerry again. Maybe he's already back in Watson we should check." _

_ "The hell we should," _ V rummaged in his pocket for cigarettes.  _ "I sure as hell don't want to run into him Johnny. What do you want me to tell him? 'Hey, sorry for running away, but you hit me and that hurt. Well, fair game, I got my dick sucked by a joytoy yesterday?" _

V lit the cigarette, his hands shaking, a mixture of exhaustion and the upgrade of his Mantis Blades. The pain had passed by now, but the motor function was not 100% back yet. 

_ "While we're here in Kabuki, I could do Rogue's job." _

_ "I think we have more important things to do than find a broken  _ _ Joytoy _ _ V." _

_ "And I think I'm the one who decides what to do with my life while I still have it." _

For  a brief moment , he wasn't paying attention to his surroundings and ran right into the back of a  man. He was unmoved by the sudden intruder behind him; his attention was on someone else entirely. V looked past the man. A huge cluster of people had formed on the side of the road and...  _ fuck. That's Kerry's  _ _ Aerondight _ _. _ V tried to turn around, but more and more people were pushing towards his ex-boyfriend. V was trapped and could only watch as Kerry slowly got out of his car. He wasn't even wearing a disguise, just a pair of sunglasses that somewhat obscured his face. His expression was grim, he held up a hand to ward off photographers as best he could. A bodyguard got out of the other side of his  Aerondight , about V's size, but much wider. V clenched his fists.

_ "I don't think Kerry wants anything from the big ape next to him." _

V said nothing, but Johnny understood immediately. It wasn't a matter of V being jealous. V was afraid, for Kerry. Out on the street so publicly, without him by his side, and in Watson, too. No bulletproof clothing, not in his car. V scanned the area, pinging anyone with a gun. He held a hand to his temple, his eyes lit up blue. The hacking hurt him,  _ fuck _ , he'd forgotten to have Dom check his optics. He jammed all the guns within a  20-meter radius. That would never be enough, but at least it gave him a little reassurance. Fuck, the NUSA had even more lax gun laws than the US  had and it was driving him mad. Mad with worry. Kerry pushed through the crowd toward an NCPD station.  _ What does he want with the NCPD? _ He disappeared inside while his bodyguard waited outside, keeping people at a distance. 

_ "V, now's your chance." _

_ "No."  _

_ "At least listen to them, who knows what Kerry will do if you're not with him.” _

V groaned but gave in to Johnny's request. He would never have admitted it, but he cared too much about his lover himself to just let him out of his sight now. He pushed a few people aside and looked grimmer than ever. That way he was sure no one would get in his way. A few people recognized him as the head of the Afterlife and just gave him space. Kerry's bodyguard always in sight, keeping himself out of the broader  man's view cone, V made his way to an alley next to the NCPD. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes; the few hours outside had drained him already now. He put one hand on the cold wall, the other to his temple, and hacked into the NCPD's security system. After a few adjustments, he could listen to the conversation inside. 

"Mr. Eurodyne, how long has the gentleman been missing?"

"Two weeks."

Kerry struggled to speak calmly, but V immediately noticed the slight tremor in his voice. He couldn't see it, but he could feel his lower lip trembling. 

"Two weeks. That's a long time here in Night City. Are you sure he's still alive?"

Kerry paused. 

"I... no, I'm not. But I still have hope, he's a good kid and he knows how to defend himself."

"Name?"

"V."

"V”, the officer repeated. “Just V?"

"Just V."

"Funny name," the cop muttered. 

"I'm here to find him, not have you make remarks about him."

_ "Kerry's still got fire up his ass, good to know." _

_ "Shut up Johnny." _

"Mr. Eurodyne. I'm going to need some more information. Age, height? Do you have a photo?"

"He's 27. About 5'10", maybe 6'."

V bit his tongue.

"I have a photo. Officer, it's of incredible urgency, I'm worried about him."

"Everyone in Night City is worried about someone Mr. Eurodyne. Why do you come to Watson, of all places?"

"He lives here. Or lived. His apartment is in  Megablock 10, I'll ping you the address. I'm afraid I don't have an access card, but I'm sure your men have ways."

"What's your connection to the missing person?"

V paused. What would Kerry say? A friend? An acquaintance?

"My fiancé."

"Fiancé. I see. We'll let you know as soon as we find him."

_ "Fiancé, did you hear that?  _ _ So _ _ I would have known by now at the latest. God V, he's so morbidly worried that he even made his way into Watson just to look for you.” _

_ “I  _ _ know.. _ _ I’ve heard” _ , V mumbled. 

_ “He’s coming back out, now’s your chance.” _

V shook his head but got all his courage up. Johnny felt that something in him had changed, that the fact Kerry called him officially his fiancé had awakened something in him Johnny had thought was lost already. V closed the HUD, his head throbbing with pain from overusing his crooked optics. He had only one thing in mind: Getting to Kerry. He slipped out of the alleyway to see his input stepping out of the police station, bodyguard tallying him directly. He made his way to his  Aerondight and got in, V rushing to get through the thickening crowd. Just as he watched Kerry close his door, he felt a sharpening pain in his abdomen. His hands rushing to his stomach immediately, feeling warm and hot liquid seeping through his shirt and fingers. He looked up,  Kerrys bodyguard in front of him, slowly retracting his Mantis Blade. V let out a sharp scream as he fell to his knees. The bodyguard stepping in front of him. 

“Don’t get too close to Mr. Eurodyne.”

He stepped away and got into  Kerrys car, while the people around them rushed away, not wanting to get into trouble with neither the NCPD nor  Kerrys more than brutal bodyguard. V watched as his fiancé's car started rolling away from him. 

_ “V. Stay awake. V, can you hear me?” _ , Johnnys voice muffled as the world around V turned black. 

It ended how it always did for V. Lying in the gutter, bleeding out, fighting for dear life. Johnny knew he would survive this, physically. But would he mentally?

“Ker...”

V’s voice nothing more than a whisper. How was he always destined to lose everything he loved? Blood dripping slowly from his mouth as he lost his consciousness, one  one last thought slipping out. 

“Ker...”


	11. Come In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny grunted, his head pounding like crazy. Around him a dozen footsteps, screams, people talking, walking over him. He felt the pain in his abdomen, the warmth of the blood that pooled out of the stab wound V had just received moments ago. He had lost consciousness, he remembered now, sitting in front of the young man, afraid that the light in his eyes was fading. V had collapsed. A stab wound like this normally wouldn’t have taken him out so easily but then again, his body was fragile, everything inside out breaking already. Johnny was just glad he was still alive.   
> ____  
> This chapter is a bit shorter, I'm sorry. It's more like a setup.

Johnny grunted, his head pounding like crazy. Around him a dozen footsteps, screams, people talking, walking over him. He felt the pain in his abdomen, the warmth of the blood that pooled out of the stab wound V had just received moments ago. He had lost consciousness, he remembered now, sitting in front of the young man, afraid that the light in his eyes was fading. V had collapsed. A stab wound like this normally wouldn’t have taken him out so easily but then again, his body was fragile, everything inside out breaking already. Johnny was just glad he was still alive. 

Blood dropped from the corner of his mouth. The pool around him still hot, he must’ve been out for not longer than a few minutes. People were calling for Trauma, running into the police station looking for help. Johnny needed to get out of there as fast as he could. Not risking being taken away, not while V was still clinging to his life. 

He leaned on his forearms and moaned.  _ Fuck, it hurt. _ That was really the last thing V needed. Johnny had finally, after more than 3 weeks, made him willing to go back to Kerry and now he was being stabbed by his fucking bodyguard.  _ Fuck! _ The crowd around him had already loosened up, for fear of being whacked as well. Kerry's car was gone by now. So was V. Johnny picked himself up, the wound in his abdomen was large, he didn't know if any vital organs were injured, but didn't assume so. If it were, he probably wouldn't be able to get up now. He pushed some people aside and made his way to a secluded alley, other hand on the wound on his abdomen to close it as best he could. Hardly time to take a breath. He leaned against a wall, closed his eyes for a second, then opened V's  holo .  _ Vik... Vik, Vik, ah! _ He selected his contact and called him.  _ Please pick up, please. _ It rang through a couple of times, Johnny already worried that Vik wouldn't answer, until his face popped up in the top left corner.

"God, V what the hell! Finally, you call, what's wrong with you!!! We're dying of worry, your little parasi-"

"Vik..."

Vik paused. No, it couldn't be.

"Johnny?"

Johnny just nodded, visibly out of sorts and full of a guilty conscience.

"What did you do to V?"

"We need your help, fast. He was stabbed, with a Mantis Blade in the stomach. I'm sending you the location."

"Johnny, I'll fucking ki-"

Johnny hung up quickly. He knew Vik would come for him, and he was prepared for the man's full wrath. He had promised to drag V to them and look for a solution and he had not been able to keep that promise. He slid down the wall, careful to make as little noise as possible and just hoping the ripper would get to him fast. He searched for V in his mind, but he couldn't find the young man anywhere. Fear was spreading. If that had been the last time he saw him Johnny would tear himself apart. It went black in front of his eyes again, he could only keep himself awake with effort, at the thought that Vik would soon be there and help him. At least that's what he hoped. 

He didn't know how much time had passed when he heard the older Ripper's voice. He could barely make out the words. Misty was with him, her voice unmistakable. Vik gam him instructions, which he followed blindly, his body moving as if in a trance. A mixture of exhaustion, the waning adrenaline and far too familiar movements. Vik and Misty helped him into the van they had parked at the end of the hallway. It went black around him again. 

"Johnny.  Johnny can you hear me?"

Johnny  groaned; Misty's voice muffled as if she were miles away. He turned his head, hoping to hear her better. Everything was spinning inside him. 

"Johnny... and... we should... V... Vik could... listen... your stomach... Kerry..."

Johnny barely understood anything she was saying. She sounded agitated, worried even. 

"I can't...understand...," Johnny slurred.

“Let him rest Misty, he needs that now. We’ll beat his ass later.”

And with that Johnny was out again. 

***

Johnny slept a total of 2 days before Vik shook him awake violently. He blinked, groggy, still feeling like absolute dog shit. 

“Johnny  listen . Can you hear me?”

_ Vik. _ Johnny nodded, slowly, carefully. 

“Good, cause I gotta whole lot to tell you, asshole.”

Johnny groaned. He knew he deserved it, V probably even more. But berating him right now was out of the equation. It took him a few minutes until he was finally awake enough to sit up and face Vik. His mind still racing, still comprehending what had happened. 

“How long was I out?”

“2 fucking days. Can be glad you’re still with us.”

Johnny looked down on his –V's- body. He was stitched up, was wearing a wide tank top and sweatpants. Misty and Vik had probably changed his clothes. He looked around the room, still adjusting to the harsh lighting coming from the overhead lamp, beaming in his direction. He felt like everything hurt, his head, his hands, his stomach of course. Vik sitting  beside the bed, eyeing his every move.

“Better explain this shit to me Silverhand before I forget myself.”

He watched him through his glasses, looking pissed. 

“Promise you won’t punch me again.”

“Can’t promise but I’ll try.”

Misty entered the clinic, tea in her hand, fumbling with her long sleeve. She looked distraught, had heavy bags under her eyes. Johnny knew she lost her  boyfriend, and she didn’t want her to lose V too. 

“Kerry was in Watson. I... I had him,  y’know . V wouldn’t listen to me for weeks but yesterday I finally got him to talk to Kerry. It went all so quick. Choom got a new bodyguard, probably either didn’t recognize V or didn’t care  ‘cause when he chased after Kerry this big ape of a man just stabbed right through him. When V fell  unconscious, everything turned  black, and I awoke in his body a few minutes later. And that’s when I called. I swear, I didn’t do a thing.”

“Yeah, we know you didn’t cause V wasn’t visiting us as promised.”

“I tried, Viktor!”, screamed Johnny, but not out of anger, no, out of pure frustration. “I  fucking tried, you have to believe me!”

“Shh.” 

Misty placed her hand on Johnnys, giving Vik a sharp look. She mouthed a “be kind, for V” before turning her attention to the wounded man. "We know you did everything you could to help V."

_ Did _ _... ? _ Johnny looked at her, a thousand questions forming in his head.  _ What did they know? Where was V? Was it too late? Was he lost? Had he failed?  _

"What about V?" 

His gaze wandered to Vik, who just shook his head.

"We don't know, Johnny, any more than you do. We can't get a response from his brain. I ran some new scans. Of course, since he's stopped taking his pills, your engram has had a free run and done full work."

"Talk English to me, please, I don't understand this Gibberish."

Misty smirked briefly. 

"I'll just show you, that's easiest." 

Vik got up from his chair and picked up a tablet that was lying on one of his tables. He slid a few pictures back and forth and sat back down with Johnny. 

"Here. This is V's brain. The hole there, that's where the bullet had entered. This is you... your engram. The red tissue has already been assimilated by the nanites. The white is V's."

Johnny examined the scan. His eyes no longer glittered; Vik had probably passed him in general. At least there was that. 

"Vik, I can barely see anything white."

"Yep," he sighed. "That's the problem. V, he's... he's kind of already gone."

Johnny held his breath. He was speechless. Johnny fucking  Silverhand was speechless. He had failed, all the way. He had promised V he would save  him, he had promised Kerry...  _ oh God, how was he going to break this to Kerry? _ He couldn't understand how this could happen. There was no way he was going to stay in Night City after all this. His guilt was eating him up already. 

"Hey," Vik snapped before his eyes. "Stay here  Silverhand . All is not lost yet."

Johnny looked up. He was struggling to hold back the tears. Not only had he changed V, but it was also all mutual. For the first time in Johnny's life, he felt bad for letting a person he had liked.... fuck, that he loved, get killed. And once again, it was his fault. 

"How can you say that? You showed me the scan a minute ago, he’s gone."

"He's almost gone, there's a difference."

"Huge difference. We haven't found a solution yet and now you think we might have an ace up our sleeve?"

"I'd say we should at least fight for it as long as we can, right? You said you had him back to the point where he wanted to talk to Kerry. That's the most progress we've made in three weeks."

Johnny just nodded in agreement. He had nothing left to lose anyway.

“You should rest a bit Silverhand. At least today. Then we’ll look for further clues, okay?”

“Yeah. Sure. ‘s not like we’re running out of time or anything”, he huffed sarcastically.

“You already got a lead?”

“Might.”

Vik stood up, not wanting to question him any further. He was exhausted enough as it was. 

“Vik, before you go. Tell me... how much time does he have left?”

Vik sighed, looking at the scans again. He knitted his brows, looking not too happy. 

“Well... I’d say, 2 weeks. If we’re being generous.”

_ 2 weeks. Okay. 2 Weeks to save his best friend. _ That was a lot to take in for now. Vik left the room a few minutes later, leaving Johnny with Misty. She grabbed his chair and rolled towards Johnny. 

“Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Sure, go ahead. Not that I’m in the place to stand up and run away from you”, Johnny smirked. 

“It’s about V. And Jackie.  Y’know , his-”

“I’ve seen his memories. I know who Jackie was and how much his loss hurt him. Hurt you both. No need to dig that up again, rest assured.”

Misty sighed in relief. She didn’t want to go over this again, but she would’ve done it for Johnny. And for V. 

“ So it’s... it’s more about me then actually. V is family you know. I”, she played with her fishnets and bit her lip. “I don’t  wanna lose him. I’m not angry at you for killing him,  y’know , you don’t have a choice. Not like you wanted to be planted in somebody's head in the first place. I know Vik doesn’t see it, but it’s eating you up. And I  wanna thank you, that you try everything to help him, even if it seems hopeless by now. If I can help in anyway, I will. I’m not good at shooting, or fighting, or-”

“Misty”, Johnny grabbed her hand gently. “You’re doing more than enough. I don’t want to spill more blood than necessary. You’re always there for V, always having his back. Believe me, you’re just doing fine.”

Misty nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks. She was so afraid of losing yet another one of her family. Johnny pondered if he should wipe them away but decided against it. That would have been weird he told himself. Misty got up, rubbed her arms and nodded his way. 

“Have a good night. I feel like the next 2 weeks will be hell.”

“I feel like that too. Sleep well.”

***

Johnny tossed and turned all night, couldn’t really get any rest. His mind wandering between Kerry and V and how he should’ve done more. Waking up several times drenched in sweat. He couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t wait. He had an idea, maybe a lead and he needed to follow it immediately. He jumped out of bed with a grunt, still hurting all over. He grabbed his pants and shirt, put on his boots and searched for Archangel. The silver-golden gun was laying in one of Vik’s cabinets, carefully hidden from preying eyes. He took it, eyeing it shortly. It was so beautiful. V always said it reminded him of Kerry, gold like his cybernetics, silver like his hair and dangerous. He put it in the back of his pants, put on a coat and made his way out. Vik would be fuming but Johnny didn’t care. The midnight wind was chilling, making him shiver. The walk wasn’t far from Viks, maybe half an hour. It was good to feel the fresh air in his face. He just hoped she wouldn’t jump at him the second he  revealed himself. 

Johnny entered a not so large building in the outer skirts of Watson. It was more on the high society side than that mega block V was living in. He walked the floors, looking for the correct number on the wall. Taking a deep  breath he knocked, waiting for something to happen. Several minutes passed and nobody opened, maybe she wasn’t home. Just the second he wanted to turn around and go the door opened. 

She eyed him for a second, knowing already what awaited her.

“Johnny.”

“Rogue.”

Silence.

“Come in.”


	12. You're Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mood in Rogue's apartment was depressed. The light was dimmed, a green-blue glow lay over everything. The woman had always liked it darker, Johnny remembered that clearly. It had been no different in the past. Her apartment seemed almost like a mini version of the Afterlife. A small bar, which was attached to the wall to the right of the entrance, was full of alcohol bottles, many empty, but many not even touched, even slowly gathering dust. She also had a shrine here with old Samurai memorabilia, but different than in the Afterlife: photos of her and Johnny, her and Kerry - luckily V wasn't here - with Denny and Nancy.

The mood in Rogue's apartment was depressed. The light was dimmed, a green-blue glow lay over everything. The woman had always liked it darker, Johnny remembered that clearly. It had been no different in the past. Her apartment seemed almost like a mini version of the Afterlife. A small bar, which was attached to the wall to the right of the entrance, was full of alcohol bottles, many empty, but many not even touched, even slowly gathering dust. She also had a shrine here with old Samurai memorabilia, but different than in the Afterlife: photos of her and Johnny, her and Kerry - luckily V wasn't here - with Denny and Nancy. None with Henry, who  was too weird for her taste even then. Some old records signed by the whole band. Even an old CD that Kerry and Johnny had recorded when it was just the two of them. A necklace Johnny had given her once when they were a couple. Memories flooded over him; he regretted many things he had done over 50 years ago. Letting Rogue go was one of them. His gaze wandered through the rest of the apartment. He'd imagined it a little bigger, a little more  opulent , but the apartment was at most a few square feet bigger than V's apartment in Watson. Couldn't she afford anything bigger? Or didn't she want anything bigger?

"I can see it on your face Johnny, spit it out."

He looked at her and tilted his head a little.

"I would have thought the Queen of the Afterlife would have had a.... House at least. Or a whole floor."

Rogue gave a short disdainful laugh and shook her head.

"Johnny, it's not like I can't afford it." 

She walked over to the bar and pulled out two glasses, setting them on the table and turning to the dozens of whiskey bottles. 

"But I don't want anything bigger. I'm on my own, I'm on the road a lot. I like it here. It's cozy, it's small. I have a guest room in case my son comes to visit."

"Your... Son?"

"I don't talk about him. Or his father." She glared at Johnny for a moment. He swallowed.  _ Was he the father? How old was this son? _

"No Johnny, it wasn't you. Don't worry. I'm not slipping you a brat. He's over 30, but not over 50."

_ Like Kerry's kids _ . Johnny hadn't heard anything good about his kids, or his ex-wife. He just hoped it was different with Rogue.  _ Fuck, he really had missed our these last years. _

"You're not here to talk about my past, are you? I'd be surprised if Johnny Silverhand would be interested." 

She picked up a bottle and opened it, poured them both a shot of whiskey, and stalked to the freezer. She pulled out some marble ice cubes and carefully tossed them into the glasses. 

"No real ice, it just waters down the flavor."

_ The woman had taste. _ Now Johnny only regretted his actions even more. 

"Sit down, there."

She pointed to a roundish couch, which was half-sunk into the floor. Johnny carefully walked over and dropped down. It was softer than it looked, he had to admit. He took one of the glasses from Rogue's hand, swirled it briefly, smelled it, and took a sip.

"How old is this?"

"Older than both of us. You looked like you could use it."

Johnny just nodded, holding the glass with both hands, turning it as he sank into thought, watching the brownish liquid nestle against the grayish-white cubes. 

"Johnny. Why are you here? Where's V?"

Johnny took a deep breath and excreted the rest of the whiskey.

"I see, so it was really necessary. So necessary that you came all the way to my place."

She sat down beside him, her leg pressing lightly against his. If this were any other moment, any other time, he would have grabbed her and been all over her. But after their botched date a few weeks ago and the fact that one of his best friends was about to disappear forever, Johnny couldn't make another move in her direction. Rogue noticed his uncertainty, something completely unfamiliar to her.  _ Johnny thoughtful? Upset? _ The last time she’d seen something like that, it was about Alt. She was not well disposed towards the woman, after all, he had cheated on Rogue with her (and a few others). This time, though, it wasn't about her, and that only made Rogue more skeptical. 

"Johnny, my question. Where is V?", she pressed.

She sipped gingerly at the glass before setting it on the small table in front of her.

"V er... he's still here, I think." Johnny tapped his temple. "I hope."

"You hope?"

Johnny bit his lip. He had to explain it to her somehow, she had to have some idea how to save him.  _ If not her, then who?  _ At least maybe a contact, something. Johnny would do anything to save V. Even blow up  Arasaka one more time and get himself killed.  _ However _ , he thought,  _ that would be suboptimal, because this body in which who was  _ _ was _ _ still needed. _

"It's just... you know, Rogue, it's a really long story. And I don't know if we even have the time for that anymore. I ran away from Vik, V's ripper. He patched me up after I got stabbed by Kerry's bodyguard a few days ago."

"Wait, wait, what? You got what now?"

"Long story, that's what I'm saying. Our little V dated Kerry, but-"

"Wait, hold on. That's why Kerry was trying to reach me? He's fucking V?"

"He's not screwing him Rogue. Well... not only, but that's not the issue. They're a couple, something serious, engaged even."

"You're kidding."

"Nope, I swear, all true."

Rogue brushed her hair back. This was indeed news to her, and she was usually the one who heard it first. Well, V never talked about his private life and Kerry, as a celebrity, also tried to keep everything outside of music out of the public eye as much as possible. After his more than messy divorce 25 years ago in any case. Rogue remembered it well, she had gotten him a lawyer. He couldn't stop Louise from pocketing over half of their joint property, but at least he was rid of her and the unwanted children. 

"So V is engaged to our Kerry."

Johnny nodded, pursing his lips briefly. Hearing that come out of her mouth somehow made the whole thing more real. Worse. 

"That's not the point either.  It's about V.  He's done many, many stupid things the last few weeks and now.... now he doesn't have much time left."

"What do you mean by 'not much left'?"

"Vik said two weeks, if we're being generous."

Rogue swallowed. She'd never admit it, but V had kind of grown on her. That little shit just had charisma.... just like Johnny. The two of them had been alike even before they were squeezed into one brain together. Greater than life, that was their motto. Fuck, V decided to walk into  Konpeki Plaza and steal a fucking chip from the living room of the  Arasaka family. All by himself. That screamed ‘shit that usually only Johnny would pull’. Maybe that's why she took an instant liking to the young man. 

"Two weeks. And what am I supposed to do now? What's your plan Johnny?"

"I want to save him."

Rogue eyed her old friend. She had never seen Johnny like this. So exhausted, so beaten, distraught... So hopeless. Even when they had tried to save Alt, lying motionless in his arms, even then he still had the fire in him. But now? He was desperate. That was the word Rogue had been searching for. Johnny  Silverhand , desperate. 

"I have to save him Rogue. The boy doesn't deserve all this. I feel guilty."

"You're not guilty of this, though."

"Yes, I am!"

Rogue winced for a moment. She knew Johnny's moods, but hearing them through V's voice and body was something else again. Johnny's voice was rough, worn from alcohol, drugs, and singing. V's, on the other hand... seemed almost unused. V wasn't yelling, he was talking. He was smart, had a silver tongue as some said. Settled problems with words rather than knives. It wasn't quite true either, but IF he ever had to let his fists do the talking, he was more skilled than Johnny. As a Merc, that' s what he should be. 

"If I... god fuck Rogue...", Johnny stammered. "If I hadn't decided to blow up that fucking tower fifty years ago, if I hadn't gotten killed in the process, if they hadn't put me in that prison called Soul Killer... then V would be out there walking around, free of problems. Along with his best friend, who he only lost because they were supposed to steal ME. Fuck, everything here, all of this is my fault Rogue!"

"Johnny," she put her hand on his lap and waited a moment to see if he would swat it away. When nothing came, she continued to talk gently. 

"It won't do you any good to worry about whether it's your fault or not. Blame yourself if it helps you, but it doesn't help V. We have to find a way to separate him and you."

Johnny played with the rings on his - _ V's _ \- fingers and nodded. The rings Kerry had given V. He never took them off, not when fighting, not when showering, not when sleeping. Never. They were already scratched, pieces missing from some corners, but V had refused. What Kerry gifted him was sacred to him. 

"So, Johnny. What do you have in mind?"

"I wouldn't be here if I had a concrete plan, would I?"

Rogue snorted. 

"True enough."

She poured herself and him another glass. 

"It's going to be a long night, Silverhand. Start the story from the beginning and then I'll see what I can do."

She leaned back and draped her arm over the back of the couch as she looked at Johnny expectantly. He only huffed briefly before taking the glass and leaning back as well. He had to go far out on a limb, because Rogue had hardly noticed any of the drama of the last few weeks. The only time she had contacted him was when V was at the wheel. And  so Johnny began to recount everything, starting with the fight at Kerry's mansion. 

***

Rogue ruffled her hair and shook her head. That was a lot to wrap up. The poor kid had been through more at 27 than she had at 80-plus, that much was certain. She chewed her lip thoughtfully. There weren't many options, they both knew. Johnny looked at her expectantly. 

"I can't work miracles Johnny."

"I know, I just thought.... maybe there was no point in coming over either."

_ God, _ _ how could this man be so down on himself. _

"No, don’t say that. I'll do everything I can to help you I promise. Besides, it's good to know that V might not be coming back. Then I'll have to go back to Afterlife."

Johnny gulped at the last sentence. The likelihood of him not coming back was much higher than anything else and that scared him. 

"We can only hope for the best."

"We can. You really have no ideas?"

"Let me think for two minutes. I feel like you just told me half the kid's life story."

"That was just the last 3 weeks." 

"Bad enough."

"He always said he wanted to play in the big leagues. He and his best friend wanted that."

"Well, he does. I let him have the Afterlife, how much bigger does he want to go?"

"No I think... I think he was more than happy with what he had accomplished. He should have just been able to enjoy it for longer than a week. Before all... this shit happened here."

Johnny waved his arms around briefly, pointing at nothing and everything at once. Rogue nodded in agreement and looked thoughtfully around her  apartment . Her eyes wandered to every little corner, as if she was looking for something and couldn't find it.

“You know, Johnny. Might have an idea.”

“Looking and you, I guess I won’t like it.”

“I’m sure you will pretty much hate it.”

“Spit it out, ‘s not like there’s any chances left.”

“The people who made the chip.”

“Hm. Arasaka you mean.”

“Yeah. I think...”

“I’ll stop you right here.”

Johnny looked at her, his eyebrows knitting together as the anger in him was rising.

“You don’t mean to tell me to ask fucking  Arasaka for help.”

“Well...”

“What exactly are you expecting me to say? Hey boys, it’s me Johnny  Silverhand . Dead for 50 fucking years? Thought so but looks like I played you once again. Big fucking surprise.  Oh by the way, my friend, you know, the one whose fucking body I’m currently living in, is dying because of the fucking chip inside his head. You know, the chip YOU PUT MY FUCKING MIND ON 50 YEARS AGO. And I  kinda wanna save him, although he was the one who stole the chip in the first place and  kinda is responsible for Saburo  Arasakas death. Just wanted to check in if you might be able to kill me for good this time so this little  klepto punk here can live happily ever after. Sounds good for y’all? Preem.” Johnny sighed angrily. “Perfect fucking plan you have there, Rogue.”

Rogue stifled a laugh. She didn’t want to upset Johnny further but the way he said all this gave her some good old flashbacks. And the fact that he really cared about that kid made er grin too. 

“I don’t mean for you to walk into  Arasaka HQ and say hi you  fucking gonk. I might have a contact for you. Someone to help you out, get you to the right people without the... hassle.”

“Fuck Rogue.  Arasaka of all things?”

“Any better idea?”

“No”, Johnny muttered. 

“Great. Get to bed, I’ll hit the contact up and wake you in the morning to give you the coordinates.”

Johnny stood up, a bit shaking from the fresh wound in his stomach and the alcohol. Vik would be upset to find his bed empty. He’d better not answer the  Holo for the next few days. Rogue made her way to the other side of the apartment and opened the door to the guest room. 

“Sleep, please. You’ll need it. 

“Thank you Rogue.”

“Always.”

She closed the door, letting Johnny alone with his thoughts. He got rid of his shoes and pants, then his shirt. Sleeping in a comfortable, big bed again was something new for him. The bed in the No Tell Motel was rather bad than right and V's bunk was no 5* bed either. He closed his eyes and tried not to think that he or V would die soon. Or both. At least for one night. 

***

Rogue knocked the next morning, the smell of synthetic eggs and bread permeated the apartment. 

"Rise and shine Johnny, it's time. Contact wants to see you in an hour."

Johnny groaned, sat down and stretched his arms. Fuck, everything hurt him. He looked down at himself, the stitches were still intact. Something, at least. He grabbed his clothes and threw them on quickly before he got out to Rogue. She had opened the blinds, unusually bright sunlight was coming in. Her apartment was bigger than it had looked last night, after all. Sparsely furnished, as he'd expected from her, but hey, who was he to judge? He sat down at the round table, on which was a plate with scrambled eggs and bread, as well as a coffee. 

"I'll ping you the location."

"Who am I meeting?"

"You'll see." 

Her eyes lit up blue as she sent him all the important info. Johnny looked at the coordinates for a moment. City Center, huh. Near Corpo Plaza. He didn't have a good feeling about it, but he trusted Rogue. Hopefully she wouldn't let him run into the knife. 

The two talked for a while longer, until Rogue suddenly stood up and covered the table. 

"You've got to go Johnny. We're running out of time. And I've got to go too, to the Afterlife. And maybe I'll check on Kerry later."

"No," he blurted out.

"What?"

"Please... don't tell Kerry. If he calls, you haven't seen V. I don’t want to... disappoint him, okay? You can tell him if we won’t make it."

Rogue nodded in disgust. 

"Okay. Promise. Make sure you get him back. I can't listen to Kerry whine for the next fifty years."

Johnny smirked briefly before taking his jacket. He hugged Rogue, who stood there a little perplexed, before he disappeared outside. She waited a few minutes before walking after him, checking if he was gone. She was worried, for him, for V, for Kerry. It seemed like  all of her old friends were slowly falling apart and she was afraid to lose them. Or herself. 

The walk to City Center was a bit farther than he had expected. Walking did him good, even if his legs were starting to hurt more and more. The weather got rough over the last few days. The climate change really hit Night City hard, then again, every other country in this world was suffering under these circumstances. He looked at his HUD and checked the time.

_ Fuck, 15 minutes late already, I hope this guy isn't nitpicking _ . He turned onto Corpo Plaza and approached a bench where a man was sitting. That was the exact location Rogue had pinged him, so that had to be his contact. Before Johnny even got to the bench properly, the man stood up and looked at him piercingly. Johnny froze.  THat couldn’t be. He was dead. Or so Johnny had thought. 

"Takemura."

Johnny tried to hide his surprise.

"Johnny. You're late."


	13. We Need To Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takemura bit into his burger. He sat across from Johnny at the diner where he had met V a few weeks prior. Some documentary was playing on the TV, the people around them were talking happily away, unaware of the danger posed by the two men. Or they just ignored them, like everything else in Night City. If you're smart, you just don't mess with anyone, no matter how unassuming they may look. Johnny kept a close eye on his surroundings, Takemura even closer. The man in front of him was supposed to be dead, murdered when they were with Hanako.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included some additional stuff from the pnp lore. It might not line up entirely with the 2077 lore but I really enjoy the pnp.   
> Also, the tags will be updated after the next chapter, so look out for that!

"I can't believe this is all happening right now."

"You should , Johnny."

Takemura bit into his burger. He sat across from Johnny at the diner where he had met V a few weeks prior. Some documentary was playing on the TV, the people around them were talking happily away, unaware of the danger posed by the two men. Or they just ignored them, like everything else in Night City. If you're smart, you just don't mess with anyone, no matter how unassuming they may look. Johnny kept a close eye on his surroundings, Takemura even closer. The man in front of him was supposed to be dead, murdered when they were with Hanako. Johnny remembered well how the whole house blew up and V had fled.  _ Wait a minute... _ V had gone back; he had said he couldn't leave Takemura behind. Johnny had tried to stop him and from then on... everything went black.  _ The little bastard had taken Blockers and saved Takemura, unbelievable.  _

Takemura bit into his burger again with relish. He seemed unaffected by everything that had happened recently. Or he was good at hiding it. Johnny was getting more nervous, more impatient.  _ Why had Rogue contacted Takemura, of all people?  _ He shook his head. 

"Don't worry about it, Silverhand. I have no interest in working with you either."

Johnny looked up and momentarily scrunched up his face.

"Then why are you doing it?"

"I'm deeply in V's debt. He saved my life when he didn't have to. It's the least I can do to give him the same honor."

Johnny snorted.

"You and your honor. That should have been your death, not just once."

"It's the principles that set us apart. I don't expect you to understand my choices.  So if I understood correctly, you don't want to accept my help."

Johnny lowered his head and looked at his untouched burger. He gritted his teeth.  _ Takemura of all people,  _ _ Rogue _ _ I’ll ma _ _ ke you pay for that. _

"I don't have much choice, I guess."

"I think you're right about that. You should eat, Johnny. You need to take care of V’s body for him. When he comes  back, he will need it.”

“If”, Johnny corrected him bitterly. 

“If”, agreed Takemura, not being as stoic has Johnny remembered him. It was this curse that V was carrying with him. He either scared people shitless or made them feel welcome around him. He had the same charisma as Johnny, but in a positive way. People were attracted to him, like flies to a lamp in the dark and he made them all feel loved around him, respected. They liked V, in a way nobody ever liked Johnny. And sometimes he got jealous of that. Considering how he was now basically living in the young man’s body and  _ still _ nobody seemed to actually like him it really had to be his shitty personality. Although, some, like Misty and even Rogue, seemed like they were picking up on the fact that even Johnny Silverhand got tamer around V. 

“So, big Japanese man. What exactly is your plan?”

Takemura looked at him, his expression unreadable. He probably didn’t like the way Johnny talked to him, which was fair at this point. He had always talked about his honor and respect and the principles he was following. Neither Johnny nor V understood any of it, but V at least respected his views. Like he respected most people. Johnny on the other hand never respected anyone but himself and that bit back a lot of times lately.  _ He has best intentions Johnny, just try to be fucking nice for once,  _ he imagined V telling him. To this day Johnny hadn’t figure out how V wasn’t already dead in some fucking gutter as he was way too nice and oblivious all the time. Then again, he  _ had been  _ dead once already, no surprise here, and he was dying again. That kid just gravitated around shit like this. 

“I would appreciate if you would call me by my name, Johnny”, Takemura huffed, looking not really amused. 

Johnny grinned and nodded. 

“Okay,  _ Takemura” _ , he stretched the last syllable painfully long just to annoy the man. Takemura rolled his eyes. It would be a pain, both of them knew that but they needed to get their shit together to achieve their one main goal. “Let’s hear that plan of yours.”

“Well, obviously, you will need help from  Arasaka . That is why that Rogue woman sent you my contacts.”

“I figured as much.”

"We already had contact with Hellman, the both of us. He was... rather unhelpful to say the least.”

“You  interrogated him once V and I left. What happened between you two?”

Takemura sighed, looking like h was not willing to talk about that matter. Johnny wanted to press further but there was no need. 

“It hadn’t to do anything about that chip of yours, I promise. It was about  Yorinobu and his father.”

“You tried to get back into Arasaka right?”

“I did. And I failed as you can see. I have been working as a Solo in the city for the last few  weeks, but my clients are very limited. They are careful and not trusting me.”

“Can’t blame ‘em.”

“I know. I would probably don’t trust me either. Which is another thing why I want to help you get your friend back.”

“You say?”

“He’s an ex  Arasaka employee. He is probably the only one who understands me a little bit.”

“I doubt that.”

“He saved me.”

“Because he’s like a fucking puppy. Saves everyone and everything, disregarding his own life. He’s a big fucking idiot,  _ that _ is V.”

Takemura only blinked, slightly taken aback by his sudden change of demeanor. He wasn’t used to Johnny’s random outbursts, but he was a calm man through and through. That at least would be helpful.

“I see now. You really care about that kid.”

“Oh, fuck this!”

Johnny threw his arms in the air and stood up. 

“Fuck this, fuck you, fuck Arasaka!”

All eyes on him. People turned; a silence fell over the diner that seemed to swallow it whole. Johnny looked around. He never bothered to be in the center of attention but right now it was too much for him. He grabbed his jacket and stormed out, pulling out his pack of cigarettes in the process. He just wanted to get away, this was just a fucking stupid idea.  _ Who would’ve thought? _ , he snorted. He aimlessly walked through Corpo Plaza, trying to find somewhere to go until a firm hand pulled him on his shoulder and turned him around. Takemura had followed him. 

“It is easy to run away, Johnny. And I know how hard it is to do the right thing. But you know what to do, as much as I do. And we need to work together to help your friend, even if we don’t want to. This is not about us; this is about the greater good.”

Johnny wanted to punch him but the same time he knew he was right. There was just so much anger and frustration stored inside him and no way to let it out. He took a sharp breath, closing his eyes.  _ This is about V. This is about Kerry. This is not about us right now.  _ He nodded. 

“Let’s go somewhere more private, please.”

“Follow me, my friend.”

Takemura went ahead in a grueling pace, Johnny nearly jogging after him. He turned a few times until he stopped in front of an abandoned building, opening the door with a loud squeak and waving Johnny to come inside. It was eerie. An old industrial building, but not as rotten on the inside as one would assume from just looking at the outside. It even had power, as it seemed. Johnny was quick to notice that the two of them were not alone. There were people living inside here. Something told him to just flee but he had to defy that gut feeling and try to trust Takemura if he wanted to save V. They made their way through the building into one of the back rooms. Johnny went in first, after Takemura insisted so, and sat down on one of the benches carelessly placed in the middle of the room. Takemura closed the door silently, then locked it. Johnnys gut feeling gut worse. The room was only dimly lit, grey- ish green from at least a dozen monitors around them. There didn’t seem to be another light source. He heard a slow beeping noise that ground his gears somehow.  _ Was he getting afraid? No. No way. _

“No need to be frightened, Johnny”, Takemura said, plopping down on one of the other benches directly opposed to Johnny. “This room is the only one in the building that can be locked. That is the only reason we are in here. I feel like the plan we are about to discuss is nothing for the ears of the normal folks outside.”

Takemura really had changed Johnny noted. He seemed more relaxed, didn’t phrase his sentences so carefully as he did the last time they met. The life of a Solo in Night City really got to him. Johnny  actually welcomed this change in behavior. It made Takemura more... human, in a weird kind of way. He fumbled with the rings, leaning on his legs, looking up to Takemura. 

“I am listening.”

“First of, we need to get into  Arasaka . And I would appreciate if that wouldn’t contain any unnecessary killing or blowing up the whole tower.”

Johnny smirked. He might have died back then but he surely left a terrible deep wound within  Arasaka . Takemura just raised an eyebrow. 

“Don’t flatter yourself. Nobody outside of  Arasaka knows that it was you who’d blown up the tower. And even within it’s just the people on top.”

“Don’t mind. The right people are afraid of me.”

“And the rest doesn’t like you anyway.”

That stung. He shook his  head; the bun V was always wearing starting to hurt. He didn’t even know why he picked up the habit to put his hair in a top bun, when V wasn’t even the one sitting in the front seat. It  kinda just looked better on him Johnny guessed. 

“Can we finally talk about that plan of yours?”

“Sure, I am just waiting for you to cool down.”

“Wait another century maybe. Just get over with it.”

Johnny had awaited at least _ some _ kind of reaction. V would have probably rolled his eyes and smirked, Kerry would have huffed, Alt would probably have slapped him or something. But Takemura just looked at him. Johnny had never seen any emotional outburst from him, except for when they met Hanako. And when he begged V to not kill Oda, out of honor. V didn’t kill him. Some would think V might be the worst merc to wander this earth. He was just special, in a very, very positive way. 

“I see why it is hard to work with you. I will explain my plan to you, are you willing to listen without interruption?”

“I will try, but I can’t promise.”

“That must do”, Takemura said carefully. He pressed his lips together, forming a thin line, before slouching forward and resting his arms on his legs.

“Ever heard of  Mikoshi ? Well, surely you have, that chip in that kid's his heavily linked to them. I am sure you both did extensive research on the company.”

Johnny remembered his meeting with Alt in Cyberspace. It was more like a dream he couldn’t quite remember. He nodded carefully, earning a slight surprised look from Takemura.

“Maybe it would be better to get more into detail then.” He huffed and sat up straight, looking directly at him. His white eyes piercing through Johnnys - V’s - black ones. “ Mikoshi is a data center, a facility deep under every major  Arasaka HQ in the world. One of these facilities can be found here, in Night City. It holds the digitized personalities of clients who decided to be part of the so called ‘Secure Your Soul’ program. It is, basically, a program that creates a copy of your personality and stores it in order to grant immortality to said client. Of course, this isn’t the only use. It also holds all the personalities of the people who were captured by ‘Soulkiller’”

“The program my girlfriend wrote”, Johnny muttered.

“Correct. She was the first one to be captured with it. At that time something like  Mikoshi didn’t exist. She was trapped in the Intranet of  Arasaka , until she was able to flee behind the Black Wall in the 4 th corporate war. I am sure you remember that very well.”

“Partially.”

“She fled and built New Hong Kong for all the lost souls who wandered to the  net. Her own regime behind the Black Wall so to say.”

“But we are not here to talk about my ex, are we?”

“No, I am sorry. Back to topic. We are talking about  Mikoshi . But  Altiera is still an integral part of it. There might be a way to separate the both of you. I can’t tell you how it all works as this is  definitely not my  expertise, but I know that you need to get into  Mikoshi and meet Alt to do so. And I will be of assistance to get you into there.”

“Wait a sec, you’re telling me I should actually walk into  Arasaka HQ and go on a date with my ex?”

“This is theoretically what I am telling you. Practically this will not be so easy”

“Who would’ve guessed. Why are we doing this though? Can’t we just, I don’t know, contact Alt like V and I did when we worked for the  Vodoo Boys? Why this?”

“Because she will need the technology inside of  Mikoshi to separate you. As I said, this is not my  expertise but I am clever enough to know that getting rid of nanites in  someone's brain can’t be done in an ice bath in Pacifica.”

Johnny snorted. He was right, maybe his brain was also deteriorating slowly. 

“To get inside of  Mikoshi you will need to infiltrate  Arasaka . Only certain personnel will be allowed inside. You will need an access card just to enter and a permit number that is only issued by the acting head of the  Arasaka Research Operations. Most of the people working for  Arasaka don’t even know about  Mikoshis existence.”

“How do you know?”

“I was the bodyguard of the head of the company, have you already forgotten? I have sworn not to listen when they were talking but even a man of honor sometimes slips in his beliefs.”

Johnny grinned.  So there  _ was _ some fire inside of Takemura. He liked that side of the older man. Takemura looked certain, serious even. His neck transplant reflecting the light from the monitors, his face half covered in shadows. He looked old, worn out but full of determination. 

“I will get you access to Mikoshi.”

“ Ain’t that dangerous? Like, you are wanted by Arasaka, it’s not like you can walk in there anymore.”

“I have my contacts; I will not concern you with the ‘how’. I will let you know as soon as I have the access. Please allow me a few days to get everything sorted out.”

“Just to sum it up, your plan is to get into  Arasaka , chip in to  Mikoshi , contact Alt and get us separated. Correct? And no insurance on the how and if it works.”

“That is correct.”

“Well...”, Johnny sighed in defeat. “I guess this might be our last chance. You know how to contact me.”

“Take care, Johnny. I will try my best to help you.”

“Thank you. I guess.”

Johnny stood up and watched as Takemura as well got off his seat to  open up the door for him. Johnny made a fast exit out of the door and the building onto the busy street. His heart was racing. He tried to keep his calm while talking to Takemura, but it was too much, even for him. Johnny knew that Takemura was risking his live for V. Johnny was also risking his. The kid though... he was worth it. And for Johnny especially, since he wanted to see Kerry happy too. He lit a cigarette to calm his nerves, trying not to think about the inevitable.  _ What would it mean to separate them? Would one live and one die? Would they both survive?  _ Their future was uncertain, but it was the only way. 

He thought about taking a Del, but he figured that walking would do him good. He wandered the streets of Night City. The conversation with Takemura felt like it took  days, but it was just about 2 hours at max. And now he had to wait. Wait for him to call, wait for something to happen. He hated waiting, not being able to take matters into his own hands. Who knows how much time he had left; they both had  left. Maybe he should call Vik and Misty. At least Vik had tried a couple of times already, but he would probably kill Johnny through the  Holo just for leaving last night. Judy was probably also worried shitless, maybe he should at least send her text. He shook his head.  _ Maybe it was better not to tell anyone. _

He went to V’s apartment with the intention of getting some rest when a sudden wave of guilt washed over him. He knew what he had to do, stopping in his tracks immediately. Instead of taking the elevator a few levels up, he pressed down to the garage. His eyes accommodated to the dim light relatively quickly, searching for one of V’s cars. He shouldn’t take the Quadra, that would be too noticeable. He opted for his own car, the Porsche 911 Turbo. A beautiful car indeed. He sat behind the weel, carefully touching the leather with his synthetic fingers, breathing in the smell of nostalgia and adventure. A lot had happened in this car, a lot he regretted and a lot more he enjoyed. He started the engine and rolled out of the garage, heading for the outer part of the city, barely noticing the traffic around him. He might  had some near misses with people who jaywalked and barely scratched the sidewalk when flying through the streets. 

His heart was beating out of his chest. He didn’t want to do this, but he knew he had to. The sun was setting already, the walk back from Corpo Plaza to  Megablock 10 had been long and the drive now not much shorter. The sky was clouded in red from the last rays of sunshine as Johnny passed the ‘North Oak’ sign. He had to admit that he was afraid of seeing him, Kerry. He didn’t know how he would react. But there was no way Johnny wouldn’t let his best friend know. V wouldn’t want it, but Kerry would. He took a deep breath when he halted in front of the Gate with the large golden Samurai logo. He knew the pin, of course. Kerry had told V and Johnny had access to V’s memories. He put it in and slowly rolled onto the premise, nearly destroying one of the flamingos. Inside of the mansion was light, that was a good sign. Kerry was still alive and probably awake. Not that he cared, if he had rolled down here at 3 in the morning Kerry would’ve still opened the door. Johnny stopped the car and hopped out, letting the door fall shut behind him reluctantly. He bit his lip trying to shake of this nervous feeling. He needed to get the facts straight, fast. Kerry needed to understand the dire situation. 

He made his way to the front door, hand already outstretched to knock, when the door opened in front of him. He could hear Kerry mutter. 

“I fucking swear, if this is ab-”

Johnny looked at the man in front of him who suddenly stopped talking, swallowing hard. He looked awful, unhappy. Like he knew something bad was going to happen. The way he looked at Johnny, he knew that something was off. 

“Kerry. We need to talk.”


	14. Welcome Home Babe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny nodded, eyeing his friend. Kerry held his hand in front of his mouth, eyes wide open. It was only a matter of seconds until Kerry was sobbing. Hard. He buried his face in his hands, letting out a heart wrenching cry. Johnny couldn’t be mad at him for long, seeing how the news broke his best friend down to the core. He had a hard time breathing from holding back his own tears. Kerry's sobbing was uncontrolled and messy, and the way Johnny saw it not the first time in the last three weeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end of this story guys.   
> There will be a lot of angst from the chapter 16 on and the tags will change. 
> 
> Look forward to it <3

NOW, KERRY’S MANSION

Johnny had entered Kerry’s mansion and sat on the couch with him. He  hadn’t told him yet that he indeed  wasn’t V. Seeing Kerry’s small glimmer of hope in his eyes wanted him to throw up. He was afraid. But besides that, Johnny also felt an anger rising in his chest. Seeing how this man was sitting here for weeks while V was quite literally fighting for his life. He shook his head. 

Kerry had given him a glass of whisky. He downed it one, being thankful that Kerry instinctively chose alcohol over talking. That at least eased the tension between them, even for just a little bit. He looked at Kerry who admittedly looked miserable too. No words were spoken since  they’ve sat down, and the silence was laying heavy on them. The anger in  Johnnys chest finally bubbling over. 

“He gave up. And it’s your fault.”

His voice came through like a tornado sweeping away a house, dim, dark. Full of hurt and anger. Of everything Johnny had stored inside him for the last 3 weeks that he had tried to save his friends life. Kerry looked at him, taken aback by the words he just heard. His face expressing concern, fear. Hurt. 

“Johnny?”,  Kerry's voice more a whimper than anything else. 

Johnny nodded, eyeing his friend. Kerry held his hand in front of his mouth, eyes wide open. It was only a matter of seconds until Kerry was sobbing. Hard. He buried his face in his hands, letting out a heart wrenching cry. Johnny couldn’t be mad at him for long, seeing how the news broke his best friend down to the core. He had a hard time breathing from holding back his own tears.  Kerry's sobbing was uncontrolled and messy, and the way Johnny saw it not the first time in the last three weeks. 

“Johnny, is he... god, is...”

“I don’t know. I honest to god don’t know Ker.”

Kerry nodded, trying to calm himself but it had no use. The tears were rolling and rolling one after another. Johnny put a hand on his lap but was greeted with Kerry pushing it away  immediately . 

“Please don’t. Not when... I can’t...”

Johnny understood. It was V’s body but not V’s mind. Initially he had thought Kerry was just interested in V because he had Johnny in his head, but it turned out he really loved the kid. Not him. Seeing his best friend crying himself dry broke his heart. He never thought he would give a damn but now he would do everything to get V back for him. 

Kerry got up, struggling to stand. His knees were weak, he felt like everything around him collapsed. He walked to the bar, only a few steps, until his legs gave away and he crash landed on the floor. Johnny jumped up, running towards him, getting down and holding him up. Kerry was a mess. He leaned in  Johnnys arms, crying like he’d never cried before. Johnny felt how his shirt got warm from his tears, the sobbing still uncontrollable. 

“I can’t... Johnny... he...”

“ Shhh ”, Johnny soothingly rubbed small circles on  Kerry's back. “I know... I know...”

“He is... everything Johnny.”

He looked up, his makeup smearing all over his face, his blue eyes looking greyish under all the pain and hurt hiding in his delicate features. His gold implants glistened softly, being wet from the crying that still  hadn’t stop. Johnny didn’t dare to  look; he didn’t want to hurt himself more than he already did. Kerry leaned more against him, inhaling the scent of his fiancé that lingered on the clothes, even though it weren’t his. He knew that it  wasn’t V who was in there, but Johnny, nonetheless he wanted to imagine. Imagine for a moment that everything was fine, that the love of his life did just walk through his door like nothing had happened, holding him, tears of joy instead of anger building up. Imagine how his life was now complete again, now that V was back in it. 

It was, of course, just a wish. All hope that was left in Kerry was gone. There was an emptiness inside his chest in the form of a young merc. Johnnys death had hurt him, sure, but  V’s straight up killed him from the inside. It was a different kind of love he felt for him, the kind of love some people might only find once in their life. V had saved him more than once, but most importantly gave him back the life he had so desired. Out of the shadows of a certain former band mate, out of the fear of being eaten by the Corpo world. Now there was a bigger shadow looming over him, one that wouldn’t go away. Ever. 

15 Minutes passed until Kerry was finally able to take his first steady breath. He was still laying in Johnnys arms who  hadn’t moved one bit in fear of making things worse for his friend. Whatever his friend needed right now, he would give it to him. Johnny had planned to berate Kerry, to tell him what he did wrong and how it was his fault that V was dying but he just couldn’t. For the first time in his life, he saw that sometimes some things are better left unsaid. Kerry sat up, straightening his back, rubbing his face with the back of his hands. His kajal left black streaks all over them, all over his face, but he didn’t care. 50 years ago, he would’ve been ashamed to cry in front of Johnny but now? _ Fuck him.  _ He took some deep breath and steadied himself, leaning back on his hands, his head back in his neck. He closed his eyes, trying not to start crying again. If V was really dead, then he would do it for real this time. Put a gun to his temple and just pull the trigger. He had been afraid of doing so for years now but this? This was the final straw. 

“The last time...”, he started, a sob already building up again. 

Johnny looked at him not daring to say a word. He wanted Kerry to know that he was listening.

“The last time I saw him, we had a fight. And I hit him. He told me to never touch him again. I...”

His heart burned, his entire chest going up in flames. The guilt made his gut wrench. 

“It  _ is _ my fault. Like you said.”

He looked up at the high ceiling, trying to focus on anything but the pain inside him. 

“Kerry I’d like to talk to you. About what happened the last 3 weeks and about what I am planning to do. I think that would only be fair.”

Kerry looked at him, wiping away the newly built tears in his eyes. 

“Will you let me do that? I promise that it will hurt but you need to know.”

Kerry nodded silently. He was so damn afraid of what Johnny was about to tell him. They both stood up and made their way back to the couch. Kerry fell into the cushions, slouching down and running his slender fingers through his silver, unkempt hair. He let his hands down, playing with the small gold ring on his finger. Johnny just now realized that it was actually the engagement ring he saw in that BD from Judy.

“Before I start, can I ask you something?”

Kerry looked at him, tilting his head.

“Why did you save that BD from your engagement?”

“Judy showed you?”

“Yeah... I didn’t know. Congratulations. I guess.”

Kerry bit his lips.

“I... was afraid that V will be taken from me before I had any chance to save him. And I wanted to have something to remember. I filmed a lot of days with  Judys help behind his back. But they all ended in some way that I didn’t want V to be remembered. Me going to the studio, him having a spontaneous gig. It was pure luck that I filmed our engagement and that is...”, he stifled a sob. “The best thing that had happened to me.”

“And you said yes, right? The BD ended right before that.”

“Yes! Of course, why wouldn’t I. I love him, even after just a few weeks. I love him”, his voice getting quieter with every word.

“Do you remember why you both fought that day he left?”

Kerry shook his head. 

“No, I can’t remember. It was probably something stupid. V was acting off the days before. It was probably me being paranoid. God I... it was probably me”, he muttered, tears running down his cheek.

“It’s not always you. Kerry, you sure were stupid back then but you have no idea how much joy you bring to V’s life. 

Kerry sobbed, tears streaming down his face again. It was no use, he needed rest before Johnny hit him with the real heavy stuff. He decided to let V’s uncertain future wait for tomorrow and just have a casual night with his best friend. Johnny tried his best to cheer him up, talking about the old days with Samurai. That one-time Kerry hit it off with a guy in the back of Johnnys Porsche and how he nearly killed them both. How Rogue had played with one of their amps right before a show and it nearly exploded in the faces of some eager fans. Kerry huffed a laugh, he grew tired  pretty quickly until he just lay down on the couch, snoring away. Johnny sighed, relieved that he could calm him somehow. He picked him up bridal style and placed him into his bet upstairs. Looking at the cleanly folded sheets he probably hadn’t been sleeping in it since V left. He covered him quickly before going downstairs again, making himself comfortable on the couch. 

***

Johnnys sleep was restless. He had been thinking about how he should tell Kerry that V and him might die. That they were about to go into Arasaka and just give it a shot. He sat up as he heard footsteps coming from behind him. A yawning Kerry, already fully clothed, stalked down the stairs, still looking like shit. His eyes looking a tad smaller without the makeup, his skin dry and red still from the crying. He looked miserable, in every possible way. 

“You want umm… coffee?”, he muttered voice already shaky. Or maybe still.

“ Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe a cig.”

“Sure…  sure”, Kerry mumbled, making his way  behind the bar . He leaned at the counter watching  the coffee machine brewing, unaware of his surroundings, engulfed in terrible thoughts. He didn’t even notice Johnny popping up behind him.

“I think we should talk now.”

Kerry jumped at the sudden voice coming from behind him. He lay a hand on his chest and took a deep breath.

“Do I even  wanna know? Can you spoil me? Does your story have a happy end?”

“ Eventually. But chances are slim, I don’t want to give you hope.”

Kerry bit his lip and tightly shut his eyes. He nodded. He anticipated this answer but still it hurt more than he could handle. Johnny grabbed the cups and went outside with him, settling on one of the outside couches near the pool. It was relatively early, for them at least. About 11am. The sun was already shining, it was a bit warmer than yesterday. He grabbed his mug from Johnny’s hand and looked over the pool. 

“Just get it over with, please. I can't take it anymore.”

Johnny lit a cigarette before starting to tell Kerry everything that had happened since V left. He started with  Panam and the job that nearly went downhill thanks to Vs blackout. How he visited Vik and Misty, the panic attacks V was having thanks to the chip and his uncertain future. How Judy contacted him and how they tried to get to V through  Kerry's BD. That he finally got V to look for Kerry, only to get stabbed by his bodyguard (who got fired that exact moment in their conversation), how it was him that woke up days later at  Viks clinic and how he  hadn’t seen V since then. About Rogue being actually concerned for them and finally the plan he and  Takemura had. The last chance. 

The conversation was hard for both parties involved. At some point Kerry  had started crying again. It was all too much.  He fumbled at his neck implant which vibrated with every sudden sob that escaped his lips.  He couldn't look Johnny in the eye, he couldn't even look in his direction. Johnny  wasn’t mad about it, he understood that Kerry was seeing his  fiancé and not him. It must've been hard.  After a few minutes of silence, only interrupted by sudden whimpers coming from Kerry, Johnny took the word once again.

“So… this is where we’re at Ker. I trust Takemura, I have to. V doesn't have a lot of time left. This might be our only chance and I want to take it.”

“ So I might lose you both. Again.” 

Kerry's eyes searching through the nothingness in front of him, looking for answers to questions he didn't even dare to ask. He was 83 now but he felt like he was 29 again, standing in front of Johnny who had just told him that he would ambush  Arasaka . He had lost a big part of his life back then and he knew he would lose the other part soon. 

“I know it’s… it's not ideal. I wished it was different believe me.”

“I do. I do believe you.”

He took a big sip from his coffee that had gone cold by now. The bitter taste lingered on his lips, his heart aching. He already felt like dying. He grabbed the mug with all his  strength , his knuckles turning white. He hung his head low, a big sigh leaving his lips. 

“I promise you Ker, I will do  _ anything _ to bring him back.”

Kerry just nodded. He was already defeated. Johnny saw that he had barely hope left. He wished he had the right words to encourage Ker, but Johnny was not known for his silver tongue. He wished he could at least bring V back for a little while before he went to Arasaka. He didn't want to be alone with Kerry. 

"Do you want to...," Johnny began, his voice shaky.

Kerry looked to him, not hopeful, but interested.

"Do you want to try to get V back? Somehow?"

"What do you mean?"

"I think... well I hope... that he's still in there," he tapped his temple. "If anyone can coax him out, it's you."

Kerry sighed. 

"And how do you envision that?"

"I don't know, it's not like  _ I'm _ his fiancé. But I've seen him and felt his pain. He loves you, more than anything."

"Does he?"

"He does."

Kerry wiped away his tears.

"We could...do what V and I have always done when he was here."

"I'm not going to bang you."

Kerry smirked briefly. 

"Don't worry, the time I wanted to fuck you is long gone. We could cook. Watch a couple of shows. Maybe any of it will bring him back."

Johnny nodded, stood up, and pulled Kerry up by his hands. The two went into the mansion and started the day. Kerry tried to act as normal as possible while doing so, burning his breakfast toast, sitting on the couch with Johnny and watching a few episodes of Little Big Corpo Rat, going swimming with him, but nothing worked. Johnny shook his head every time Kerry looked at him with hope in his eyes. And every time he did, his expression grew dimmer. 

It was later in the afternoon when Kerry decided to give up. He couldn't do this to himself anymore. The tears flowed while Johnny tried to cheer him up somehow. 

"This is so ridiculous," he sobbed. 

"I know. And unfair."

"I just... I might have one last idea," Kerry sniffled as he wiped his nose on his sleeve. He had put on one of V's denim jackets as it grew cooler toward evening. He took Johnny's hand and pulled him to the corner of his foyer where the guitars hung. He examined them for a second. Two had been destroyed by now, one on the yacht and one yesterday in a torrent of frustration and despair. His fingers slid over the headless  strat in cherry red. He felt its curves, let the strings ring out briefly to make sure it was in tune, then reached for her neck to lift it down. Johnny watched him intently; Kerry was as hot-blooded as he was, but music evoked a sense of calm, of security in  both of them . 

Kerry sat down on the bench set up in front of the wall and leaned the body of the guitar on his leg. He tuned it briefly to make sure it sounded perfect before he began to play. Johnny recognized the song  immediately , the soft hum to it. It was the song from the yacht. He sat down next to him, put his head back and closed his eyes, completely focused on the melody and the memories that came with it. It had also been a special moment for him, being able to witness Kerry finally coming out of his cocoon and opening up to someone. Starting a new chapter in his life, without him. It made Johnny proud, even if he would never admit it out loud.

Kerry fingers slit over the strings, no need to search for notes, playing only by heart. The memories flooding his brain, the tears flowing again. He  wasn’t ashamed to cry, he instead tried to tell himself that he can be proud to have found someone who made him feel this way. 

“I have wondered since that day”, he stuttered while still playing. “What you thought about me hooking up with V. I guessed you found it disgusting. Never would I’ve imagined that you would be willing to do all this to get him back to me.”

He got no answer from Johnny. He looked over to him, seeing his eyes closed, prompting him to stop.

“Johnny? Are you okay?”

“Don’t... stop. Please.”

That voice.  Kerry's heart got stuck in his throat. That  wasn’t Johnny that was...

“V?”

“Ker...”, he looked at him, tears in his eyes. He looked terrible, like he was already dead. 

“Fuck, V”, Kerry flung his guitar to the floor, grabbed the man beside him by the collar and pulled him in for a tight hug, tears of joy streaming down his face. 

“Welcome home, babe.”


	15. I Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They held each other, tightly gripping their shirts, loud sobs escaping both their lips. Kerry feeling his everything, holding the back of his head, running through his hair, inhaling the scent of the man as his face was buried in his neck. His hands lingering only for seconds at one place as if he had to make sure that he was indeed there, in one piece, afraid of letting go and losing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Smut!

They held each other, tightly gripping their shirts, loud sobs escaping both their lips. Kerry feeling his everything, holding the back of his head, running through his hair, inhaling the scent of the man as his face was buried in his neck. His hands lingering only for seconds at one place as if he had to make sure that he was indeed there, in one piece, afraid of letting go and losing him. V rubbing soothing circles on Kerry's back, crying. Tears of joy and fear, finally holding his lover in his arms. He was longing for this moment for the last weeks, he was afraid he had already forgotten how at home it felt to just hold him. Their fight from a month ago long forgotten. V muttered apologies but Kerry wasn’t having any of it.

“Just... just shut it V”, his face finally freeing itself from his neck, looking his lover deep in the eye. “You are here, back home again, that is all that matters. No apologies, no... no goodbyes. Just you and me now.”

“Ker, I...”

“I don’t wanna hear it, okay? You are here with me. That’s what counts.”

He took the younger man's face in between his hands, kissing his nose, his cheeks, his chin, forehead, eyes, finally his lips, letting no spot untouched. V just let it all happen. He was so tired, his body was aching, his head pounding and his heart throbbing. The featherily light kisses of his fiancé though made it all worthwhile. He closed his eyes, letting in all the sensation he had missed so dearly over the last weeks. He regretted it immediately, how he abandoned Kerry over a dumb fight. He hit him, so what? He would’ve apologized. He remembered Kerry’s face, more shocked than himself. It wasn’t something that V would’ve forgiven that evening but the next day for sure. This fucking chip, fucking Silverhand, made his brain force him to make stupid decisions. He ran away for what? He was dying now, there was not much time left for them and it was his fault. He could’ve had weeks of joy with the man in front of him and instead he opted to rot in the gutter in Night City. He was an idiot; he didn’t deserve this. He tried pushing Kerry away, feeling ashamed, turning his face away from him.

“No. I know what you’re thinking.”

Kerry grabbed him by his chin, carefully turning his head back to face him.

“Let’s not talk about who’s fault this was. It was nobody’s okay? We have each other now and we should cherish it as long as we can.”

_“Kerry being the rational one here V, mark that day in your calendar.”_

V turned his head, facing Johnny.

_“I’ll leave you alone for now. I’ve had plenty of time with him. This if for the both of you.”_

With that Johnny vanished in a turquoise flicker. Kerry eyed V, knowing full well what just happened, giving him all the time, he needed. V tilted his head slightly before turning his gaze back to Kerry. He was met with crystal blue eyes piercing right through his black ones. He closed the gap between them, Kerry's lips crashing on his own, eyes fluttering shut. Kerry’s kisses have always been a bit hasty, messy even, but this one... not so much. It was full of passion, sadness... it was love. At its purest, and rawest form. V draped his arms around the older man's slender form. He had lost weight, just like himself. The last weeks had been draining for both of the men.

“Can we... lay down somewhere?”

“Sure,” Kerry said, wriggling out of V’s arms, standing up and grabbing his hands. He helped him up and went straight upstairs for their bedroom. He helped him undress, touched his skin he hadn’t felt for a long time, resting his hands on his bare chest while looking up at him. The bandages from where he got stabbed a few days prior not seeping any blood, that was a good sign. V looked down at him, a puzzled expression on his face.

“I just... I just wanna feel hit. Your heart, I mean. It’s still beating.”

V took him in his arms, resting his chin on the shorter man's head, closing his eyes for a brief moment.

“Let’s get into bed. You need to rest V, your body is exhausted.”

V just nodded but didn’t let go of Kerry. They fell onto the bed, arms still around each other, cuddling like their life depended on it.

“Ker... tell me about your past days. About the new album maybe. Something... something good for a change.”

“There is not much positive that happened while you were gone.”

“I take anything. I just don’t want to fall asleep. Please.”

Kerry frowned.

“Why?”

“Because...”, he muttered, tears already building up. “I don’t know if I’ll ever wake up again.”

Kerry gasped silently. He hadn’t thought about that. It could well be happening, V falling asleep just to never return again. His heart was beating. No, now wasn’t the time to think about this. He needed to keep him awake somehow. He wiped away his tears and forced a smile.

“I’ll keep you awake; I promise.”

Kerry started talking about how he finished the first demo with Us Cracks. Blue Moon was so excited to work with him, it was adorable. She had asked him several times where V was, wishing him all the best. Kovachek had been let go, Kerry's new manager wasn’t the best, but surely easier to handle than that asshole. He played with V’s hair while he talked about how he had already planned their wedding to the smallest detail. He wanted them to wear white suites. V rolled his eyes, but he liked how enthusiastic his fiancé was about all this. It was nice to just listen to him brabble about the future they would probably never have. He honest to god just loved his voice, no matter what he was doing with it. He felt how he started to slip away; he was just too tired. He tried his best but the world around him turned black. He felt how afraid he was getting but he just couldn’t fight it anymore, he needed rest. And so, mid-sentence, Kerry looked at him, seeing that he had fallen asleep. He sighed heavily, placing a kiss on the young mercs forehead and cuddling into his arms, his face buried in his neck. He could just hope that he would wake up again tomorrow.

“I love you V. I know you can hear me.”

***

Kerry was the first to be awake, which was a bad sign in itself. V was the early bird of them both, but he was still happily snoring away next to him. Kerry set up, leaning against the back of the bed, watching the sleeping form next to him. He was hoping, begging internally, that it was V who would awake. He silently got up, placed the sheets over his lover and made his way to the bar, preparing coffee. He got lost in thought when he heard a familiar voice.

“Kerry?”, V yawned, stretching, looking actually lightly healthier than last night.

Kerry looked at him, mug in hand, a concerned expression on his face.

“Is it...?”

“V. It’s me. Not Johnny, V.”

Kerry sighed in relieve, holding out the cup to him.

“I was so afraid it would be Johnny.”

“Me too. I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I’m sorry I scared you.”

“Stop apologizing for everything you gonk. You’re here, that’s all that matters.”

V stalked over to him, knees a bit wobbly, leaning down to him for a kiss. Tender and lovely, just what both of them needed.

“How about we try to have a normal day? Just... going in the pool, watching TV. Maybe threatening some guys at gunpoint”, V smirked.

“You‘ll never forgive me for our first date, hm?”

“So that’s what we call it now, our first date. Can’t wait to tell that our wedding guests.”

Kerry laughed, a true and hearty laugh. God it felt good to be with him.

“I swear if you tell them anything about how we spend our time they’ll flee in an instant.”

V grinned.

“Maybe just a small wedding. You and me. The beach. Maybe on the Philippines.”

Kerry looked at him surprised.

“You’d actually do that?”

“I mean, sure. You said you wanted to take me there, wouldn’t that be the perfect time to get married?”

“It certainly would be, yes.”

He took V’s hand, playing with the rings on each finger.

“I mean... if you come back.”

“When”, V corrected him, trying to sound encouraging.

Kerry leaned on him. He didn’t know how much time they had left. They shouldn’t use it to engulf in their shared sadness and fear of the future.

“So what about breakfast, my dear V, and then a jump into our pool?”

“Sounds preem.”

Breakfast consisted, as usual, of slightly burned toast, way too much coffee and some fruit Kerry had found in his fridge. It was a wonder that stuff wasn’t rotten yet. V looked better by the minute, even cracking some cheesy jokes and cheerfully playing with Kerry. One might think it was just an ordinary day in an ordinary relationship. Not long after their extensive breakfast they decided to take a dip into the pool. V stripped off his clothes while Kerry was watching him carefully. He tried to remember every little detail, every scar, every tattoo, every mole. V on the other hand nearly seemed careless, so to say. When he finally kicked away his boxers and turned around, he was met with a staring Kerry, blush forming on his cheeks. They both laughed at the slightly awkward tension between them.

“C’mon Ker, you can’t let me drown, can ‘ya?”

“Nah, sure you can swim. Although, I have to ask, is it okay with your stab wound on your stomach?”

“Ah, sure. Will heal either way, I guess. C’mon now, I don’t wanna be the only one naked here.”

“Alright, alright.”

Kerry got rid of his clothes, grabbed his lovers' hand and jumped in the pool with him. It was a lot colder than they anticipated. They swam to the surface and grasped for air, shivering and giggling like little children. V clinging on Kerry while they swam to a shallower part of the pool. They’re body heat was enough to make them feel comfy in the otherwise cold water. It didn’t take long until they started kissing, both desperate, sleep deprived and full of lust. Kerry bit V’s lip, earning a moan from the young man. He could feel how his cock was getting hard between his legs. Kerry pushed him away, just a little bit to face him.

“You think you’re fit enough for this? We can stop, it’s no-”

V cut him off with a kiss.

“Shh, Kerry. Don’t ruin this. I promise I’ll tell you when it gets too much.”

“Well, I fucking hope you do.”

V kissed him again, opening his mouth slightly, his tongue begging for entrance. Kerry let him happily. The kiss was sloppy, V pressing Kerry against the wall, holding his head by the neck and exploring his mouth to the fullest. Their eyes closed, nothing between them. Their bodies rocking against each other. It took V all of his strength not to come from the sensation of their two hard dicks rubbing against each other alone. He separated himself from the older man, gasping for air, smiling like sunshine itself.

“We should take this upstairs.”

“Absolutely”, Kerry responded, still huffing from that overwhelming sensation.

They got out of the pool, barely letting go of each other. Kerry grabbed a towel and dried them both halfheartedly. He didn’t care if anything inside the mansion got wet, he would need to change the sheets either way. V basically dragged him upstairs, slipping nearly on the stairway. They tumbled into the open atelier over Kerry’s living room, falling onto the bed. Kerry hovering over V, rubbing his hard dick against his lovers while kissing him intensively.

“Fuck, Ker. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

He kissed him again, wandering from his mouth to his chin, down his neck. V moaned, getting goosebumps from the older man's soft lips on his skin. Kerry looked up to him, sheepishly at first, then with a sinister grin. He wanted to make him feel good and he would. He sat up a bit, kissing further down his chest, his stomach before halting right in front of his erection. V sighed loudly.

“Ker, I swear...”

His words were cut off in an instant as he felt Kerry's hot tongue sliding over the tip of is dick. He bit his knuckles, arching his back a bit. The sensation overwhelming him. Kerry looked up to him, smirking as he liked down his shaft. He had missed his taste, the musk and heat between his legs. He loved pleasuring him and today was all about making him feel good. V was already unable to get out just one coherent sentence. Kerry was proud of that one. He licked intensively at his tip that was dripping of precum, inhaling every moment, stroking V’s hard cock with his left hand. He closed his eyes and listened to the young mercs moans. He was already close, but Kerry didn’t want to let him finish yet. From one second to another he stopped, sitting up. V opened his eyes, panting, looking at him.

“What the fuck Kerry”, his voice sounding hoarse, impatient. Kerry liked this demanding site of V, it turned him on to no end.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get your fuck in a second.”

Kerry leaned over him, their skin brushing against each other lightly. Before he could reach the bedside table, he was jerked back in a violent motion, crashing down on V, their lips meeting in a violent kiss.

“Wanna fuck you, Ker.”

Kerry just grinned. That was the V he was used to, he loved. And how could he say no to feeling his fiancés dick inside him. There was no better feeling than that.

“Let me get that lube and I’m all yours my love.”

He wriggled out of V’s tight grip, leaned over to grab the lube from the table and handed it to him. V didn’t take second chances. He got Kerry off himself, changing positions and laying him on his back, pinning his hands over his head with his left hand, while opening the bottle he was holding in his right with his teeth. The sight alone made Kerry harder than anything else.

“Be a good boy and don’t move”, V growled as he released his grip to squirt some of the lube in his hand. Kerry just nodded, flushed and full of want. V positioned himself between Kerry's legs before carefully inserting one finger in his hole. _Fuck, he was tight. And hot._ Kerry moaned, music to V’s ears. He moved his finger a few times, brushing his tight walls, before inserting a second one.

“Look at me while I finger you open.”

Kerry obediently opened his eyes, trying to focus on V’s face while being absolutely absorbed by stimulation.

“Good boy.”

Kerry bit his lips. He loved how V praised him. He could die right then and there and wouldn’t regret a thing. V slowly but steadily worked him open, adding a third finger, looking at Kerry while he did so. Said man had a hard time keeping his eyes open at the sensation he was feeling. One month without a good fuck was too much for him.

“You ready babe?”

“God V just...”, he panted. “Wanna feel you inside me.”

“So impatient.”

He slid out his fingers, wiping them on the sheets and hovered over Kerry. His dick was already covered in lube, Kerry had been too far gone to even notice. V positioned himself at his entrance, catching a clumsy kiss from his lover while slowly pushing in. They both grunted in unison at the feeling. Kerry bit V’s lip, drawing a bit of blood from it. He always forgot just how big his man was. And it always filled him with absolute joy. V looked at him lovingly while carefully pushing more of him in. Kerry bend his neck backwards, moaning loudly at the filling feeling. He loved getting fucked, especially by him. He didn’t know what the difference was to his former lovers, he certainly had amazing sex before. This was just different, in a more than good way.

“Did I allow you to close your eyes?”, V growled while pushing in all the way.

“Fuck”, Kerry grunted, his voice muffled from lust. He tried opening his eyes, which was a lot harder than anticipated. V slipped out of him a little, placing his legs on his shoulders while not blinking once. With a smooth motion he pulled Kerry towards him, halfway on his lap, burying his dick in his tight hole. Kerry wasn’t able to form any words, screaming some half-hearted profanities while his lover fucked his ass relentlessly. They both hadn’t touched Kerry’s dick since V had claimed him. That didn’t go unnoticed by the younger man, who grabbed his lovers hard member and started stroking it in the rhythm of his thrusts. Kerry was overwhelmed, rolling his eyes backwards which earned him a slap on the ass. He grunted, enjoying the sudden feeling of pain.

“I said look at me when I fuck you.”

“Y-yeah”, whined Kerry who was having a sensory overload.

As fun as it was for both of them, they were still exhausted and it was only a matter of minutes until V reached his limit.

“I’m gonna…”, he moaned while filling up Kerrys hole. He let go of his dick briefly to ride out his orgasm but before Kerry was able to help himself he felt Vs Hand grabbing his cock again.

“Be nice and come for me”, he grinned while stroking his dick with expertise. Kerry threw his had back, Vs dick still inside him as he came with a loud moan, spilling his cum all over his stomach. They didn’t move for a few moments, both panting from the sensation. Kerry was the first one to talk.

“Fuck… V. I fucking missed you.”

V just grinned, looking proud at the mess in front of him. He slowly slit out of Kerry, missing the heat around him already, and lay next to him. He looked at the ceiling, a satisfied expression on his face.

“We need a shower.”

“Yeah”, V chuckled. “And maybe a round 2?” He wriggled his brow, sitting up and grabbing Kerry in the process, swiping him up bridal style, making his way to the bathroom.

The rest of their day was pure bliss. They cooked together, had a round 2 and 3, went for a ride with the Aerondight and settled for Watson Whore, beer and pizza in the evening. V cuddled up to Kerry, closing his eyes. He was tired, Kerry knew that. He rubbed his arms, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He knew that if V would fall asleep now he might never come back. He just didn’t want this moment to end. He kissed V’s head lightly, holding him tight. He would not let go of him until he was sure it wasn’t V anymore who was in his body. Tears already streaming down his face while trying not to think about the inevitable. He heard some murmuring from below him, tilting his head a bit.

“What was that babe?”

“I love you”, V murmured sleepy.

“I love you”.

“I’ll come back. I promise.”


	16. I've Been Waiting For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It took several hours until Johnny awoke. He looked around, he was lying on the couch, alone. Kerry had gone to bed, leaving him behind. He was amazed by how aware Kerry had become of when it was V in his body or Johnny. He slowly sat up, his head spinning slightly. He had left them both alone the last few days, tucked himself away deep in V’s mind. He felt like that was only fair towards the young man. He ran his fingers through his hair, it felt fresh and soft. Kerry had taken care of V, that was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very graphic violence in this chapter! Also: Look out for major tag change. 
> 
> I know the layout of Arasaka and Mikoshi is not 100% correct, but that is not important for the story.   
> The chapter is way longer and more graphic than expected but I greatly enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> Comments always welcome <3

V was able to contain his body for 3 days in total. It felt like their life was back to normal again, although he had some minor seizures here and there and was coughing up blood when he over did himself. But other than that, the two of them had probably the best time of their life. On day 4 it changed. V felt that he was slipping away  again, and he was terrified. He lay on the couch while Kerry was sitting behind him, stroking his hair and holding him. 

“I’m afraid Ker”, he coughed a little. “I don’t wanna go.”

“I know babe, I know.” 

Kerry kissed his forehead gently while V leaned against his chest. 

“You will come back. Remember? You promised. And  you always keep your promises.”

V smiled weakly, taking his hand. He shivered; his body was ice cold. Like all his blood had left his limbs. He wasn’t dying but he surely felt like it. He was just glad that Kerry was holding him, although he felt embarrassed that he wasn’t strong enough to fight it anymore. 

“I have to come back. Don’t  wanna miss your new album.”

“Will be a #1 hit.”

V closed his eyes, still smiling. He snuggled against Kerry. He couldn’t fight his exhaustion anymore; Kerry was feeling that. He ran his hands through his hair, waiting for him to slip away. He silently  pressed his lips against his forehead, mumbling sweet nothings. 

“I love you my dear. I’ll be waiting for you to return.”

***

It took several hours until Johnny awoke. He looked around, he was lying on the couch, alone. Kerry had gone to bed, leaving him behind. He was amazed by how aware Kerry had become of when it was V in his body or Johnny. He slowly sat up, his head spinning slightly. He had left them both alone the last few days, tucked himself away deep in V’s mind. He felt like that was only fair towards the young man. He ran his fingers through his hair, it felt fresh and soft. Kerry had taken care of V, that was good. He stood up, getting used to having this body back again. Not like it was hard, he just wanted to test the waters. He grunted lowly as he felt that his fucking ass hurt.  _ These two bastards. _ He smiled at his own thoughts. Good to know that they at least had fun. His optics slowly adjusted to the darkness, it had to be very early in the morning. Night City was glowing behind the hills of North Oak, it truly was a beautiful sight. A bit morbid, thinking about how probably a dozen people were getting killed under the neon light right at this moment. 

Johnny shuffled to the bar, making himself comfortable at the counter while waiting for his coffee. He yawned and stretched his arms over his head. The sleep had been okay, considering that he literally switched minds with another person. His body though felt significantly better than expected. It had been a good choice to leave V with Kerry after all. He looked through the foyer, crossing his arms. It looked messy like always, a slither of red and orange sunrays enlightening the room slightly while the morning sun started to dawn. It looked magical. He had made fun of Kerry's mansion the first time he and V went there but now he could see the beauty in it. How it embodied everything his best friend had ever wanted, ever worked for. He had always been a bit dramatic, extravagant even. The gold cybernetics proofed that, but it was also the details, sometimes small but  often times huge, in his home. Like the big Samurai shrine cherishing old times, neatly placed at the end of the foyer for everyone to see. How he had proudly hung his guitars, even Johnnys that he had given to him after their reunion gig. A great collection of way too expensive alcohol in his bar, not touched once. The big ass self-portrait in his living room. The wall of graffiti, looking eerie the same as the wall in their old, shared apartment. The pool table he barely used. How all his clothes were scattered around his house. His home screamed ‘Kerry  Eurodyne ’, but it also screamed something else. It screamed ‘V’. Kerry had accommodated his own needs to that of his fiancé. There was a room solely for V’s equipment that Kerry had set up on his own. How he had done that without killing himself in the process was beyond Johnnys imagination. Even a picture of him on the table where the frame of his ex-wife stood before. Some of V’s clothes were scattered together with the ones Kerry had so reluctantly left behind. The two were so intermingled by now, it made Johnny sigh happily. He was just glad that his best friend finally found someone he could be himself with. Johnnys job was now to keep this man by his side. 

He was too caught up in thought that he didn’t realize that Kerry had walked behind the bar and grabbed himself a cup of coffee. He took a deep breath, leaning on the counter in front of Johnny and observed him. It took the other man a few minutes to realize that Kerry was there. 

“Hey. Morning.”

“Hey”, Kerry said, voice cold and concerned. “How’d you sleep?”

"The couch is comfortable enough for one night."

"You know... what happens next?"

Johnny shook his head. Takemura hadn't gotten back to him yet; he'd told him it would probably be a few days.

"I'm glad you-"

Johnny's words were interrupted by a call from Takemura. _ Speak of the devil. _ His eyes lit up blue as he took the call and walked from the bar toward the living room. He didn't want to involve Kerry in this any more than was  absolutely necessary .

"Johnny. I have the data. We can be on our way."

"What exactly does 'on our way' mean? When? Where?"

"Now. As fast as you can. Time is limited, we need to get into HQ today and get you to Mikoshi."

Johnny swallowed.  _ Now? _ He glanced briefly at Kerry, who was watching him anxiously.  _ Fuck, barely time to prepare. _

"Okay, got it. What do I need?"

"Whatever you got. Weapons, protective clothing-"

"I thought you said you got us access."

"That doesn't mean we don't have to fight our way through there. Johnny, you of all people should know what it means to break into Arasaka."

"Can you please succinctly explain what exactly your plan is?"

Takemura took a deep breath. Johnny decided to get ready while the man on the other line explained what he was in for. He hurried up the stairs and searched V's storeroom for weapons, ammunition, and clothing.

"I have access to Mikoshi. The card and the permit number."

"Do I want to know how you got that?"

"That's not your problem."

"Hmm," Johnny hummed. 

"However, to get to the entrance of Mikoshi we have to get past the Arasaka staff. I've had the HQ plans given to me and worked out a way that involves as few encounters with said staff and security people as possible."

"When you say 'as little as possible,' that means there is no way to completely avoid an encounter."

"That's correct."

Johnny groaned. He searched V's things for powerful weapons. Luckily Vik had upgraded his Mantis Blades again, otherwise this could change into a real debacle. He came across the Malorian Arms. And Kerry's Archangel. After a short hesitation he packed both weapons, they would surely be useful for them. 

"As soon as Arasaka has noticed our intrusion, we will be in a hurry. I'll watch your back and you'll infiltrate Mikoshi."

"Where exactly is Mikoshi located?"

"Under the tower. Listen Johnny, I can't tell you everything about the holo, you have to come here. I'll ping you my location. We don't have time."

Before Johnny could say anything, Takemura hung up.  _ Fuck this. _ He sat on the floor in V's storage room, not really knowing where to put his thoughts. This all seemed like a bad joke, then again, the whole world seemed like a bad joke. Kerry leaned against the doorframe, arms folded, gaze cold and questioning.

"What's he saying?"

Johnny startled and turned to him.

"I...that I have to go. Now." 

He stood up and walked past Kerry.

"I'll get dressed and be gone."

"Johnny?"

Johnny stopped and turned around once more. Kerry's expression softened, concerned. 

"If you go through with that plan of yours...then you're not coming  back, right?"

Johnny looked at the floor, then back at his best friend. 

"No. Then you're rid of me, once and for all."

Kerry walked up to him and took him in his arms. Johnny looked up in surprise, putting his arms carefully around the smaller man.

"Thanks."

"I'll bring him back to you. I promise."

Kerry just nodded. 

"You've been a good friend Johnny. At the end of the day, you always got everything done that you wanted to. Thank you for being part of my life."

Johnny's heart warmed. He hugged Kerry tightly for a moment before letting go and holding him by the shoulders to look him in the eye.

"I'm proud of you. And when V is back, you live your life."

Before Kerry could say anything else, Johnny hurried into the bathroom to get ready. Kerry watched as he walked around the house gathering his things for a few more minutes before he unceremoniously climbed into the Quadra and disappeared from the premises. Kerry rubbed his arms. Maybe it wasn't just the last time he had seen his best friend. Maybe it also had been the last time he had seen is love. From here on out, all he could do was wait and pray. 

***

Johnny reached the coordinates Takemura had sent him after about 20 minutes. Takemura was already waiting impatiently for him when he got out. 

"I said  _ now _ Silverhand , not in 20 minutes".

"My god, I had to get here first too. I was in a hurry."

Johnny walked around the car and pulled out a bag of weapons and equipment. Takemura watched him as he prepared everything. 

"Am I learning more about the plan now?"

"We're breaking into Arasaka, how much more do you need to know?"

"It would definitely be helpful to know what we're doing once we get inside."

"We'll take one of the elevators at the east end. We need to get to the lowest floor, Mikoshi is built under the tower as I told you before."

"An elevator? Isn't that a little too conspicuous?"

"Unfortunately, the only way. I told you there will be no way around an encounter with Arasaka personnel."

Johnny sighed as he holstered his weapons and briefly extended his Mantis Blades to check them out. Vik had also updated his firmware, so hacking shouldn't be a problem for now. If he got around to it, that is, once Arasaka had him on screen. 

"Takemura, I'll be honest. This whole thing sounds like a kamikaze plan."

"To save your friend, we have to take the risk."

Takemura was right, they didn't have much choice. 

"What do we do when we get to Mikoshi?"

"I have this." Takemura pulled a shard out of his pocket and placed it in Johnny's hand. "I've been in contact with Alt Cunningham. She provided this  program; we need to connect it to  Mikoshi . It will open the gates to the access point, which you will then connect to."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Alt Cunningham? How did you get in touch with my ex-girlfriend, please?"

"My ways and actions don't have to be of your concern."

"In this case  _ it is _ , tell me or I won't follow through!"

Takemura sighed.

"It's complicated. She's been more communicative since you lured her through the Blackwall. I lured her to us with a decoy of you through a  netrunner . He talked to her that it was about you and V. Apparently, she has her own plans with  Mikoshi , which however coincide with our goal. You talked to  Alt, you know she's not human anymore. I can't tell you what her goals are, only that she's willing to help you if you get her in with  Mikoshi ."

Johnny rolled his eyes. Night City had always been full of secrets, he hated that. But in this case, he had no choice. 

"Okay. You obviously can't tell me more because you don't know more yourself." He aggressively reloaded one of his weapons. "So the basis of this plan is my dead ex-girlfriend's guess. I'm thrilled."

The sarcastic undertone was not lost on Takemura, but he chose to ignore it. 

"Johnny, we should get going."

"I know," he growled. "Let's get moving."

Johnny and Takemura walked around the HQ. As long as the cameras didn't see them, they were fine. Johnny stopped and dropped to his knees briefly, put his hand to his temple, and hacked into the security system. He laughed briefly, even Arasaka was that easy to hack. Well, at least the cameras on the outside wall.

"Takemura?" he stood up again. "We're safe, at least from the security system, as long as we're out here. I'll give them five minutes until they discover the security breach."

"Good work Johnny. Then it's time for us to go in."

Takemura picked up his pace and made his way to a back door. It was unusually quiet here Johnny observed. He fervently hoped that it had something to do with Takemura simply doing a good job. The hallways inside were unpleasantly shiny, flashbacks flooding Johnny's brain. It had been over 50 years since he had invaded and destroyed Arasaka Tower, and yet not much seemed to have changed. The same disgusting chrome wafted darkly over them. He skillfully disabled more cameras before they reached the elevator. 

"This has gone far too smoothly so far."

"I agree, Johnny."

The two amounted the elevator and leaned against the opposite walls.

"You're really doing this just to help V? Because he saved your life?"

"It's a matter of honor. And you're doing this why? Because you care about him?"

"Maybe he is. Maybe I made some mistakes that I want to make right. A start. The last thing I can do right."

"It's never too late to change your path to find a better purpose for yourself."

"We both know I'm not going to come out of this spectacle alive. It is the first and last honorable thing I will do."

"And you can be proud of that."

Johnny huffed. 

"Yes, proud. Of course," he said sarcastically. He searched his pockets for  cigarettes but found none.  _ Of course. Thought of everything but that. _

The elevator door opened slowly. Both men had a bad feeling in the pit of their stomachs and reached for their weapons out of reflex. This turned out to be correct, because not even a second later the first bullets flew in their direction. 

"Fuck, I'd say we're blown."

"Good observation Johnny."

They had to get out of the elevator as fast as possible. They used a second of silence to run out, Johnny to the left and Takemura to the right wall of the hallway. Johnny scanned the surroundings. 

"Four directly in front of us, two more in the hallway to the left. Which way do we go?"

"Straight ahead, then left. We'll come to a surveillance room from where we can get down to the mainframe of the tower. That's where you need to put Alt."

"Well then. Let the fun begin."

Johnny ran forward, taking out the first man with a well-aimed shot to the head before being hit by a grazing shot to the arm. He cursed briefly, having forgotten that his left arm was no longer made of metal. His muscle memory had become too accustomed to deflecting shots with his arm. Takemura briefly glanced at him to make sure he was okay before running past Johnny and finishing the man off with several shots to the chest. Johnny took a quick breath before running after him. One of the staff got a hold on Takemura, Johnny could see it out of the corner of his eye. While dodging the fourth man's shots, he extended his Mantis blade and pierced the head of the man holding Takemura. It was hard, the bones of the skull extremely strong, Johnny heard it crack as his blade, sheathed in heat, made its way through the brain and the back of the head. The man had no more chance to scream, blood leaking from his eyes as his grip loosened around Takemura's chest. Johnny kicked him in the side as he forcefully pulled his blade from the destroyed and half molten head. He had great difficulty freeing it without getting caught in the shattered bones. Johnny quickly shook the blood from the blade and retracted it, while Takemura, unaffected by his unpleasant encounter seconds before, took care of the fourth man. The other two men in the nearest hallway were still hidden behind a red, bulletproof door. 

"Come on Johnny, this way."

Takemura ran to the door, not even glancing at the bodies around him. Johnny hurried after him, his heart racing. He was full of adrenaline. The next two men were no problem for the two of them. While Takemura finished one off with a few shots, Johnny pierced the other with his Mantis Blades. As the blades retracted, he pulled out parts of his intestines, which landed on the smooth floor of the facility with a loud "thud". He'd be lying if he said he didn't miss that action. 

"Johnny, come here."

Takemura's calm voice brought him out of his thoughts. He walked over to Takemura, who was standing in front of a large window. 

"There."

He pointed to a construct one floor below, accessible by a few steps from the room they were standing in.

"That's the mainframe, at least that's how Alt described it. Find a way to put their shard there.” 

Johnny just nodded. This was all far too easy. He walked out of the room and looked around, no security to be seen, no cameras pinging him.  _ You'd think a room like this would be better guarded. _ He looked around; everything looked the same to him. Everything, except for one spot. That had to be the slot Alt was talking about. Johnny paced through the room, always careful of his surroundings. Takemura had followed him down, seemingly calm. This man was out of his mind, Johnny was sure of it. He slotted the shard in, just to hear Alt’s voice seconds later. 

_ You need to get into  _ _ Mikoshi _ _ and slot yourself in. I have breached  _ _ Arasaka _ _ Security.  _ _ Personell _ _ is coming for you. You only have about half an hour until they reach you.  _ _ Netrunners _ _ are breaching  _ _ Arasaka _ _ security. You need to hurry. _

Johnny looked around, feeling a bit anxious about all of this, nonetheless he made his way to the door, Takemura closely following. 

" Alt. Door." 

No response from the AI.  _ Fuck. _

"Takemura, I could use a hand here." 

Johnny bent down and slid his hands under the door. Takemura got down on his knees beside him and helped him as they both heard a loud noise behind them. Johnny turned briefly before Takemura was slammed into the wall by a thud. Johnny slid under the gap and tried to grab Takemura's hand, to no avail. He had to look  as the door  fell down again, him alone in  Mikoshi . He wanted to call for Takemura, when the door suddenly smashed in front of him, sending him flying backwards.  _ Smasher. Fucking Adam Smasher. _ He had Takemura tight in his grip, dangling him a few feet above the ground. Johnny could only watch in horror, as the man tried to wriggle free, only to hear a loud snap, as his neck broke in two. Not even the cybernetics at his throat could withstand Smashers pure force. More machine than man. He let go of Takemura, who landed on the floor with a loud thumb, blood seeping from his nose and mouth. He was dead within seconds without any chance to fight back. And now it was Johnny vs. Smasher again, like all those years ago.  _ This couldn’t be it; this couldn’t be the end of it all. _ Johnny scrambled to his feet as Smasher walked over to him, no sign of human life in him. 

“Thought you’d bring your fucking friend Rogue with you. Had loved to smash that bitches face on the floor.”

Johnny gritted his teeth. The thought alone of Rogue getting killed made his blood boil. No, this WASN’T the end. This fucking monster had to die, right now, pay for what he’d done so many years ago. Smasher didn’t know it was Johnny who was in control of V’s body. He wouldn’t want to change that knowledge; it might fire back on him. Smasher tried to grab him, but Johnny shuffled away. He had to bring him down. Quick. 

“Don’t try to fight it fucking asshole, I’m  gonna snap your neck like your friends.”

Johnny had only one option. Full force, get it done. Now. He took a deep breath, extending his knives. Bullets wouldn’t harm him enough and V probably needed the weapons when he had to fight his way out of  Mikoshi . He observed Smasher, scanned him within a few milliseconds and then just charged at him. Johnnys sudden attack took Smasher by surprise, just as he had hoped. He drove the first knife into his abdomen, destroying some vital connections. Smasher grunted, trying to grab Johnny, who had already done a full circle around the man, driving his other blade into his back. He tried to cut down every connection he could find that lay open to his knives. And it seemed to work. Seemed. Until Smasher got ahold of his neck, gripping him tight and holding him up. Just like he did with Takemura just minutes before. Johnny was choking, grasping for air while clinging to the taller man's arms. He could see that the carefully placed stabs had weakened him. A lot. Smasher looked him in the eye. If he could, he would probably grin right now. 

“Say good night, King of the Afterlife.”

Johnny looked at him, extended one of his blades and pierced it through one of Smashers eyes. He stumbled back, letting go of Johnny who was still hanging onto his blade. He had no choice, he needed to rip out the Mantis Blade. With a loud scream he grabbed his right arm and broke the blade out of it, artificial blood seeping from the wound, his hand dangling lifelessly on the smashed lower arm. He landed on his feet, looking up to Smasher who tried to stay afoot. This was his chance. He charged again, jumping slightly and cutting of his head with expertise. Smasher got on his knees, falling to his front. He was dead,  _ he was fucking finally dead. _ His head rolling to the side, the broken off Mantis Blade still sticking in his skull. Johnny needed to catch his breath, looking down at the broken arm he mumbled a few sorrys under his breath. 

_ The access point is in the middle of the room. You need to slot in. We will meet in the Cyberspace. _

_ “ _ Well, if that  ain’t my fucking helpful ex-girlfriend. Just nearly died here, have you seen that?”

_ You don’t have much time. Please jack in to proceed with the  _ _ process. _

_ “ _ I can’t believe we dated”, Johnny grunted while getting rid of his clothes. He was wearing a  Netrunner suit under his gear as Takemura had ordered him to do so. He looked over to the man, sighing. Another one on his death list. It was getting too long for his taste. He would ask V to pay him respect after they separated. He walked to the access point and took the cable out, then walked backwards into the water that was circling the room. He took a deep breath before sinking down, floating just at the surface and jacking in. His body reacted with a violent jerk and seconds later he found himself in Cyberspace. It was eerie, unwelcoming you could even say. He looked around as a little pathway created itself in front of him, asking him silently to follow. He walked down the path until he was met with what seemed to be a diner. And a silhouette of a man sitting at a table. V. He plopped down in front of him, just as Alt appeared next to him. 

“V.”

“I’ve been waiting for you.”


	17. A Day To Mark In The Calendar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was a beautiful sight. Truly an exception to the rest of the crowd. Her hair was blonde, shoulder length. A lean figure. She hadn’t had the ordinary look, no plum lips, no cutesy face. No, she seemed intelligent, strong… fierce. Way too clever to be at a Samurai concert. So, what was she doing here? Johnny couldn’t get his eyes off of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the Samurai Timeline a bit. It really doesn't make sense in the game, they just used the PnP timeline and squished their own lore in theirs.   
> Johnny would be about 24 in this and Kerry around 19 or 20.   
> I will evaluate a bit more in the next chapter.   
> ___  
> I'm sure this is also not what anyone expected to come after the last chapter :D

NIGHT CITY - 2013

She was a beautiful sight. Truly an exception to the rest of the crowd. Her hair was blonde, shoulder length. A lean figure. She hadn’t had the ordinary look, no plum lips, no cutesy face. No, she seemed intelligent, strong… fierce. Way too clever to be at a Samurai concert. So, what was she doing here? Johnny couldn’t get his eyes off of her. He felt the judging gaze of his girlfriend from behind the stage. Rogue was with him, the first time in for-fucking-ever and today of all days this woman went to see Samurai. On the other hand, he had cheated on her several times already, what was one more? He would make this woman his, tonight. Not here but maybe at Kerry's place. He probably had a  joytoy ready for the night, so he wouldn’t be in their joined apartment.  _ Fucking Preem.  _

The show was nearing its end. He hadn’t come up with anything to get rid of Rogue yet. Maybe he’d just ignore her, she would get the hint. He observed the crowd as he played the last chord, making eye contact with the blonde woman. She was sporting a leather jacket over a tight Samurai top.  _ Fucking hot. _ He gave his guitar to a  rowdy and escaped backstage out a back door. He needed to find that woman. Rogue was walking behind him, trying to catch his attention but to no avail. He ignored her.

“Don’t try it Rogue. It’s over”, Kerry said, holding her back  at her shoulder. She watched Johnny greeting the  crowd, sighing deeply, sadly. 

“I know, I just…”

“Come with me. We’ll have a drink.” 

Kerry took her hand, leading her back inside. Johnny hadn’t notice anything of what was going on as he searched for the mystery woman. Right as he was about to give  up, she stepped in front of him. Johnny smirked. 

“What a beautiful sight at this god forsaken place.”

“ Can’t say the same”, she retorted . 

_ Beautiful and witty.  _ He liked her. 

“Johnny  Silverhand .”

“Who would’ve thought”, she smirked. “ Altiera Cunningham. But you can call me Alt.”

“Alt. I like that name.”

Meeting her had to be destiny, he felt it. A day to mark in the calendar.

***

She moaned as she whipped her hips back and forth. Her had thrown back as her hair dangled free. She could feel him inside her, pulsating, nearing his orgasm. Johnny lay below her, hands on her hips in a tight grip. The cold silver of his left arm making her shiver in delight. She held herself steady on his stomach, her white prosthetic hand caressing his flesh. He was a good fuck, that was sure. Not the most intelligent person she had ever met but the most charismatic. She couldn’t get enough of him and he couldn’t get enough of her. She leaned down on him, kissing him passionately. He tasted like whisky and cigarettes and smelled like sweat and sex. He grunted as he pressed her down on him, coming inside her. She moaned at the hot feeling between her legs. Most of the time it ended like this. Johnny fucking himself dry, leaving her longing for an orgasm herself. But today wasn’t that day, she would get what she wanted. He looked up at her, seemingly satisfied with his work when she grabbed him by his throat, lightly choking him. Johnny grasped, not used to this sensation… or being not the one who was in control. Against what he ever imagined though he liked that. He liked that Alt knew what she wanted. 

“You stop fucking me when I’m done, understood?”, she growled, choking him harder. He just grinned, nodding, enjoying every second of  this.  He was already getting hard again, thrusting his hips up in a violet motion.  Alt screamed. She wanted more of this, started insulting Johnny w hic h made him angry, more violent in his moves. His hips jerking up like he wanted to tear Alt apart. She leaned down on him, kissing him, biting his lip until it drew blood. 

“Fuck, Johnny. Didn’t know you had it in you”, she smirked, sweat dropping from her chest onto his. 

“ I’ll show you what I got.” 

He grabbed her by the hair, violently asking for another kiss, exploring her mouth with his tongue, relentlessly fucking inside her. She begged him to continue until she screamed his name, her forehead lying on his chest, a wave of pleasure rolling over her.  She fell down next to Johnny, her legs quivering still. 

“ Silverhand ”, she looked at him, eyes  half lit. “That was a good fuck.”

“It was.”

He propped up  on his arms, searching for a cigarette. Alt observed his every move. He was handsome, she couldn’t deny it. He sat back on the  back of the bed, lighting up a cig, dragging deeply. That had been the best sex of his life.  A day to mark in the calendar.

***

One could say it was cute, domestic even. How they walked through Night City, holding hands. Like a true fucking couple. It was one of those normal days. Johnny hadn’t any gig that day, Alt a free day from her job. Johnny didn’t know what her job was at all and frankly, he didn’t care. Everyone had their own biz in this city, including the woman he fucked. It was weird for him to get so close to someone, a partner of all things. Another weird thing was the feelings he got towards her… love? No, probably not. Mad respect and adoration? Yes, a lot. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what was so amazing about her. She just had him wrapped around her finger. Like he had wrapped her around his. A chaotic couple the band had called them. Kerry seemed a bit jealous and Johnny actually liked that. Alt stopped in the middle of their walk, yanking Johnny backwards. He looked at her, curious as to what this sudden halt meant. He watched her as she observed some clothes in the window. She seemed so innocent, like she hadn’t fucked him senseless just a few hours ago. He adored that sweet side of her. 

“I  wanna try that one.”

“What exactly, princess?”

She pointed at a leather jacket.  Johnny nodded in agreement, entering the store with her. She took the jacket from the rack and put it on. It looked fucking perfect on her. 

“We buy it.”

“ Johnny , that’s fucking expensive.”

“A gift. From me, for you.”

Alt chuckled.  _ That cold hearted  _ _ Rockerboy _ _ buying her gifts. _ A day to mark in the calendar.

***

It had been a lousy day for Johnny. He had a fucking huge fight with Kerry, he said he wanted to quit the band. Again. Like the 50 th fucking time this year alone. He had stormed off a few hours ago, leaving Johnny alone in their joined apartment. Not that Johnny had been there very often since he dated Alt. He even started wondering why he was still living with him when they could both get their own place. He was just comfortable probably. Had lived with Kerry for such a long time that he was just used to it. Nonetheless, the fighting got more and it annoyed him. When he heard a key turning in the lock he nearly jumped up from the couch. He was ready to scream again as he hadn’t cooled down enough when he saw the slender silhouette of a woman walk in. Kerry had  one-night stands with women occasionally, given the fact that he was bi, although he explicitly stated that he was more into riding dick. Johnny stood up, waiting for the woman to appear just to throw her out again when he recognized  Alts voice.

“ Johnny ? You here? ”

He sighed in relief, falling back onto the couch.

“Living room”, he grunted, trying to  blow off some steam before  she entered the  room. She held up some paperbacks.

“Went to  Caliente and bought some burgers and Coke. Want some? Or should I leave you alone, brooding in your anger?”

“Well, burger sounds nice. Like real nice. What an honor. Kerry’s idea?”

“Partially. Asked me to look after you, gave me the keys. He really likes  you, Johnny.”

“A bit too much for my taste.”

“Don’t be so grumpy all the time.  He’s your best friend. And now move aside, the burgers are getting cold.”

Johnny smirked, making room for her to sit next to him, their legs  touching. It was pure delight for him. She really cared about him. No women before did that. She even went as far as to ask his best friend for his favorite food just to cheer him up. A day to mark in the calendar.

***

It was a date. Like a real fucking date. Like that kind of date where you went to a fancy  restaurant, drink the best wine and eat the most delicious food. And damn, did Johnny enjoy it. He  observed Alt as she gracefully cut her steak. She liked it  English , just like him.  She put the fork in her mouth, humming contently and looked at him?

“Everything alright? ”, she asked, holding a hand in front of her full mouth.

Johnny laughed. She looked so amazing, unlikely lady like and still would talk with food in her mouth. Not that he gave a damn, it was just… it was refreshing. 

“Everything's fine angel.”

She smirked. Then her attention was back to her plate. That woman ate a ton, Johnny was amazed every time. Yet she stayed slim. It was probably the sex, he at least liked to tell himself. On the other hand, he wouldn't mind if she gained some. She didn't care so much about looks and more about personality. He started eating his own steak, starting small talk with the woman in front of him. Normally they didn’t like to talk about meaningless things like VIPs, world news or the weather. But sometimes they just didn’t want to get too caught up in their busy life’s. Sometimes they just needed a break from that. 

“You know. I got some good news to share”, Johnny started while taking a sip of red wine. It was imported from Germany, wasn’t cheap at all. It was an important day today so only the best stuff would do.

“You finally found your brain?”, Alt laughed, taking her own glass in her hand.

“Fuck you”, Johnny smirked.  “That would be bad news for  ya and you know that.”

“ Touche .”

“No, we had a meeting with Warner. We're having a record deal babe. And if our first album  sells, we’ll go on world tour.” 

“When you  said, ' _ we had a meeting _ ’ was it ' _ we _ ’ as in 'the band' or ' _ we _ ’ as in ‘ _ Kerry _ ’?”

Johnny smirked.

“Ker . He brought the deal home. But still, without a band it wouldn't work.”

“ Oh I'm sure he’d make it work. Nonetheless, I'm really proud of you. The band  _ and  _ Johnny  Silverhand .”

“You’re too kind. You’d join us, right?”

Alt looked at him.  Hesitating to answer.

“Alt?”

“Listen I… I have job here, an important one. I’d love to, though. If I can't come for the whole tour, I’d at least try to visit now and then? How does that sound?”

“Not entirely the answer I wanted, but good enough for now. Now do me a favor and close your eyes.”

“I don't like where this is going Johnny. We're in public space.”

“Hey I'm not as bad as you make me out to be. Just… trust me.”

“Okay, okay. I trust you. For one minute.” 

She smiled, closing her eyes. Johnny stood up, slowly and as quite as possible. He searched in his pocket for a necklace and walked around the table. He gently put  Alt's hair to the side, placed the necklace on her collarbone and closed it at the back of her neck. She laughed, the sensation of the cold metal tickling her. 

“Okay, open your eyes now”, he said while getting back to his seat. She opened her eyes, looking down at the necklace.

“What… what is that?”

“Look at it.”

She took the Amulet between her hands and shifted it carefully. It was the Samurai logo as a metal emblem. Beautifully carved. She hadn’t seen anything like that in their merch booths on concerts. 

“It looks beautiful, where did you get that?”

“Made it, just for you. It’s unique.”

She looked at him, flabbergasted. 

“Johnny, that is… so sweet. I love it. Really thank you.”

He just smiled. Maybe, just maybe, it was love he felt. A day to mark in the calendar.


	18. You Are A Good Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He grinned. Devious, devilish even. Dangerous. Kerry shifted from one leg to another before going back on the floor, taking more orders. His mind not letting go of the question what this man wanted from him. He worked through the last hour that felt longer than ever, orders just flooding in. The mystery man hadn’t moved one bit, just playing with his empty mug, watching the people around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I sorry for more interludes? No.  
> You all must know how important Kerry was to Johnny, even though he never showed. 
> 
> I promise the main plot will continue next chapter <3

2010 – NIGHT CITY – EL CALIENTE 

He had trouble keeping the trays steady while rushing through the diner. It was packed, as always on a Saturday evening. Sweat running down his neck that was hidden behind the black mullet as he ran back behind the counter to get a new order ready. 

“Surely lot of people, huh?”, a young woman said, observing the young man next to her who had a hard time cutting some piece of cake. 

“Honestly, who wants cake on a Saturday evening”, he laughed, putting the piece onto the plate, decorating it with powdered sugar. “Can you make me a coffee pretty please?” 

“Just because you asked so nicely, sweetheart.” 

They both laughed, teasing each other for a few seconds before she put the coffee on his tray. 

“Hurry before the boss sees you slouching at the counter when customers are waiting.” 

“The boss can suck my dick”, he grinned, making his way through the astablishment and placing the cake and coffee in front of an elderly woman. He smiled with his best customer pleasing fake smile and walked through the tables, looking for someone who might want to order something new. There he spotted the man. Maybe a few years older than him, max, lush jet-black hair, about ear length. A slight stubble on his face, wearing a fucking aviator inside. And this arm. It looked like pure silver, definitely the best Arasaka tech on the market. A combat arm he noticed, not like these fancy prosthetics some got for aesthetic reasons. He looked grim, maybe he had been waiting too long. He should ask him for his order, he looked like one of those customers that could cause trouble. He quickly made his way towards him, skillfully avoiding a kid that ran down the floor. He sat his tray down as the man looked up to him, eyes hidden behind the sunglasses. 

“Sorry for making you wait. What can I get you?”, he said smiling while getting his pen and paper ready. 

The stranger looked him up and down, his eyes lingering on his name tag a for a bit. 

“Just a coffee”, he paused. “Kerry.” 

Kerry gulped a little and nodded. The man had an interesting aura. 

“Large, small? Medium? Milk or anything?” 

“Black, large.” 

He looked away again as Kerry noted down his order. 

“Large black coffee for the mystery man, coming.” 

The man looked back at him. _Why the fuck had he said that._ Kerry laughed nervously, grabbing his tray and walking back to the counter. He took a deep breath, looking at the woman standing next to him. 

“Debby, need a black coffee. Large.” 

“I know. He has been visiting for quite some time now. Always ordering a black large coffee, drinking only half of it and then wandering off in the dark.” 

“Hm”, he hummed. _So he was indeed a mystery man._ Debby gave him a cup of fresh brewed coffee that Kerry happy accepted. He walked back to the man and placed it in front of him. He observed him again and Kerry felt his unnerving stare on wandering down on him. 

“Do you… umm… need something else?” 

“You play guitar?” 

Kerry was taken aback by that seemingly random question. 

“I, well. Yes. How did you know?” 

“Your fingers”, he said, nodding towards them, taking a sip from his coffee. “Calluses on your fingertips. And a strong grip. Have been playing for quite some time?” 

“Some years. Just… for fun you know.” 

“Hm”, hummed the mystery man. “How long til your shift is over?” 

“About an hour. Why?” 

Kerry grew curious. The man in front of him had this undeniably charming charisma. He couldn't shake the feeling though that he was dangerous. Somehow. Yet he was intrigued in what he wanted. 

“Great”, he said, his attention shifting to the people sitting across in another booth. “I’ll wait for you then. And don't try to stare too much.” 

He grinned. Devious, devilish even. _Dangerous._ Kerry shifted from one leg to another before going back on the floor, taking more orders. His mind not letting go of the question what this man wanted from him. He worked through the last hour that felt longer than ever, orders just flooding in. The mystery man hadn’t moved one bit, just playing with his empty mug, watching the people around him. Kerry was glad when his shift was finally over, going to the back and changing clothes. He smelled awfully lot like old grease, sweat and cheap perfume. He put on his bandana and went out the back door only to be treated by the man from the diner. He jumped back, holding a hand to his chest in shock. 

“Fuck. Haven’t seen ya.” 

The man smiled. 

“Is my expertise. Shift finally over huh?”, he grinned, holding an open cigarette box towards him. 

“Thanks.” 

Kerry took a cigarette and lit it as they both started walking down the street. 

“Say. Before I ask you why exactly you wanted to talk to me can I have your name?” 

“Sure. Johnny.” 

“Johnny, easy to remember. From here?” 

“Born and raised here in Night City yeah. How ‘bout you?” He lit a cigarette for himself before putting away the box. 

“Me too. Parents immigrated from the Philippines before I was born. We try to visit as often as possible but, y’know. The prices for flights are horrendous.” 

“That why you work in such a shitty diner?” 

“Nah. Want to buy a new axe. Guitar, I mean.” 

Johnny stopped, grinning. Kerry looked at him. 

“Mind playing for me? A song. On guitar.” 

Kerry hesitated, a puzzled look on his face. 

“Don’t know if you noticed but I don't have a guitar on me”, he laughed awkwardly. 

Johnny slapped the roof of a Porsche, making Kerry’s head turn in curiosity. 

“But I have one. Here”, he opened the door, getting a black headless strat from the backseat. It looked beautiful, brand new even. He held it out to him. 

“Show me what you got big boy.” 

Kerry grabbed the guitar, his confidence suddenly rising up. This was his element. He swung the strap around him, placed a foot in the open door and started playing. Johnny was baffled. That kid from the diner was playing guitar like a little Jimmy Hendrix. He had found him, the missing piece. 

“Let's found a band.” 

Kerry looked at him, stopping. His eyes lit up. 

“Yeah! Let’s!” 

“Here, give me your number.” 

He got an old phone out of his pockets and handed it to Kerry. 

“Looks like straight out of the 90s. I like it” 

He started typing in his number as Johnny observed his swift hands. 

“Eurodyne. Fancy sounding name you got.” 

Kerry nodded, smiling. 

“Yeah. Always liked the ring to it. A real Rockstar name my parents used to say. Maybe they were right. Gimme a quick call so I can add your number.” 

Johnny took his phone back and called him, watching how Kerry pulled out his smartphone, typing in some things. 

“So, uh… Johnny… and? Last name?” 

“Got none.” 

Kerry chuckled. 

“Then I shall save you as Johnny ‘Silverhand’. Sounds like a stage name to me. I know way too many people called John or Johnny, this way I know it’s you.” 

“Silverhand”, Johnny smirked. “Like that one. Maybe not a bad idea. Got some Rockstar ring to it too, don’t ya think? Better than ‘Mystery Man'” 

Kerry laughed. An honest laugh, then started playing again. 

Johnny knew it from that moment in. Kerry was a good friend. 

*** 

2010 – NIGHT CITY - PRACTICE ROOM 

Kerry was sitting on one of the amps, humming silently while playing guitar. He was stuck up in his own world every time he played music. He definitely had it in his blood, Johnny was so glad he could convince the kid to founded the band with him. A few weeks had passed since their first serious jam session and Nancy and Denny had joined them. Preem, two guitarists who were also hella good at singing, a keyboardist and a drummer. They just needed a bassist now. Kerry occasionally filled that place when Johnny’s guitar skills were sufficient enough to not need a backing guitar. He knew it was wasted potential on Kerry's part who just seemed to be happy to play at all with them. Turned out he had as many friends as Johnny before they met, which was 0. Kerry strummed some chords and wrote something down, he was an excellent songwriter, Johnny would give him this. Despite their harmony inside of the band he quickly realized that they weren’t on the same end of the spectrum concerning some real-world things. Like corporations for example. Sure, Kerry hated them as much as every other guy, but he was not fueled by the same fire that was burning inside Johnny. Kerry wanted to make music for music’s sake, maybe get recognition, get famous even. Johnny wanted to use it as an accelerator for his opinions, to make the weak minded realize what corporations did to them. They hadn’t clashed _yet_ , but Johnny felt like it was inevitable. One day, sooner or later, he and Kerry would fight because of it. He was already dreading that day; he was just hoping Kerry was strong enough to stay and not leave Johnny. Like every other person that was important to him did at one point in his life. Johnny leaned against the wall, mind wandering, when he was shaken out of his thoughts as the door violently flew open as Denny walked in, some punk following right after her. 

“Found us a bassist. Name’s Henry. He’s decent and has all the time of the world.” 

Johnny and Kerry chuckled. Denny had always been the sarcastic one and she was a great addition to the band. 

“So”, Johnny said while stepping in front of the man, his arms folded, aviators on his nose. “You are the bassist. Name?” 

“Henry.” 

Henry looked around. He seemed to be on something, not quite in his right mind. Johnny didn’t care, everyone had their demons, his seemed to be drugs, so what? Johnny handed him a bass and nodded. 

“Play something, then we’ll decide.” 

Henry took it by the neck, bending the strings in the process. Kerry cringed purely at the sight of how he handled his precious instrument. He slung the strap around his head on shoulders and started playing. Johnny observed him, not being overly impressed by his skills. 

“Good enough”, he sighed. Henry grinned. 

“Good enough?”, Kerry exclaimed while jumping off the amp. “Gonk. That was shit. A crippled rookie could play better.” 

Johnny stifled a laugh. He knew Kerry was right, he honestly just finally wanted a bassist. He would learn how to play, somehow. 

“What did you say?”, Henry growled while slipping of the bass. “You just told me I’m shit? I can play _anything_ better than you, take your fucking shitty axe back then if you think you’re so much better than me!”, Henry screamed, half slurring. 

With that he flung Kerry's bass to the ground, shattering its neck. Kerry just stood there in utter shock. Johnny dropped his nice demeanor. He knew how long Kerry hat saved up for his instruments. They were holy to him. 

“Listen here you little half ass Bassist from the gutter-“, Johnny started, when a fist came flying. He had merely seconds to react and closed his eyes in reflex but the hit never came, instead he saw, in the corner of his eye, how Kerry was stumbling back at a wall, nearly falling over Denny’s set, who by the way, was just watching in amusement. Johnny turned, looking at Kerry whose nose was beginning to turn all the colors of the rainbow, dripping blood. He saw red. _No one_ hits his best friend. Without a reason, at least. He looked back at Henry, who smirked in victory. Johnny didn’t think for a second as he hit him with his metal hand and kicked him out the practice room. A few obscenities we’re screamed until Johnny came back in. 

“We’ll take him. Eventually. For now, how do you feel, you okay?” 

He crouched in front of Kerry who had slipped down the way and was sitting on the floor. He wiped the blood from his nose, looking at Johnny. 

“'m fine, was hit worse, you know. As an immigrant” 

“Why did you do that? I could’ve taken the hit.” 

“Yeah, but it was _my_ comment that made him angry. Not gonna get others involved when it’s my fault.” 

He already grinned again, blood staining his teeth red. _God._ Kerry was a good friend. 

*** 

2012 – NIGHT CITY – KERRY’S AND JOHNNY'S APARTMENT 

They had a fight. A huge one this time. Kerry seemed sick of Johnny. They had screamed at each other, their vocal cords nearly ripping apart. Johnny had gotten into an argument with a potential record label, all but zeroing out their deal. And Kerry was pissed. He had fled their joint Apartment a few hours ago and Johnny also needed air. Wasn’t the best idea in hindsight as he got into a nasty brawl with some corpo fucks. He had made it out alive, luckily, but his lip was split, his nose probably broken, bruises all over his body and a gashing wound at his shoulder, near where metal met flesh. He stood in the bathroom, clinging to the sink while simultaneously trying to take care of his wounds. He was sore all over his body. _Shit. It hurt._ He didn't notice how the front door opened, nor how someone had entered his home. He looked into the mirror, blood still dripping from his chin, staining his stubble a crimson red, when he saw the door behind him open. 

“Johnny, this-“, Kerry started, his words choked up when he saw his friends face. 

“Fuck Johnny, what the fuck happened?” 

“Huh… only some thugs. I'm fine”, he mumbled. 

He wasn't fine, _obviously_. And Kerry wasn't blind, he knew when Johnny was lying. He dropped his bag and walked over to him, turning him around. He took a long look at his face, turning it from side to side carefully. His touch gentle, not wanting to hurt him more. 

“Sit down. I'll take care of you.” 

He shoved Johnny onto the toilet seat, grabbing the first aid kid from the counter. All his anger gone withing a mere seconds. 

“Kerry, I'm fine, I… ouch”, Johnny flinched. 

“Yeah, understood. Now just be nice and work with me. I’ll get you fixed up; I promise.” 

Johnny sighed, letting Kerry do his work. He thought about the countless times Kerry had picked him up and cared for him, even though Kerry had stated that he hated seeing blood and didn’t want to be involved in whatever Johnny was doing out there. In the end though, he had always been concerned about Johnny. It was nice to know that even when they fought like hell was open, he still was there for him. Kerry was a good friend. 

*** 

2077 – KERRY’S MANSION – 5 DAYS BEFORE MIKOSHI 

Johnny and Kerry were sitting on the couch, drinking beer, talking about the good times 60 years in the past. Johnny wanted to ease the tension. He couldn't really handle seeing his best friend broken down to his core. Kerry had always been the cheerful one of the group. A positive outlook in live, a bit naïve maybe. Sure, he also had changed but who wouldn't in over half a century? Yet, he had kept his own mind, his free spirit, his creativity. Johnny had destroyed so much in Kerry's life since the moment they met in Caliente and until now, so many years later, he hadn’t regretted any of it, never even thought about it. Now that he saw how Kerry handled the last few weeks, he didn't want to destroy this though, what he had with V in particular. Sure, he was the one who had introduced them in the first place but that only made him feel more guilty. He watched as Kerry stifled a sob with a shot of vodka. _I can’t do this. I have to save the kid. Johnny, all your life you’ve been hurting people, you need to get this done._

Kerry smiled. 

“Remember how we got our name? Samurai I mean.” 

“Honestly, no”, Johnny laughed. “Remember we used to tell the press it had something to do with mindset and stuff like that but I am 90% sure that was us bullshitting.” 

“Yeah, yeah it was. We uh… saw a movie poster for an 80s trash movie at one of those old venues in downtown. Back when Night City actually had something like that. Were both drunk as fuck. You stopped me, slurring something I didn’t understand and laughed. And then put your hand on that poster saying that Samurai would be a great name. Like… we both later agreed it was a fucking dumb name, there were like 20 other bands with that name already. We just got lucky we were the first once with a hit single.” 

Johnny nodded, smiling. He started to remember. That night he and Kerry got drunk after Kerry broke up with his ex-boyfriend. Johnny had to buy him alcohol because he was still too young. 

“Kerry. I promise, I’ll do anything I can to bring V back. Anything.” 

“I know Johnny”, Kerry said, looking at him, tears flooding his crystal blue eyes. 

“You are an asshole. You never knew when enough really meant enough. You did stupid gonk shit. Back then and today. And even though I have all right to hate you…”, he paused. 

Johnny took a deep breath. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear what came next. 

“I can’t. Johnny, even though you did some horrible things in your life in the end…”, he looked Johnny straight in the eye. 

“You are a good friend.” 


	19. He's Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny jumped up; he was sitting at a table in a diner. It looked so familiar to Caliente. If one could say that anything in cyberspace looked familiar. V sat on the other side, leaning on the table, looking straight at Johnny while Alt was standing next to him, looming over the two men with all her might. Johnny’s head was spinning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I highly recommend to listen to  
> "Rite Of Passage"  
> while reading this chapter. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwfvG9ktqAY
> 
> ___  
> One chapter left until Kintsugi is finished. Thank you all so much who joined me on this wild ride <3

_You are a good friend._

Kerry’s voice. 

_You did everything right this time._

Rogue’s voice. 

_You still have your honor._

Takemura’s Voice. 

_Please help me._

V’s voice. Oh god, it was V’s voice and it sounded so... so broken. Pleading. Fighting. 

_Help me, Johnny. Please help me. I don’t want to die!_

Crying. Screaming. Holding on to dear life while slowly fading away. 

*** 

Johnny jumped up; he was sitting at a table in a diner. It looked so familiar to Caliente. If one could say that anything in cyberspace looked familiar. V sat on the other side, leaning on the table, looking straight at Johnny while Alt was standing next to him, looming over the two men with all her might. Johnny’s head was spinning. 

“What… what was that?” 

“A request. By V”, Alt said monotonously. 

“A request?” 

He looked at V who had no expression on his face. 

“He asked me to show you your most personal memories while I separated the both of you.” 

“Why did you do that?” 

“It was only fair, Johnny. I have seen glimpses of your memories. Of how much you loved Alt and Kerry. I wanted you to feel that again before…” 

“Before I leave”, Johnny mumbled. 

V nodded. He felt guilty, playing with his fingers. He wanted Johnny to keep his body but now… it wasn’t fair. He didn’t want to die anymore but he didn’t want Johnny to die either. They all knew it wasn’t possible for them to survive both. And in the end V knew, that it was _his_ body and _his_ right to live on. Johnny would live on in his memory though, forever missed by him and his friends. 

“Thank you, V.” 

V looked at him. 

“For everything. For showing me this, for making me realize that-“ 

“I do not want to disturb you, Johnny, but my processing has been finished. The two of you have been separated successfully.” 

“Thanks Alt, I-“ 

“Caution. It seems like my calculations were incorrect.” 

Johnny and V looked at her. There hasn’t been any sound in cyberspace but now it seemed even more silent. 

“Alt, what does that mean?”, Johnny asked, he’s brows furrowing. 

“I haven’t added the human body to my quotation. It seems like the nanites from the relic have processed too far, making V’s body inhabitable for its original owner.” 

“Wait, wait, wait. What? Can you like… talk normal for a sec?” 

V looked at her, puzzled expression on his face, mouth slightly opened in confusion. 

“The body of yours has assimilated to the psyche of Johnny Silverhand. Your own body will reject your data.” 

“My data? Wait am I…” 

“In order to separate you two I had to make a copy of your psyche and replace Johnny Silverhands with yours on the relic. You are, as him, mere data.” 

V was speechless. He ran his hands through his hair, all that information was too much for the young man. He wasn’t himself anymore, he was just… data. On a chip. No human being. 

“Alt”, Johnny’s voice sounding angry. “What does that all mean? He isn’t himself anymore? What about his body, can’t you just… put the chip in his head and give it a go?” 

“He is as much human as every human. He is himself with all his memories and feelings. His body though will reject him. The nanites from the relic have rewritten it too much, it is now the body of Johnny Silverhand” 

“So… he can’t go back. We came all this way for nothing?” 

“You came by your own request. His body will be able to accept his engram for the duration of about 6 months before he will die.” 

“6 months?!”, V screamed, jumping up. “You wanna tell me the great Alt Cunningham, most advanced fucking A.I. of the fucking net can’t do shit? That you _forgot_ about a body? Are you fucking serious?!” 

V was furious, he looked at Alt, then Johnny. 

“Was that your plan all along? Coming back, snatching someone’s body? Leaving some fucking useless merc out to die for your own fucking sake?!” 

He walked away from the table, running his hand through his hair again. He had a hard time to breath, his heart pounding, body trembling. He wanted to die just days ago, he was fine with giving up his body until Johnny came along and fucking made him realize that he wanted to life. Wanted to have a future with Kerry. Wanted to run the Afterlife. Live a long and fulfilling life. Just to steal it from him again. He walked over to Johnny, raising a finger and tapped on his chest. 

“Oh, I made you see all the positive things that happened in your life for what? Fuck, I’m an idiot. So naïve. I seriously thought you might’ve changed. A good guy now. Fucking Johnny Silverhand helping poor, little me!” he spat. “You told me from day 1 that I was too stupid for anything and you were fucking right! Making me want to live again just to rip it from me, fucking sadist! Fuck! I can’t believe this shit” 

Johnny stayed quiet. He was speechless, maybe a first in his life. He didn’t know what to say. Of course, this shit wasn’t planned, he hadn’t asked to be put on a fucking shard and be held on ice for 50 years. Or even longer if V and his psycho friend hadn’t stolen him. He watched V has he was ripping his own hair out. Not literally but figuratively. He looked so helpless, so frustrated. Betrayed. Like Kerry on the day Johnny had decided to bomb Arasaka HQ. 

“Fucking talk Silverhand!” 

His voice more a cry for help, a whimper. A scream so broken like 100 shards of glass. He was asking him to explain. _Explain what_ _?_ Johnny was as clueless as V. He didn’t know Alt would _forget_ something like a fucking body that he needed to live. The Alt he had known would’ve never. She was gone, he realized that now. Finally. 

V was going on his knees, his pleading turned into crying, his crying into sobbing. It broke Johnny’s heart and he looked at Alt, searching fo a hint of sympathy in that A.I. Somewhere... He couldn’t talk to V, it felt like his voice was stuck in his throat. But he _could_ talk to Alt, and boy, he would. His pity for V turned into full blown hatred for the image of his ex-girlfriend. He snapped his head back at Alt. 

“You wanna tell me you fucking _forget_ something? You? A fucking _A.I.?_ Who the fuck programmed such shit? The Alt I knew wouldn’t have, certainly!” 

“I am not a program Johnny, I am a data stream, I-“ 

“Shut the fuck up you piece of data junk! You know what? I fucking hated you. How you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. You played me then, you played me now. The good memories? Lies, deception! That were light moments, rays of hope in the disaster we both called a relationship. You wanted to break up with me the day you got kidnapped. I should’ve never followed you to Arasaka! This... fuck. Do you know what that would have meant? V wouldn't be left in a rotting body now; _I_ might still be alive. Everything, here, absolutely everything is your fucking fault!" 

Johnny spun in circles, brushing his hair out of his face. He was desperate, he had no advice, no solution to this huge fucking mess. He looked at V, who was kneeling on the floor. He was shaking, Johnny didn't know if it was out of frustration or anger. He couldn't blame the young man for wanting to direct all his hatred against Johnny. In his place, he would hate himself too. 

"I wouldn't have met Kerry," V whispered. 

"What?" 

Johnny took a few cautious steps toward him and sat down in front of him. 

"What did you say princess?" 

"If you hadn't ended up in my head, I wouldn't have met Kerry." 

Johnny sighed. _Why was V like this?_ His life was literally in shambles and yet he saw something positive in it. 

"V, listen to me, will you?" 

The young merc looked up to him. Johnny couldn't really see anything in cyberspace, but he was sure he saw tears in the man's eyes. _Had he given up again? Was he still angry?_ Johnny couldn't tell. 

"No... you listen to me first. Please." 

Johnny sat back and propped himself up on his hands. It was hard for him to just shut up for once, but he nodded. V also sat down more comfortably, his anger apparently fading. It was resignation, the word Johnny had been looking for. And he didn't like it at all. 

"Here, this," V lifted his chain, a circle of wood with a bullet attached to it with 4 wires. Johnny knew what it was, of course, but he let V finish. "This should have been the day I die. A few weeks ago it was. My own stupidity, naivety, should have been my demise." 

He dropped the chain and sighed deeply. Fortunately, Alt had apparently decided to leave the two men in peace for a moment. 

"But I am still alive. With great emphasis on _still_. The day I woke up in the garbage dump and was taken away by Takemura was one of the most horrible days of my life. It was only then that I realized what had happened. That I had been shot, that my best friend had died. I had to go to Misty and Mama Welles, tell them the terrible news. I felt so alone, so abandoned. God damn it," he hit the floor. "I had no one left, no one who was like.... like Jackie." 

He sniffled softly. Johnny found it creepy how cyberspace made it seem like everything around them was real. V couldn't really cry, he didn't have a body while he was here, but somehow.... it was real. 

"And then I woke up in my bed. The great Johnny Silverhand bent over me. I didn't even know who you were, I thought it was a bad dream. And you told me exactly the things I needed to hear at that moment. That I was worth nothing, a piece of dirt. That you would kill me and take my body. That everything bad that had happened in my life up to that point was just the beginning. I couldn't believe it, couldn't let it happen. And when Vik gave me the message that you were literally eating my brain. I felt like laughing. I thought I was waking up from a bad dream and Jackie was telling me 'hey amigo, what a fuck up that was, right?’. It wasn't a dream. I mean, look around." 

He waved his hands around briefly, pointing randomly in a few directions. 

"We're sitting in fucking cyberspace with your fucking ex-girlfriend, who has us both tied up in data packs. Ready to be shipped to the land of the godforsaken... I don't know." 

Johnny sighed. He more than deserved this telling off, he knew. He was just going to let it wash over him. 

"But you know what's more important Johnny. You were an asshole, a terrible person. But you've changed. The jobs we went through...that first car ride to the badlands, I'm sure you remember. When Rogue put us on Panam... God how we both hated it. That was the first time you laughed since you were stuck in my head." 

"You remember something like that?" 

"Mama Welles always told us to remember the good things in life. Keep them in our hearts for the dark times, so they can give us a light of hope. So we know things will get better. Yes, I remember that. We complained about the wind and the heat. You had tried to persuade me to fuck Panam. You even offered to do it for me if I didn't feel like it. I found it amusing how much you had begged to just fuck properly. Just a few days in my head and already..." 

V smirked. The tears in his eyes didn't stop, but it helped him to talk. "I didn't beg," Johnny protested, half-seriously. 

V laughed. 

"Whatever. I felt our relationship was getting better and better and after a while.... that's when I saw you as a friend. The first time I really noticed feelings from you was when we lured Alt behind the Blackwall. I saw the way you looked at her. You say you hate her, but you don't. You hate what she's become. But Johnny Silverhand can feel love, too. Affection. I saw it in your memories. The second time I saw feelings in you was in the GIM. When the Voodoo Boys had put me out of commission." 

Johnny recalled. V had collapsed after taking out the Netwatch agent. Johnny had been incredibly afraid for him. A little for himself, too, because at the time he thought he was going to die when V was out. But V was lying on the floor, helpless. No longer stirring. The kid had tried everything to find a solution for Johnny and himself and had almost died. Johnny's eyebrows drew together, and he nodded briefly, a sign for V to continue. 

"The third time...I'll never forget it. That was when you asked me to check on Kerry. You'd read on the myriad jobs around town that he'd tried to kill himself, and you just wanted to know if he was okay." 

V paused for a moment. He looked thoughtful. Sad. Johnny could tell something was going on in his head, but he couldn't yet put together what it was. 

"You're not a bad person Johnny. And... And every person deserves a second chance." 

Johnny's eyes slowly widened. _Wait a minute. That couldn't really be V's intention._

"You have to take care of Kerry; you have to promise me that. Because I... because I love him very much. And he's sure to do something stupid. You have to promise me Johnny." 

V grabbed him by the arm, but Johnny immediately pulled him back. 

"No V. You will take care of him yourself; I won't do anything at all." 

"It doesn't make any sense Johnny. None at all. I can't live in my body, you heard it yourself." 

Alt appeared next to the two of them. 

"You don't have much time left. My Netrunners can't hold off Arasaka Security forever." 

"Just shut your mouth Alt and leave us alone," Johnny snapped. 

"No V! You're going to go back and you're going to find a solution like you've always found one. I don't want your body; I don't want any.... no second chance!" 

"Johnny, stop opposing it like that. You have to look at it logically, objectively. You can live your life for who knows how many more years. I, on the other hand, don't. I'm staying here." 

"No." 

Johnny stood up. He couldn't believe it; V had given up. Again. And he couldn't even object to his arguments. Purely logically, it made more sense for him to take over V's body. But he couldn't do that to Kerry, not to Vik and Misty or Judy, all of whom had fought to bring V back to life. Takemura would have died for nothing. _No, he couldn't._ V had to go, and Johnny had to stay. He would go behind the Blackwall with Alt, become a part of it. That was how she had described it. Whatever that meant. 

He turned to raise his voice at V again, but all he could see was Alt in front of him. 

"Where is he?" 

Alt slowly raised his arm and pointed at V, who was wandering along a path in the distance. Towards the Blackwall. 

"What's he doing?!" 

"He's made up his mind, Johnny Silverhand. V will go with me behind the Blackwall and become a part of me. You will climb the well and go back into his body." 

"No way!" 

Johnny ran off after V, down the narrow path toward the Blackwall. He hoped he wasn't too late. _Why am I running?_ Johnny shook his head and appeared in front of V, punching him in the face with all his might. The young Merc went down groaning. 

"What the fuck Johnny!" 

"You're not leaving me back in your body!" 

Johnny lifted him up by the collar. His action triggered a reaction and a strong kick landed straight in the pit of his stomach. Johnny grunted, but he did not let go of V. He knew that if he did that now, he would lose. V tried to free himself from his grip. He started crying and screaming, but Johnny wouldn't let go. 

"You go back to Kerry and you find a solution!" 

"Johnny, I'm scared!" 

Silence. An icy silence, only disrupted by V's heartbreaking cry. 

Johnny let go of him abruptly, the man in front of him landing on the path with a thud. 

"I'm scared Johnny. Afraid of _not_ finding a solution. I'm afraid of death. Afraid to leave Kerry alone. Afraid he'll lose himself because of me. If I leave, he'll have you. Someone to watch over him. If I stay...then I'm just putting off the pain until later." 

Johnny blinked. He wanted to go to save the man he loved. V really was dumb and naive. 

“I have to go Johnny. You know it.” 

“Yeah. I know what to do.” 

He grabbed V violently and threw him over his shoulder. The merc hit on his back, screaming, trying to wiggle off him, but Johnnys grip was too tight. He wouldn’t let go of V. Never again. V pleaded, screamed, cried and it wasn’t long until Johnnys eyes watered, hot tears rolling down his face too. He hated seeing him like that, he hated being the one to make hard decisions for others. He walked down the path, trying to numb out the feeling of absolute guilt he had towards V. About how he was the sole reason this man had to die. Twice. Alt watched them, monotonously reminding them about how time was running out, but Johnny didn’t care. He would scream at her later, when V was gone. 

“Johnny, let me down, please, stop this!”, V cried, his voice broken from fighting against him. 

“I will, promise.” 

Johnny placed him down and V could finally breathe easy, until he realized that he had put him in the well. 

“No, no, Johnny stop!” 

He tried to get a hold of the walls of the well, when Johnny gently pushed him down further, a hand pressed on his chest. 

“You have to get home V. It won’t be easy. Takemura died, you will find him near your body. Tell him... that he died an honorable death. Arasaka will be after you. You are under the HQ. There is an elevator that will bring you up to the east entrance. Just run, okay? You have Archangel and the Malorian Arms with you. Your right hand is dysfunctional, I had to rip the Mantis Blade out. I am sorry V; this is the only way.” 

“Johnny, stop! Wait!” 

A few tears dropped from Johnnys chin into the digital water of the well while he pushed V down further. 

“I will never forget you. Keep on fighting, kid. Be happy. Make Kerry happy. He deserves it. Deserves you. You were the best friend I ever had. We will meet again. Someday.” 

The last thing V saw was Johnnys face, stained by tears. His voice a mere echo as darkness enveloped his mind. It all went black. 

*** 

V grasped for air as he woke up. The sound of an alarm ringing in his ear, making him feel numb. He looked around him. He lay in a pool that surrounded what seemed to be an access point. There was blood everywhere. His arm hurt like hell, then again, everything hurt like hell. 

_“Shit Johnny, what the fuck happened here?”_

No answer. He looked around frantically. It was so silent in his mind. He grabbed the ledge of the pool with his good, left hand and pushed himself up. A mixture of water, blood and sweat dripping from his clothes, increasing his pain tenfold. He looked at his broken arm, the blade was missing, the flaps still open, exposing the damaged synthetic skin and cables. His hand hanging lifeless from his fractured limb. 

“Fuck”, he muttered under his breath. His optics were finally rebooting again, the trip to cyberspace had worn out his body. He stood up, searching for the weapons in the discarded clothes on the floor. No, he needed to get out of this wet suit and into his normal clothes before making his way out. He extracted the intact knife and just cut open the netrunner suit, before letting it fall down to the floor. He had some trouble putting on his jeans and shirt as the right arm was now more a nuisance that anything else. _Fuck it_ , he thought to himself, taking a deep breath and cutting off his own arm. He screamed as a mind-numbing pain shot through his whole body. It went white before his eyes for a second before he came to be again. He stumbled forwards, synthetic blood seeping from his new wound. He reconsidered his choice, maybe it hadn’t been that clever to cut off a limb while being in generally bad shape. He walked over to Takemura, shooting a short glimpse to the lifeless body of Adam Smasher. He mumbled a few words, thanking the man in front of him for all he had done. Told him that he died an honorable death just like Johnny asked him to, before cutting off a piece of his shirt to wrap his bleeding arm in it. 

The alarm seemed to get louder, more annoying. V’s eardrums nearly erupting. Even though he had worked in this tower for a few years he didn’t know where he was. He had never seen this place before. He walked to the door that had been smashed open with a brute force he couldn’t even imagine. He silently made his way through the floors, spotting dead bodies scattered all over. This had to be Johnnys and Takemuras work. 

_“Wow, didn’t leave any fun for me, huh?”_

Still no answer. 

V hung his head low for a moment, before stepping over the spilled intestines of a guy who had clearly made contact with the heated Mantis Blades in his arm. The adrenaline in his blood finally worked, his body not feeling as painful as a few minutes ago. He slowly opened a red, bulletproof door, Archangel in hand. He scanned the area but couldn’t find anyone. 

_V, this is Alt. The_ _netrunners_ _are still holding back_ _Arasaka_ _security. Please proceed to the elevator on the right to exit_ _Arasaka_ _tower through the east entrance._

V jumped at the sudden voice that came through the internal communication system. 

“Fuck Alt, didn’t know you were still in here.” 

_I am leading you to safety per request of Johnny_ _Silverhand_ _._

_“_ Johnny? He is still with you?” 

_We haven’t proceeded to pass the_ _Blackwall_ _. Johnny_ _Silverhand_ _said he needs to wait until you are safe._

V smiled. _This motherfucker. He probably tore Alt a new one._

“Tell him... tell him thank you. Okay? Will ya?” 

_I will tell him that you thanked him._

V entered the elevator and pressed the button to the east entrance. He couldn’t believe that Johnny was still helping him from beyond the grave. Maybe he really meant what he said in Cyberspace. 

The elevator ride was eerie and way too long for his taste. He had Archangel in a tight grip, ready for combat as the elevator finally came to a hold, the doors opening slowly. He scanned the floor directly in front of him, then carefully stepped outside. Nothing, not a single person. Alt’s netrunners were probably raging havoc in Arasaka HQ. He just needed to escape. When he was sure that the floor was safe, he ran as fast as his feet would allow him. He saw the exit; it was now or never. He probably wouldn’t even survive a direct confrontation, now that he thought about it. He smalled through the door, shattering the glass in the process. Nobody outside either. _Fuck,_ _Arasaka_ _really was up in flames, huh._ He went off the premise onto the street and turned around. What he had thought as a joke turned out to be true. Arasaka HQ _was_ in flames. Is adrenaline had made him numb and deaf for anything that wasn’t concerning his own survival. Now that he was out and in kind of a safe position, he heard the screams coming from the inside. People calling for help, crying. Fighting and shots, the alarm. He had no time to feel guilty though, he needed to run. Run to survive. Run to safety. _Run to Kerry._

*** 

Kerry watched the TV in disbelief. Arasaka tower had been attacked. _Again._ Was this the work of Johnny? Or V maybe? He had tried to call his input multiple times but the holo didn’t come through. He bit his fingernails. This all seemed like a bad dream, a fucking Deja-vu. _This couldn’t be happening._ He tried to call Vik and Misty but they were as clueless as he was. Rogue wasn’t picking up, no surprise. The Afterlife was probably packed with people who wanted answers. A full-on attack on Arasaka had only happened once before. He stalked to the bar, pouring himself a glass of whisky. His hands were shaking, nothing really calmed him down. It had been so long since V – no Johnny – left. He had promised to bring him back. He would keep that promise. V would keep his promise. He always did. 

The sun was already setting. A few hours had passed since the first news broke that something crucial in the Arasaka HQ had happened. Nobody really knew what it was about, but it was breaking the net. Kerry was opening his holo again and again, hoping for anything. A message, a call, something that assured him that V was still alive. The tension was killing him. He sat down on the couch, thinking about playing guitar but he couldn’t get his mind to concentrate on even holding a damn axe right now. The only thing his hands longed for was the warm body of his lover, to feel his beating heart, to feel that he was with him. And alive. He leaned back, closing his eyes. _V was alive. He was alive and well. He had to be._

As his mind started to slip away, too exhausted from worrying all day long, he heard his front door fall shut. His eyes snapped open as he simultaneously jumped up. His heart was pounding, his feet basically dragging him to the foyer. 

“Ker?” 

He could hear his weak voice. _V. It was V!_

“Fuck, V!” 

He ran towards him, the young merc full of blood, an arm missing, pale as a ghost. He was able to catch him at the last second before his knees gave way. V was heavy, Kerry slowly sat down with him on the floor. 

"I'm calling Vik. He'll be here in a minute." 

"Ker," V whispered. 

"I'm here... I'm here," Kerry replied while brushing his hair out of his face. Hot tears dripped down on the young man's cheek. 

"He's gone." 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this is my very first fanfic! Written on phone so the formatting might look off a bit. English isn't my first language!
> 
> I try to update it regularly. Feedback is very welcome.


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